Oct 2, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question came from my takeover events because it’s asked in a variety of ways almost every time I do one! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. I hope you find this helpful!
Q: For people that would like to write the lifestyle convincingly, or are just interested in getting into it, can you suggest any good resources?
A: The fastest, safest, and easiest way to get into your local BDSM community is through FetLife.com, whether you’re wanting to just talk to Doms/subs and ask them questions for realistic depiction of the lifestyle, or if you’re wanting to get into it on your own.
While I originally stumbled into BDSM the old-fashioned way by just playing around with a boyfriend (I can tell you all about that in another AMA if you’re curious), once I wanted to get into the community and find someone, I knew I needed a place where I could meet other kinksters and explore more.
How do you get started? So, I signed up on FetLife and joined some local groups. This is how you can get connected with people in your local area, and it’s what I recommend. When you sign up on FetLife you can search groups by city name, county name, etc. to find the ones that are local to you. This is the BEST way to start, because you can start browsing through the posts and “lurk” (meaning you don’t have to post until you’re ready) and see who are the most respected / most active members in your community. When you ARE ready to dip your toes in, pick one of the more active groups and make an introduction post. The night I made my introduction post I was 2 -3 glasses of wine in, I’d read about a hundred of them, and I just wrote the truth about myself. While I played with several people because of that introductory post, my current Dom (of almost 2 years) saw it and that is how we met.
Then what? Go to “munches”. These are community hosted events out in public (or at someone’s house) and they are usually not kinky (meaning normal clothes, etc). It’s the best way to meet other kinksters in your community and talk to them outside of the club. They’re relaxed, let you get a solid idea of what your community is like (and it can tell you if this munch isn’t full of your type of people). Keep going to munches until you find a few good people that you know you can trust to ask questions and have support. Showing up AT a club isn’t going to be the best idea because most people go to clubs because they want to play, and they usually have that partner already chosen. I think what’s hard to understand (because of the way they’re described in books) is that most people are at a club because they can’t install a St. Andrew’s Cross in their apartment, or a secure hard point in their bedroom, so they are at the club because they want to play – not necessarily socialize. Now, there are events at clubs meant for Meet n’ Greets, but showing up on a random night is likely not going to work out because people already have someone with them 90% of the time. My suggestion? After you join FetLife, and go to some munches, figure out who you like, who is easy to talk to, and ask to tag along the next time THEY go to the club. Then you’ll know someone (who know others in the community) and you’ll have an “in” to talk to people, and maybe get to play!
What happens on FetLife? So. Many. Creepers. You are going to get harassed, no matter who you are. FetLife is no different than any other dating site that is full of a bunch of asshats that will send you ridiculous messages, random dick pics, etc. It’s obnoxious, yes, but you don’t have to talk to them. You are not obligated to respond to every person who messages you, and if they’re an asshole in a chat the first time you talk to them, they’re probably worse in person. When you find someone interested, talk to them. Ask them ALL THE QUESTIONS you have to make sure they’re a good fit. You should spend a good deal of time chatting/talking, and always trust your instincts. If you don’t FEEL good about someone, then something is probably setting you off. I mean, there’s no perfect choice, but that’s also why I always have a safe call. Anyone new I play with has to verify they’ve been tested in the last 6 months for STDS, send me a pic of their driver’s license, and then I give that, their name, and phone number to my BFF along with my safe call time. If I don’t call by then, my friend starts calling me, if I don’t answer – police. When you share that kind of stuff up front, the crazies avoid you because you’re not an easy target. Also, download a phone app called Kik. It’s the easiest way to “text” with people off of the FetLife website (which is not very friendly on mobile) and let’s you keep talking without giving out your phone number.
Side note, and a good topic for another AMA, are limits lists. You can have soft limits (meaning you’d be willing to carefully explore them) and hard limits (which are abso-fucking-lutely not). You should have that list ready to send to any potential play partner.
What do I do when I want to meet up? You have a few options. My #1 suggestion is to first meet at a neutral, public place like a coffee shop. This let’s you just get up and walk away if they’re giving off a weird vibe (once again, trust your instincts! They exist for a reason!). The 2nd suggestion I have is that (if you have a local club) agree to meet there on a class night, or an open-play night, so that you can talk with them and actually explore some play in a safe place that has dungeon monitors (people who will help you if things get out of hand). What I don’t want any of you to do is just show up at someone’s house, or at a hotel room, before you’ve ever met them in person. That’s how you end up on the 10 o’clock news. I know it sounds scary, but this lifestyle can attract some pretty horrible people who are NOT INTO BDSM but just looking for someone that they can lure into a place and hurt them. Be smart. Bring condoms. Have a safe call. Make sure the person you’re meeting knows you have a safe call, and always make sure you have a mode of transportation. Never let someone drive you to another location in their car, take your own. It sounds simple, but it can be hard to remember when you’re excited/nervous/full of butterflies.
What happens after? Debrief. Even if it’s the next day over the phone or over texting/Kik messages, tell them what you liked and didn’t. Be honest about whether or not you want to meet them again (you are NOT obligated to see someone again if you didn’t enjoy yourself). Adjust your limits lists if you need to, start mapping out the things you like and don’t like in the lifestyle, and then either go out with them again, or find someone new. FetLife has so many members and it may take time for you to run into the right person.
The most important thing you need to know is that just because you’re a submissive does not mean you have to do whatever someone says. If they tell you to take off your clothes and send them pictures, and you don’t want to, don’t do it. Block them. If they demand you meet them in a parking lot somewhere, and it concerns you, don’t do it. Is it hot when Doms tell us what to do? Absolutely! That’s why we like it! But there’s a HUGE difference between that happening within the boundaries of a healthy, functioning, D/s dynamic, and some asshole using D/s as an excuse to be a misogynistic, abusive, sonuvabitch. Don’t fall for the asshat routine just because you’re excited to dive into the lifestyle. There are good people out there, hold out for the good ones.
Alright, lovelies, I wrote a ton on this one and I hope this helped you! Please feel free to ask more questions in the comments here or on Facebook, and please ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS! There’s a link at the top of my blog to submit, and you can do it completely anonymously. I’m always here, ready for you to ask me anything. <3
Sep 25, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question came from one of my lovely readers, Niki! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. I hope you find this interesting, because it’s all about how I get my stories down on paper.
Q: Do you plan how your books will play out or do you see what is happening in your head and just write it down? What is the oddest thing you saw/did that gave you inspiration for a scene (or whole book)? (submitted by Niki R.)
A: Hi Niki! Thanks so much for asking me this question. It’s one I hope others will be interested in, because it’s a different kind of topic from the first two that were much more intense! (Although I love those too.)
It’s even more of a fun topic because it’s one that my author friends and I talk about a lot. Writers usually bucket themselves in one of two categories: “pantser” or “plotter”. A pantser is someone who ‘writes by the seat of their pants’ and a plotter, well, plots. I am completely and unequivocally a pantser. In fact, there was a story I was writing on Literotica called “The Wild Ones” (a story I do hope to work on again someday) but my Dom was asking me questions about it one day, poking some holes in the story, which is normally fine, except I didn’t have answers to his questions yet. After all, I’m a pantser and the story wasn’t there yet, so I didn’t know. Unfortunately, I let the questions into my head and decided I needed to answer them before I continued the story. I spent a whole weekend plotting out the story so that I could answer those questions – and you know what happened?
The characters went silent, and Zora and Zane and all of the other wicked ones have never come back. I’m still sad about it, but that’s what I get for trying to tell them what to do!
See, my books play like movies in my head. I can write wickedly fast (current high point is 26k words over a Saturday and Sunday) as long as the movie is playing. I’m usually typing feverishly to keep up with their banter in my head, or what they’re doing in the scene so I can capture it. Sometimes, they surprise me with some crazy action they take, or something they say, but as the movie plays out I see why it happened. My characters aren’t just fictional beings, they’re 3-dimensional, and sometimes very annoying, real people. Over the year I wrote the Thalia trilogy Marcus would never shut up. In fact, he still talks to me sometimes and I’m like, “Hey! Shoo! Your story is done and I’m busy!”. I guess it kind of makes me sound crazy, but it works, and it brings to life these worlds on paper which is all I ever wanted to do. Also, it makes my head a pretty hot place to be most of the time! Ha!
The coolest thing I’ve seen in my head that turned into an entire book is actually the opening scene of The Invitation (a BDSM/menage novella). I had this first-person perspective of a woman in black heels walking down a perfectly white hallway towards an elevator. I could hear her heels clicking on the tile, I could feel her nervous tension, and I just knew something dark and devious was waiting at the bottom of that elevator ride. I didn’t have a name for her yet, I had no idea what was going to happen with her, but I knew it was a story I had to tell. To this day, Cara and Saif are still two characters that people ask me to write more on, and I absolutely want to. They are delightful, and one day I’ll tell more about them and Ben and Aphrodisia Limited.
I do hope this was a good answer, and I’d be happy to answer follow up questions in the comments here or on FB! Also, don’t forget to send me some more ask me anythings with the link at the top of my blog. Special thanks to Niki, and thanks to all of you lovelies for supporting me.
Sep 18, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question came from one of the readers last week who had some follow-up questions after my discussion of bringing kink into your vanilla relationship (read that one over here if you like). They’ve asked to remain anonymous, and so they shall. <3 I hope this helps them, and some of you, and remember you can always ask me anything using the link at the top of my blog! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: Thank you for the suggestions on bringing kink into a vanilla relationship, but what if your relationship / marriage is sexless, and you still want to explore kink?
A: First, I want to say that I’m sorry you’re in this situation. The longer you’re with someone the more the both of you change, no one stays the same forever, and I think more often than people like to talk about this is where long-term relationships end up. I’m not saying that it’s a foregone conclusion for all relationships (some people are lucky enough to keep that going without much help) but I do believe it’s more common than society would like us to admit. Now, I am not going to be like Cosmo or some other magazine targeted towards women that gives you a list of “20 Top Ways to Wow Your Man into Staying” because that’s annoying. What I will do is give you my best ideas on how to help, using things that have helped others.
Be honest about what you like. Communication was the theme of the other post, and it’s still true. Even if all you do is text them your fantasies, it can go a long way. A simple “I was thinking about you on top of me and it made me so excited / wet / etc” or “I just caught myself fantasizing about being on my knees in front of you” can make them feel desired, sexual, and needed. That’s an important thing in a relationship, and it’s something we sometimes lose in our comfort with another person. Reminding them, in deliciously explicit detail, might just be what wakes up that side of your relationship again.
Send them dirty pictures. All people like visuals, but men are especially known to be visual creatures. Start out slow, with just an attractive image (not too racy) that depicts something you like, or something that caught your eye. A woman kneeling at a man’s feet (dressed), or a picture of just a pair of hands in cuffs, you can send it over and tell them you find it attractive. “I love this” or “Thought you might like this” or just go flat out and say “This is so hot, right?”. Over time you can build up to racier pictures if they’re open to it. More devious ones. Tumblr is a great resource for some hot hot hot pictures, but beware a lot of them are NSFW (not safe for work)!
Buy toys and masturbate. Let’s be honest, you’re probably already doing this, but don’t be ashamed of it. Everyone has masturbated at least once in their life, and it’s a very fun way to let off some steam while imagining your favorite scene from the latest book you picked up! If you’re feeling brave, have a nice big glass of wine, and tell them what you’re going to do. Whisper it in their ear, and if they seem interested, ask if they want to join you. No pressure on them to participate, but let them be a part of it if they want to. This might take some time to build up to, but I believe in you.
Watch porn with them. I know there’s a lot of opinions out there on porn, but I like it, and a lot of other people do too. Start a tradition that each week you’ll alternate who gets to pick one to watch (Reddit has a bunch of subreddits that collect links to videos in a variety of kinks / fetishes scattered across the internet, and no, you don’t have to pay for it). Remember, men like visuals! Then if things get going… see where it takes you!
But, why the hell does this happen anyway? Women and men sometimes just lose their sex drive. There’s a lot of reasons for this… our hormones change without warning at times, the most recognizable of which is menopause in women – which is a hellscape of fun I’m not looking forward to when I get older – but in menopause a lot of women lose their sex drive, and they’re not to blame for that. (Side note: a lot of women also get their sex drive back once menopause is done being a total bitchface, so that’s exciting!) Something that’s less talked about is that men can lose testosterone production over time, and testosterone = sex drive. ‘Low T’ is now a recognized medical issue with potential solutions through medication, but a) getting your guy to admit it’s an issue, and then b) convincing them to go to a doctor and admit it (without drugging them and physically dragging them), can seem practically impossible. Also, there’s viagra and other erection assistance medication, but no matter what it is it’s hard to get them to go. For them it’s embarrassing, awkward, and then there’s that belief that for some reason women should be happy about it. (As if we can’t have incredible sex drives too!) If this is something you suspect, I’d suggest having the conversation about what you miss in your sexual relationship with them. Was it the intimacy? Do they have an incredibly talented tongue? Start the conversation by complimenting them, complimenting what you miss, and then comes the hard part… asking them if they miss it too. If they admit that they do, ask if they’d be willing to go with you to talk to someone about it. Do the research for them, find the doctor, make it as easy as possible, and then support them in whatever way they ask. Go with them? Yes. Don’t go with them? Yep. If they don’t admit it, then try the other suggestions in this post to see if you can bring back their urge to solve the problem, because that would be the first hurdle.
Last, remember, you are still wonderful. No matter what’s causing it, no matter what the hell has happened (medical, hormonal, or because of some crazy random inexplicable reason) you are wonderful. Don’t let someone else’s problems make you question yourself. You are beautiful, you are a kick-ass kinky minded individual who is not embarrassed by the fact that you’re turned on. You can be as sexual as you want to be, you can masturbate four times a day, you can read dirty books, and you can fantasize every moment of every day and no one can stop you or change that – because you are wonderful. If you choose to stay with your partner, you are still wonderful. If you choose to leave them to seek out a life that you want, you are still wonderful.
We can’t always bring kink into our relationships, and we can’t always get the sex life we want back – but we can always be proud of who we are. I am proud of who you are. If you’re reading this and any of it is resonating, or reminds you of past relationships, I am proud of you and I believe in you and your ability to take your sexuality in hand and find your pleasure where you can.
You can always message me, lovelies. I am happy to talk, even if you just want to vent about it and ask for some tips on my favorite vibrator. I hope this helped, and I hope it wasn’t too long.
Until next time,
Sep 11, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
Hello, lovelies! This is the first ever ‘Ask Me Anything’ blog post so I want to provide just a little backstory on why / how this is happening. I do “author takeovers” on Facebook occasionally, and this ‘ask me anything’ idea has always been one of my most popular things during the event, to the point that I’ve even had people message me later to thank me because the topics / discussions helped them. A little over a week ago a good friend of mine (Livia Grant) asked me why I didn’t post my answers on my blog – because she thinks it could help people. Honestly? I’d just never thought to do it. So, now I’m bringing ‘Ask Me Anything’ to the blog every week on Sundays. I’ll take a question either from the queue (check the link at the top of the screen to submit a question) or from a past takeover and provide an answer.
Now, here’s the caveat. I’m not an expert. I’ve been in the lifestyle for a little over a decade, I’m currently active with a Dom, I’m a masochist, a painslut, and a submissive, and I’ve done a lot of crazy stuff – but I am not the end-all-be-all decision maker of the BDSM community. I’m one kinky submissive who likes to do all kinds of things, and I love to talk to people and support them. That’s all this is! I’ll be happy to answer questions around BDSM, the lifestyle, my real experiences, or whatever you feel like asking – but I’m just one person. Please don’t sue me. Okay? Okay.
For future popular posts, check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Enough with the intro, let’s get to our first question! This one came out of an event I attended around how to bring kink into a vanilla relationship. I know a lot of friends / fellow authors / readers in this situation and I hope this helps. (Special thanks to Renee Rose’s group for this delightful question)
Q: How should someone go about talking to their partner about incorporating kink or finding other safe outlets for it?
A: This is a long one, so hold on!
Before this question was originally asked, I had just spent two days with a lovely coworker who figured out what I wrote by peeking over my shoulder and pestering me throughout dinner until I admitted I wrote sexy, kinky books. This turned into her admitting she wanted her hubby to play a little rougher, but she had no idea how to go about bringing it up. It’s not uncommon to want to make our fantasies a reality, and if you’re following me then you probably have a few wild and crazy ones – but, how do you bring it into your relationship? Well, in honor of this very common question I’ve written a bunch of stuff down. Here are the same tips I give absolutely everyone in this situation if they ask me about it:
#1) COMMUNICATE! Nothing is going to happen unless you’re open and honest about what you want. Now, is this easy? Fuck no. It’s awkward as hell to tell your significant other “It would be hot if you pulled my hair or spanked my ass sometimes” or “Think I could spank your ass and call you naughty?“. It’s even more awkward to try and say this while you’re pouring cereal for the kids in the morning. Let’s be honest, being an adult, in an adult relationship, does not magically make the “Lets try something in BDSM” convo easy.
The best suggestion I have is to bring it up when the setting is already sexy. When you’re kissing, getting close together, getting naked, suggest it. “Hey, baby, you know what would be really hot? If you pulled my hair a bit.” Or “What if tonight you called me sir?” WHATEVER your kinky little heart desires, bring it up in the moment, not at random. It will feel easier for you to say, and be easier for them to hear. Then its about keeping those lines of communication open, which I’ll come back to in a second.
#2) Be smart about EVERYTHING. Spanking might be someone’s pain threshold and that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to safe word if you can’t handle something, anything. No one has to be a mega-ultra-painslut to earn their BDSM badge. (Pssst, you already have your badge just by reading all these naughty books, we love and accept you, even if you never get to try it out!). Trust me, the kinky people are kinky even if they don’t do anything kinky. That being said, don’t use tools you don’t know how to. At the minimum read about it, watch YouTube videos, and the BEST is to go to an event and have someone physically show the dominant partner how to safely do it. My Dom has been a Dom for over 25 years and will not suspend me solo because he isn’t confident in doing it safely. We always do it at a club with the assistance of someone who knows what they’re doing. Kink is fun, but it’s not worth your life (or jail time for the dominant partner).
#3) Take a deep breath, and laugh. Fucking laugh when something awkward happens. Yes, the scary alpha Dom face is super hot, but if you slip off the spanking bench because it’s slick with lube (I’ve been there, done that) – laugh. It will make it all easier, I swear. Sex is messy and BDSM is even more messy. Roll with it. Laugh when you need to, and then hop back on the wooden pony and start begging again!
#4) Did I mention communicate? I told you I’d come back to it, and I have because I mean it. Communicate. All the time. Before, during, after. Even with a ball gag in your mouth tied to a cross you can nod when he asks if you’re okay, you can squeeze his fingers to prove your hands haven’t gone numb. Communicate!
Then after, REVIEW! Even if that’s just you in a pool of post-orgasmic bliss mumbling “omfg that was so hot thank you yay I’m going to sleep now“, do it. Tell them they’re a glorious sex god and all that jazz, and bathe in the glow as they return the compliment. But also? Be honest if you didn’t like something! Add it to your limits list if you REALLY don’t like it. Both subs and Doms get limit lists and both sides need to respect them. Having an open dialogue means both sides can be confident in trying more things, and most importantly it means both sides can be safe. Communication, when you get really good at it, means that you get to a point where you can list any dark and scary and fetishy kink your mind can dream up, and you don’t have to worry about being judged. If your partner doesn’t want to try it – they’ll tell you. If you both want to try it, refer to #2 and do it as SSC as possible. (That’s safe, sane, and consensual for those of you just dipping your toes into the BDSM lifestyle). Communication is the super heavy, super difficult to open, golden door – but once you get it swung open, just imagine all of the delicious things you might find inside. Be brave, I’ll always be here to answer more questions.
#5) Now for the hard truth, lovelies. Some people are not submissive, and some people are not Dominant. For some the things that turn us on will not be the things that turn on the people we love. This means that after all the talking, all the communication, all the trying stuff out – you may face a decision of “kink or my chosen partner”. And, let’s be honest, your partner is probably going to win unless there are other issues already present.
If that’s the situation you find yourself in, you can do a few things:
- Ask if you can try things out (sexual or non-sexual) in a safe place like a local club, and discuss the rules of what that might look like.
- You can separate from them, break-up, get a divorce. Hey, I know it’s not the popular answer, but it ended up being the only choice I had when my ex decided he didn’t want to handcuff me and bring out the riding crop anymore, and I’m a much happier person now. (Although you can thank the sexual frustration during the last year of my marriage for the Thalia series! ha!)
- Last, you can continue with your relationship as it was before you brought up all the kinky things and simply fill the gap with all the amazing books people like me and your other favorite kinkilicious authors write. Even those of us in the community devour fiction because fiction is perfect, and we can do things with books we could never do in real life. And if you end up living the vanilla life while your mind is dark and twisty, honestly, it’s not the worst thing that can happen in life.
Okay, lovelies. This was a loooonnnggg first ‘Ask Me Anything’ but I felt like it was the perfect one to start the blog series off with. It’s such a common concern for people and I love thinking that I can help a little with these answers. Now, I’m going to ask you to comment. Whether it’s on my blog, or on Facebook, or you tweet me back – LET ME KNOW YOU READ THIS! These are so special to me, and I’d love to do ‘Ask Me Anything’ with the kind of excitement that we get on Thankful Thursdays, but I need to know you lovelies want it.
Alright, here’s me, signing off.
P.S. – Don’t forget to submit your own questions and get yours featured one Sunday!
