Nov 20, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
It’s Ask Me Anything time again! Today, I’m covering a topic that came up in a chat with one of my friends who also “lives the lifestyle”. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: How far is too far in letting your Dom have control?
A: Well, first things first, let me give a little framework to this discussion so you know what inspired this Ask Me Anything. I’m not breaking any confidences, but the basic conversation came up because we both have Doms that like to push our limits, and in a similar fashion most of that power-exchange is reserved for in the home/bedroom. Her Dom suggested that she allow him to take over her diet and exercise habits because she’d been struggling to hold herself to it, and she had asked in the past if they’d like to take some of that power-exchange out of the house/bedroom and into more daily life type things (but had not discussed diet or exercise at that time).
Many of you might be having a similar reaction to what I did imagining your Dom checking in on your daily food and exercise regimen. Kind of a queasy stomach, nervousness. Am I right? (Maybe, maybe not, that’s kind of the point of this AMA!)
Either way, that’s what spawned today’s Ask Me Anything, because whenever you get into a real-life BDSM situation, and it actually means YOU are going to be doing these things (i.e. not just a character in a book who we can make think or feel whatever we want them to) there’s a whole new level of adjustment that has to happen. With every new step in a BDSM/power-exchange relationship, there’s an internal evaluation that has to happen.
It’s that moment where you take a deep breath after the subject is brought up, imagine it in your head, and think to yourself: Am I okay with that?
I know I’ve felt that moment in a lot of situations. The first time I tried to deep throat, the first time I tried anal sex, the first time I tried a-bunch-of-different-things-we-dont-need-to-discuss-in-this-post. And while it feels wonderful and freeing to give up control to your Dom a lot of the time, there are others that it can do the opposite.
So, how much control do you give up?
The short answer? Exactly as much as you are comfortable with.
The long answer? Well, I think the magical and wonderful thing about BDSM relationships is that it’s all about communication and consent. Both of you may have things you would like to do, or are interested in doing, that your partner just isn’t. (Read about limits lists over here) When it comes to power-exchange those lines get drawn, and redrawn, and redrawn again throughout your relationship, and the level of control you give to your Dom over your relationship changes with it. I still remember when I first started seeing my current Dom, I quailed at the idea of making his coffee, and handing it to him across the table, when we were eating in public. It felt like I was putting on a giant neon electric sign that said “HEY! EVERYONE! LOOK AT THE WEIRD FREAKS DOING KINKY SHIT AT TABLE FIVE!”.
The good news? Nobody ever fucking noticed, and if they did, they had no idea what they were really seeing.
The better news? He understood. At first it started with me making his coffee with a crimson blush, unable to even lift my head for fear of the rabble staring, and then carefully and oh-so-casually inching his coffee back across the table towards him. The Dom never commented, never corrected, he always just said, “Good girl” because I was giving up as much control as I could in that moment. I got a ‘good girl’ when I did it that way, and I get a ‘good girl’ now as I take his coffee directly from the waitress, start making it for him while she’s still right there, and then offer it to him above the table with one hand under it, and one hand on the cup to hold it handle first to him.
What we can handle changes… but sometimes it doesn’t.
As submissives (and Doms for that matter) we have to trust our instincts on what we can handle. The coffee thing was awkward, but not horrible. It was the normal anxiousness of trying something new in BDSM. The longer you play in the community, the better you get at judging when that feeling is just nerves, and when it’s “oh fuck no, never, nuh-uh, no way”.
Personally? I’d never give up control over my food or exercise to my Dom. I have too much going on in my life (like camping at the Ren Faire this past weekend, studying for this SPHR certification, deadlines for books, and general family chaos) to guarantee someone that I’ll never make a mistake.
Now, could this help someone else? Someone who absolutely has the time and capability to do it, and they just aren’t? Maybe. If they are into a discipline oriented relationship, or looking for a disciplinarian to help them. But the main thing to remember is that there is NO answer to this question that works for everyone. Everyone has to draw their own lines, and judge if they want to redraw them at a later date.
Wait, how does the redrawing happen?
Oh, come on, you already know the answer to this question. It’s like the second tagline for BDSM below ‘Safe, Sane, Consensual’ … Communicate! Nothing is going to happen in the first place if you don’t talk about it, and nothing changes, nothing new is tried or adjusted, unless you talk about it. Will my friend ultimately decide to let him control her diet/exercise? I don’t know, but I do know that the crucial thing we focused on in our discussion was that she is the only one who knows if it will work for her and her Dom.
And that’s what I want you to remember too, lovelies. Whether you’re the submissive or the Dom, you get to decide on what you want to give up control on or take control of – and you are the only one who knows that list.
PS – I loved this topic, but I am hungry for more! If you have any questions, or ideas, or general things you want me to chat about on Sundays, please submit an Ask Me Anything feedback at the top of the website. I’ll do my best to be interesting!
Nov 13, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
It’s Ask Me Anything time again! Today, I’m talking about cigar service, because it’s something I learned about last year and it’s now one of my favorite things. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: You’ve mentioned cigar service before, what the hell is that? Is it related to BDSM?
A: I absolutely love cigar service, it’s something I only learned about last year, but now it’s a pretty consistent part of the relationship with my Dom. So, in the interest of sharing it with all of you I wanted to break down what I do know about it, and of course share a little sneak peek into my BDSM relationship.
What is cigar service anyway?
Cigar service is the very formal preparing, treatment, and serving of cigars. It’s pretty common (in my area anyway) in the leather community, which is already a high protocol sub-culture in BDSM. I got the opportunity last year to attend one of the monthly (twice monthly in the milder months) cigar service events, and I got to learn from a sub named “Kitty” here in the Dallas area. She was fantastic, and taught me everything I know! I’ve been a few times since, but 9/10 times it’s usually on my balcony or at his house.
So, what do you do?
First, you need to learn some things about cigars. The best way to do this is by trying them, which if you enjoy smoking cigars (like I do!) is not a hardship. Some cigars need to be cut (like in the picture above) and others do better with a punch (I like Xikar brand, like this one). A cigar cutter means you wants to cut the end you smoke it on and leave a little “shoulder”, meaning you want to cut a little above where the cigar starts to taper. This leaves a slight curve towards the end and helps keep it from unraveling. A punch is where you cut out the middle of the smoking end, and you want to place it as close to center as you can. You’ll get better and better at that with time.
Then, you can “toast” the cigar. At a minimum you want to dampen both ends (damp, not wet) with saliva, and then use the lighter to heat the saliva away. (TIP: Keep the cigar rotating and moving through the flame constantly, you just want to dry the outside of the cigar, not singe the wrapper at all!) The more fun, and much sexier, method is to toast the entire cigar. This means putting as much of the cigar in your mouth as you can take, slide it in and out a few times to get it damp, then switch it around and do the same from the other side. Pretty much, you’re fellating the cigar for their entertainment! Then, still toast it with the lighter, and be careful not to singe the wrapper like I mentioned before. From what I can tell, this does a few things. It adds moisture into the cigar, warms the whole thing up so the flavor is more consistent throughout, and puts on one helluva show. The Doms like it. ^_^
After it’s prepped, and before you light it, you want to offer it so they can check it. Kneel in front of them, hold the cigar in the palm of your hand, smoking end toward them, and then raise it above your head while you bow your head. They’ll take it from your palm, do a test draw to see if air is moving smoothly through it. If it’s not, you may need to correct the punch/cut or toast the ends a little in case you got them too wet. Once they approve it, they’ll place it back in your hand and you light it.
It sounds silly, but make sure you light the correct end of the cigar. It’s the perfectly flat end, with no shoulder. I say this because it happens, especially when you’re all nervous and giddy in sub-mode. Once you’ve lit it, make sure the full end of the cigar is orange when you blow on it. If there are still dark spots, you can use the lighter to target those and blow again to make sure it’s orange. Take a full test draw to ensure it’s drawing smoothly, and then present again. PLEASE make sure the lit end is hanging off the end of your palm, a burn is not fun or sexy, but same rules apply. Kneel, head down, palm above your head to offer it.
They’ll take it and start smoking, and then give you permission to move back to your place, or sit if you’re allowed to sit on furniture. At the cigar events the subs stay on the ground the whole time. We usually just sit though, because kneeling on concrete gets to be fucking miserable after an hour or so. But we always return to a kneel for presentations… or for “taking ash”.
What the fuck is taking ash?!
I’m so glad you asked! Ha! Well, I want to be very clear that this is not an “always” thing in cigar service. Everything I’ve described above is the standard, and taking ash is the next level. It is exactly what it sounds like, when the cigar is ready to ash the Dom will call you over and wait for you to offer a body part. I only do my hands because my skin is extremely fair, and I’ve had burns on my palms from hot ash, but others take it on their breasts/cleavage, and others take it in their mouths. This is going to be a comfort / experience thing, and if you want to try it I recommend starting with the hands.
Kneel in front of them, hold your palms up, together, and they will ash onto the fatty part of your palm near your thumb. Immediately start to roll it back and forth until the heat starts to dissipate a little. Press it between your palms lightly, testing to make sure you’re not going to blister yourself, and then when it’s at a tolerable temperature bring your hands closed, but don’t press them. Offer your hands again and the Dom will press them together with their hands, this (for me the painslut masochist anyway) sends a huge rush through me. It’s hot and sharp and such an intense submissive experience – and I pretty much always come. Part of the coming is because my Dom and I have worked on orgasm control to such a point that I can pretty much come on command (as long as I’m aroused, which cigar service always does for me). When the heat dissipates, blow the ash from your palm (or brush it off of you) and then return to position.
Where do you do this?
We have the cigar events at people’s houses, in their backyards. We live in Texas and so there are a lot of months where the outdoors are friendly, but they stop when it’s 100+ outside or if there’s ice on the ground. Otherwise, they’re pretty spot on. When I’m at the cigar events, I might prepare cigars for four or five Doms and take their ash too. I like the submissive/service aspects of it when I do it for others, but my Dom likes it because all of the Doms ask him before they talk to me / ask me to prepare a cigar / ask me to take ash. It makes it very clear who I belong to. Also, I think he just likes to show me off, which also turns me on to no end. (Remember: What works for you and your Dominant is up to you, I’m just describing our relationship!) Most of the time though (almost once a week) it’s just me and the Dom. Either at his house, or mine, with a glass of bourbon. And when it’s just the two of us he lets me sit in a chair, and we spend an hour or two talking / debating / catching up, which is randomly interrupted by me taking ash or fixing his cigar or pouring him more bourbon and presenting it (I present bourbon the same way I described a cigar, and that’s just part of our dynamic).
If you like cigars, you can do this too! But if you don’t like cigars, or smoke, then I don’t recommend it. It doesn’t matter how hard you brush your teeth, or how much listerine you gargle, after smoking a cigar you’ll wake up like you licked an ashtray. LOL Honestly, I still love it though, and we have a blast doing it.
And that’s all I can share about that. Have any of you lovelies done cigar service? Share in the comments here or on Facebook!
Oct 30, 2016 | Ask Me Anything
It’s Ask Me Anything time again! This question came from a group I’m in on Facebook that openly discusses the lifestyle and has lots of great questions, this was one I found particularly appropriate since tomorrow is Halloween! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy, and please respond with your own answers!
Q: What is the sexiest you have ever felt? Subspace? Dom high? Snuggled in bed with the e- reader? Just curious… what was the setting, how old were you? What was going on inside and outside?
A: This is one of those stories I’ve been trying to find the perfect time to tell, mainly because it’s just a really good example of how fun people in the community can be, and also because it’s so so hot. I still occasionally fantasize about this!
So, the sexiest I have ever felt was when I was 19 and in college with my college Dom (my first Dom, and we were both having a blast discovering things together). This was before there were any kind of online communities (that I could find anyway) and so we generally just did what turned us on. We used to have a game when we were falling asleep at night that after it was dark we would tell each other a fantasy. We alternated nights, and I was the one to speak up about the fantasy of having him hurt me, play rough with me, etc. That evolved into a pretty awesome, healthy BDSM relationship.
Outside of our kinks, we both liked to participate in a local LARP community (live-action role playing) and yes it is as nerdy as you imagine. I still play DND, and I loved getting to dress up in costume every other Saturday and run around the park learning to sword fight, and shoot a bow, and play out elaborate stories with people who were just as passionate and nerdy as me. This guy made chainmail by hand (swoon-worthy for us nerds) and sold it to people. He had a full chest piece and coif (headpiece) in chainmail, and helped teach people swordfighting. Fit, tall, handsome, and dominant. I was a lucky, lucky girl. At 19, I also looked pretty fucking good, and so for this giant Halloween party we were talking about what we were going to wear, and he joked that he should just be an orc taking his slavegirl to market.
I… may have wet myself in excitement when he mentioned this idea.
When he realized just how turned on I was by the idea, there was no going back. That night we went out to this house in the country with a huge mowed field where there were easily 200+ college students in full costume drinking and partying. He wore an orc mask, the chainmail chest, and his costume shirt (under the chainmail), pants, and boots. I wore a shredded skirt, a shirt that I’d ripped so many holes in I might as well have just been in a bra, and these sandals I found at a thrift shop. For our costume he had hand-made a chain collar and leash, and so before we go he tells me all of our “bedroom rules” applied in public that night. Which meant being obedient, accepting punishment, and not speaking without permission. He also said he was staying in character all night, and that unless I safeword he’s going to treat me like his little human slavegirl the entire night.
Even thinking about this story gets me all excited again.
So, we get there and everyone is like “Whoa! Who’s under the mask?” but he won’t talk to anyone, he just hauls me forward, and I’m holding onto the chain so I can get some kind of warning of when he’s going to move us, and he has me kneel at his feet whenever he gets a drink, or starts talking to people. Obviously, this draws a lot of attention. I felt so incredibly hot, because guys were just blatantly complimenting me to him, making all kinds of sexual comments, there were girls that I could tell wanted to be me (it was probably one of their fantasies too), and it was absolutely the sexiest I have ever felt.
That night a ton of awesome things happened: he and his friend were going to go talk to some other friends, and these guys had been talking to him about me, so he literally handed my leash over to one of the guys and told him to watch me. Then he told me to behave, and walked off. Now, I found out later he had just walked maybe 20 – 30ft away to talk to some friends, but the idea that I’d just been passed off like that was very, very hot. The guys didn’t do anything, but they asked me lots and lots of questions and I got to answer in full sub-mode with “sir” and “if my master says so” and all of that. At a regular college party! Later that night a girl (very drunk) came up and asked if I was my boyfriend’s slave, I said yes, and she asked him if she could kiss me. He readily agreed, and we ended up making out on the ground. I can’t even remember all the wild questions we got asked that night but it was so damn FREEING to be able to walk around, broadcasting BDSM like that, and have no one shun you. People were fascinated, excited, and all for it – but that is the magic of Halloween.
By the time we got back to his house we were buzzed, completely turned on, and I had the most insane sex of my life. We never stopped the role play, it was basically a CNC take-down play, and if you ever have the chance to get fucked by a guy in chainmail – do it.
That was absolutely, unequivocally, the sexiest I have ever felt! So, Halloween is tomorrow boys and girls, maybe this is the year you let your freak out a little?
I, for one, will be with family handing out candy like a boring adult.
But I wish you all a wickedly kinky Halloween! Hope you enjoyed this, lovelies, and don’t forget to share your stories either in the comments or on Facebook! <3
Oct 23, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question comes anonymously from someone who was brave enough to share their experience with long-term violence and abuse. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. I hope you lovelies find this helpful, but I sincerely hope you never need it. <3
Q: What if things go wrong? Either on a date, or in a relationship, or at random? (specifically violence / assault / abuse)
A: First, I want to have a brief conversation that a lot of readers struggle with. Some of us like to read the darker things, dubcon/noncon/capture fantasy because it turns us on. I am one of those people. I write it because I like it, and that is what is wonderful about fiction. We can explore these darker fantasies and be completely safe at the same time. No woman (or man) would want to actually be in those situations, but they can be wonderful to fantasize about. Sometimes we even imagine ourselves in those situations, but we have the benefit of coming back to reality (as boring as it can be) whole and safe and sound. So, before we even get into the post, I want you to let go of any guilt you might feel. What turns you on in your head, turns you on, and that is okay. You are not damaged or broken (it took me years to believe that, and there are days I still question it) and there’s a reason lots of people buy these books, because HEY, you are also not alone in your fantasies.
Okay? Okay.
So, there’s a pretty good (and super depressing) chance that you, or someone close to you, has been a victim of sexual assault. According to RAINN (https://www.rainn.org/) 1 out of every 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime and 1 out of every 33 men will. I wish I could guarantee your safety, assure you that you’ll never run into a terrible person, but I can’t, and so I want to do what I can to prepare you.
How can you try to stay safe?
Well, the most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens it is never your fault. It’s the fault of the person who did it. There is no victim blaming in this corner of the internet. I don’t care if you walked down the street at 3am butt-ass naked while watching porn out loud on your iPhone – it is not your fault when you are assaulted! That being said, there are some things we can do to try and keep ourselves safe. Having a safe call system in place and informing them of it is probably the best way to avoid it when you’re meeting someone, because if they refuse to participate that would be a red flag for me. A safe call system is where you get their phone number, a picture of their driver’s license, and the location you’re meeting the person and provide it to a friend. Then you tell that friend what time you will call them by, if you don’t call by then the friend is to try and call you (just in case you’re having fun and miss the time), but if you don’t answer they’re supposed to call the police. Then inform the potential play partner of this safety precaution. A good Dom will respect that you’re watching out for yourself, an asshole/bully/predator will refuse to do it, and then you’ll refuse to play with them. I made some stupid choices when I was young and suffered for it and now I never stray from ^these^ rules now when it comes to safe calls. You can also trust your instincts, if someone feels wrong, they probably are. We don’t use that old school lizard brain for much, but it sure as hell knows when someone is a creeper.
What else should I know?
Some people believe that just by identifying as a submissive they should now obey every asshat who approaches them or messages them. This is not true. Submission is a gift, and you are under no obligation to give it to anyone. Even if it is some super hot, super dominant guy. If a guy demands you send him naked pictures, and you don’t want to? Don’t do it. If he demands you meet him somewhere, and you don’t want to go? Don’t do it. If he refuses to participate in the safe call procedures and tells you to meet him anyway? Block and ignore. Being submissive does not mean you put your safety and life in jeopardy. It means that when someone earns your submission, you can trust them not to take advantage of it and to respect your limits. (Want to know more about limits? Read this post.)
As a side note, download apps like Kik to your smartphone to avoid giving out your personal number. Don’t provide your home address until you’re comfortable with someone. I’ve been stalked before and it sucks. Meet in public until you’re pretty sure they’re not insane.
So, what if things go wrong?
If the worst happens, and you get hurt by someone, you have some decisions to make. Do you need the hospital? (If so, don’t change clothes/shower as much as you want to.) Do you want to go to the police? You might, and you might not. It is completely up to you, and the important thing to remember is: Your assault is no less real if you don’t report it. USA Today recently released an article saying that up to 80% of sexual assaults go unreported. I didn’t report mine, I know friends who never reported theirs. It’s not uncommon, and your assault is no less real if you don’t report it. If you do want to report it, seek out support. Build a support system around yourself that will help you when you’re asked questions and as you go through the police and the courts. You will need that wall and those people to lean on. Also, you are brave as fuck, and I respect the hell out of you. I wasn’t brave enough for that.
Bad things don’t always happen on dates, or at parties, or at random. Sometimes it comes from someone you used to trust. If things go wrong in a relationship that used to be good, a support system is even more important. Whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical – abuse is abuse and you are under no obligation to put up with it. It doesn’t matter if you’re married, if you live a D/s or DD lifestyle, you do not have to stay – and especially in those roles you know the difference between SSC play and abuse. Listen to your gut. Now, that’s much easier said than done. If you’re in a relationship you probably live together, your finances may be intertwined, you may be monitored and at risk if you seek help. What I will say is that things will never get better until you reach out and seek help, and I plead with you to do so because you are worth it.
Where can I get support?
I am posting a list of hotline numbers below to help, no matter your situation. Some of you may not be able to go to friends or family, or have friends or family to go to, and in that case these hotlines can help. Some are even text-based and online based. You may talk to one of these hotlines sporadically for a long time before you figure out a way to leave – and that is okay too. You need to believe that there is no perfect way to deal with an assault or an abusive relationship, and you also need to believe that there is a way out. It may be messy, it may be hard, and it may take time – but you are worth it. You are worthy of being loved, being safe, and being secure. You are worthy of healing and feeling whole again.
Hotlines
United States
- Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) – (800) 656-HOPE
- National Domestic Violence/Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse – (800) 799-7233
- Men’s Domestic Abuse Helpline – 1-888-HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)
- Abuse Victim Hotline – (866) 662-4535
- Crisis Chat
- Crisis Text Line (on your smartphone)
- Planned Parenthood Hotline – (800) 230-PLAN (230-7526)
Canada
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
England
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
Scotland
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
Wales
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
Republic of Ireland (Eire)
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
Northern Ireland
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
New Zealand
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
Europe
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
Australia
Sexual Assault | Domestic Violence | Suicide
“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.”
– Buddha
Oct 16, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question came from one of my awesome readers! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. I hope you lovelies find this interesting/helpful!
Q: Scenes can be amazing or scary, and can change to one or the other within moments. Can you tell us about a time you had to safeword out of a scene? What led to the safeword? Did the dom notice? Have you ever tried the scene again and were able to get through without a safeword? (asked by Niki R.)
A: It’s interesting that this question was asked because I’m currently part of a 90 day challenge with a group of people on committing to try something new / push our boundaries a bit in the BDSM lifestyle. My commitment actually has to do with one of the few times I’ve had to safeword out of a scene! I’m making it a goal to work on tolerating breath play better (and I’ll get to my specific goal after the story because then it will make more sense).
- NOTE: My Dom and I play pretty hard, and so if that’s not something you’re interested in reading about, you do not need to read this post. I can tell you that he always puts my safety at the forefront, he has never really hurt me, and I trust him completely. I wouldn’t play as hard with him as I do if I did not trust him to be SSC at all times. <3
What was the scene?
One of my favorite things my Dom does when I’m at his house is that we can be in the middle of a conversation, or a movie, or dinner, and he will suddenly decide he wants to play. This means I usually get my hair pulled back (yay!) and then forced to follow him / walk in front of him to the playroom. Super hot, right? That is probably how we get into scenes 90% of the time, but sometimes he feels a little more aggressive, or I’m being a little too sarcastic (it’s a blessing and a curse) and that’s when we get to do take-down play.
When we do take-down play it usually starts with a deal, said in his very calm voice, that if I can get away from him I will get “X” during the session, but if he can pin me/get me to submit I will get “Y” during the session. “X” is usually something he knows I’ll enjoy, and “Y” is something I’ll enjoy less, but he really wants. As soon as he’s done talking I say “Yes, sir” and then take off. I get about… 10 feet usually, because he’s got 8 inches on me and is fucking fast, and I get grabbed and/or tackled. The reason this kind of works is because I took self-defense/jiu jitsu for two years in college, and I’m generally in pretty good shape. The reason he wins 99.9% of the time is because he’s an ex-marine, is 6′ 4″, and outweighs me and out-strengths me (that’s a word now). And, to me at least, THIS IS TOTALLY HOT. Honestly, it’s one of my favorite things we do. Capture fantasy is a kink of mine, CNC is a kink of mine (and his), and there’s a reason I love to write the dark stuff. It turns me on. The struggle, the fight, the biting, and clothing tearing, and general violence of it is very, very hot. All kinds of alpha male aggression = yummy.
That sounds super hot, so, what’s the problem?
Well, he loves breathplay. He loves controlling when I get to breathe, and we’re not talking about a little hand squeeze around the throat during sex (hot), or a deep throat held a few seconds longer than you’d prefer. This is “I wonder if you’ll black out this time, or tap out” breathplay. When we do take-down play he used to do this by wrapping his arm around my throat in a headlock and holding me back against his chest. (I can tell you he does not do this any more because of the reaction I’m about to describe and because he’s a good Dom who respects what I can handle) For some inexplicable reason the first time he really cut off my air it sent me into a full-on panic. I have a lot of tips and tricks for controlling my pain response, for staying in position during scenes if he hasn’t tied me down, but none of them seem to work when I can’t breathe. I go full on fight-or-flight. When he really did this I just lost it, and immediately did our nonverbal safeword of three taps. At first he didn’t notice (we had been wrestling and fighting moments before) and so I very clearly did 3 snaps (another of our non-verbal safewords). The second he saw/heard it he let go, but… I flipped out and had a panic attack. Hyperventilated, then couldn’t breathe at all because I was trying to breathe so hard. He has field medic training and got me calmed down eventually (it took a while, and he was very worried). On top of that, I was sobbing (I never cry) and he was totally freaked out because I had never had a strong reaction like that to anything and, as I said before, we play pretty rough.
So, what did we do?
We talked about it. He scooped me up and carried me to bed, wrapped me in blanket, got me wine, and then came and aftercared the hell out of me. I explained the physical reaction I had, and even though he asked me lots of questions about whether it had triggered something, or if there was something specific he had done that had caused me to react like that, I could not figure out why I freaked out. I still have no idea why I react how I do. Even reading about breathplay I think it’s hot! Watching porn with it? Hot. Thinking about him doing it? So hot. Then, when it actually happens? Pure panic.
We’ve tried it a couple of times since the original, each time I thought I’d be able to brain-talk my way through it, but I couldn’t. Apparently my brain isn’t concerned when I’m getting caned 50 times, or whipped with a dragon’s tail, but not being able to breathe? It pulls the emergency brake.
So, what’s your goal?
My goal is to increase what I’m able to handle in breathplay in other areas so that I can eventually teach my brain that just like everything else my twisted little painslut/masochist side enjoys, this can be fun too. The Dom is, of course, supportive of this idea and we’ve started with increasing the time I hold him in my throat during a blow job. This is an easy place to start because I already love blow jobs, but I have always panicked if he held my head in place after I felt like I was out of air. We’re already making progress, just this past week I was able to center myself, focus on the fact that I enjoy giving blow jobs, and just focus on his pleasure. When I stopped fighting, he let me up, and we kept going. He did it more in that session (we’re still letting my piercings heal, so no intercourse for the moment) and by the end I wasn’t getting the strong urge to panic. I think as we continue to work on desensitizing me to it, I’ll get closer and closer to being able to avoid full-on panic attacks like before.
Will we ever try a headlock during take-down play again? I don’t know. He’s concerned about it because he never wants to really hurt me or cross a line, and I’m so frustrated by myself that my type-A competitive self has decided I want to beat this no matter what. In the end, I’ll still be pretty proud of myself if I can deep throat for longer times. #subwin!
Anyway, this was less educational and more experience based, but I hope it at least highlighted how a good Dom reacts when things spontaneously go south during a scene. I’ve always said that triggers are like landmines, we never know what they are or where they are until we hit one. Breathplay happens to be one of mine, and if we never fully kick the landmine, then there’s still a million other things to do. ^_^
Thanks for reading lovelies, and keep sending me questions! I love answering.
Oct 9, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
This week’s Ask Me Anything comes from a bunch of discussions we had on Facebook this week, some of them sparked by my Ask Me Anything from last week on good resources for getting into the kink lifestyle (read it over here), and it’s a really important one to have so I hope you enjoy! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What’s all this about soft limits and hard limits? What are they and why do I need them?
A: Thank you invisible internet people for asking this and/or talking about it, because limits are absolutely necessary in every kink relationship. Really I think all relationships should have them, but I guess it doesn’t come up as often for vanilla couples.
What are limits? You might have asked yourself this once or twice, or you already know and I’m being repetitive, but that’s okay. To put it simply, limits are a list of things you don’t really want to do. And they should be an actual list. I keep mine in a note on my phone so I can easily copy + paste + send to anyone I’m thinking of playing with. I also highly suggest that you come up with your limits list before you’re thinking of playing with someone specific. The reason for this is that your excitement to play with a specific person might color your true feelings about an implement, or an act, or a situation, and you might let someone do something you really don’t want them to do. Which isn’t good for you, and if they’re a decent dominant it will probably make them feel like shit too. So, avoid that. Write these down as you think of them. Keep it updated and fresh.
What are soft limits? These are the things on your limits list that you feel a little nervous about, maybe a little squeamish, but there’s a little voice inside you wondering if you might like it. Telling a Dom it’s a soft limit means that if you choose to try it, they need to take it slow. They need to explain everything, and they need to check-in a lot to make sure you’re still okay. It also warns them ahead of time that you might safe word because maybe now that you’ve tried it you’ve decided that nope, you are definitely not into being covered in chocolate and having it eaten off by a swarm of bees. Sure, it sounded cool in your head, but now you’re not so cool, and you’d really appreciate him blowing his bee-summoning whistle to remove them. (ridiculous example used so as not to offend anyone’s kink!)
What are hard limits? These are the hell-nos. The fuck-off-and-die-with-that-idea limits. Everyone has these, because these are the over-the-line things that you refuse to participate in. BUT! If you’ve been playing a long time some of your hard limits may drift towards soft limits, and that is okay too, because we are always changing. It’s why I said in the first section to keep your list updated and fresh! Who knows when you’d like to try that chocolate + bees thing again, right? No matter what, a hard limit should never even be attempted in a session with a good partner. Hard limits are off-limits. Doing something on a hard limit list is equitable to assault and/or sexual assault to me, and most SSC individuals in the community. It’s a major violation of trust, of someone’s body, and of every foundation of BDSM. Hard limits are no joke, and both subs and Doms get limits. If your Dom has a hard limit on something, it’s not cute to violate it. It’s wrong. Don’t do it! Don’t let someone else do it! If they do it, you need to decide if you feel safe enough to continue in that relationship.
- Side note: If a Dom ever flat-out ignores your safe word. Not an “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you the first time, but I did the second time and I stopped”, but a flat out ignoring of your safe word. Run. Leave. Get out. Report them to someone, if not the police. This is a terrible, gigantic red flag, and behavior like that will most likely only get worse. They don’t respect you, they don’t want you safe, and that is no longer BDSM. For real. Alright, back to the fun stuff.
Why do I need this and what do I do with it? Well, once you’ve figured out all your limits, keep it easy to access. Pop it into a folder in your email, save it in a note on your phone, but keep it accessible. You need this because if you’re starting to dip your toes into the community and you think you might want to meet someone, they need to know your limits. You should also ask about their limits. When you first start out, you might have a soft limits list a mile long, and a hard limits list just as long – and this is okay. We all have different things we can handle, we all have reasons behind our choices, and if you’re going to play in this community your play partner needs to know these things or there is no way they can do it safely, sanely, and with your consent.
What all can be on a limits list? Is it just implements? Certain acts? The short answer is anything can be on a list if it’s important to you. Now, to be fair, I’m going to share my obscenely short list with you just to give you an idea of the kinds of things you can have. Please remember, I’m a painslut and a masochist, and I’ve been in the community and playing for over a decade. I’ve done a lot of stuff, and soooooo no one needs to have a list anywhere near as short as mine. Okay? Okay.
Soft Limits
- No photography or video without express permission, that includes security cameras and “oops I left it on”.
- No marks I can’t cover with normal work clothes, seasonally appropriate.
- No watersports.
- No age play.
Hard Limits
- Clean movement from anal to anything else.
- Condoms for vaginal/anal.
- No scat play.
- No blood play.
- No public activities.
- Name calling is fine, just never “wench”.
- Pre-determined safe word. I usually go with yellow/red cause they’re the most common. Nonverbal is three snaps or three hard taps.
So… this is pretty much all I have to say on limits, but I wanted to take one more chance to say just how fucking important they are. Before you play (or before you play again if you have been playing and never taken the time to write these down) WRITE THEM DOWN. This is me being a protective, crazy, mama bear, but I adore you lovelies and I never want anyone to take advantage of you, whether they know they are or not. As always, my inbox is always open for more questions. If you have questions about my limits, or your own limits, please ask. I’d love to talk about them.
PS – Send me more questions! I’m loving this weekly opportunity to chat about BDSM and all kinds of stuff.
