This is an article contributed to the website by Gentleman4hire.com and is meant to be informative.
Social Date-stancing: Having a Fun Date on Zoom
COVID-19 has forced a lot of us to put our dating lives on hold while we try to protect ourselves and our communities from a fate much worse than being single. But what are you supposed to do, grow old alone because of a little publicly mandated isolation? Now more than ever, singles need a little extra companionship.
Zoom isn’t just for the boring businessmen (unless they have a kinky side, too). Zoom dates are a hot trend in a few different senses of the word. Plus, with a little creativity, a Zoom date can give you even more flexibility than a real date to unwind, cut loose, and get to know each other with as many or as few restrictions as you want.
Zoom Leads to More Legal Fun
Gentlemen4Hire is a platonic escort service that brings you a fun, friendly companionship experience now when you need it most. However, even with escort services, there are some restrictions and guidelines to follow to keep things clean, safe, and, um– shall we say, from getting too risqué.
A Zoom date gives you more flexibility to explore your wild side with your partner in a completely safe space. If you take the right steps, your Zoom date environment can even be totally anonymous to protect yourself and your date. A pre-agreed upon strategy and plan for the perfect date is extra-important for a Zoom date, the extra freedom comes with a little extra ambiguity. Just like an in-person encounter, always be completely clear and sure about matters of consent, even on a remote date.
Hot Hookup Ideas for Your Remote Rendezvous
A remote date doesn’t have to be a boring conversation over a lonely glass of wine on your couch. In fact, you can let your imagination run wild with fun date ideas that you could never enjoy out on the town and yet might still be too boring for a face-to-face evening at home.
On a regular date, you often end the night at home. But on your Zoom date, you’re at home from the get-go. That is, unless, you can take your Zoom date to a safe outdoor space. There’s no reason you can’t have a romantic picnic, a night under the stars, or even a walk on the beach so long as you have a reliable unlimited data connection.
Even in a platonic setting, your Zoom date can have a little extra spiciness. Discuss your boundaries with your escort to find the appropriate limits, and find the perfect environment to have your Zoom call based on that.
Competitive activities like board games and card games become much more exciting over a Zoom date. Not only do you get to enjoy the company of your date, but you get to enjoy complete control over the environment. You don’t have to worry about providing accommodations for your date, and you don’t have to deal with the headaches of going out in public. A Zoom date puts you and your partner right into the action without the hassle of arranging a pickup, finding parking, standing in lines, paying cover charges, or paying for cab fare if you decide to indulge a little too much in the drink.
Think You’re Safe if You’ve Been Tested?
It’s possible, however unlikely, that you and your escort have both been tested for COVID-19 and come back clean. This might tempt you to test an in-person encounter. While some guidelines say that it’s safe to interact outdoors from a distance, the coronavirus presents some challenges as far as dating is concerned.
You’ll be tempted to flirt and interact physically just out of natural habit. Even a professional escort will have the same tendencies in mind; it’s just his job, after all. Beyond safety, imagine the awkward setting of a date where you’re making a conscientious effort to stay away from the other person.
A Zoom date takes care of that awkwardness. Both parties know the stakes, and as a result, they make every effort to get closer despite the distance rather than stay away despite the close proximity. Even if you have every reason to believe that you and your date are both safe and clean, your best bet is to keep your date to the internet until things calm down.
Hey lovelies! It has been a seriously long time since I’ve done one of these AMAs… for real. This one has been sitting on my ‘to do’ list for a long time now (months and months) but I’m trying to get my inbox cleaned up and the lovely Shane Starrett sent me this list of questions after we spent a few days chatting about writing and my tips / experiences / suggestions from my years of writing. I’ll be honest though, this is just MY point of view. You might learn some things about me even if you don’t plan on writing, but – no matter what – I do hope that this #AskMeAnything is helpful! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
I have a feeling this is gonna be super long, so I’m going to split it into 2 or 3 parts, but… let’s get started!
Q: How did you start on your path to being a writer?
A: I think the common answer here is true, I’ve always been a writer. I made up stories as a kid, I wrote them down, I wrote really awkward stories in high school and college that weren’t exactly “good”, but all of it made me feel good on the inside. I loved getting the characters in my head down on paper, and I always got that insane thrill from it. It’s the reason we writers put ourselves through all the sleepless nights and insanity… because if we didn’t get the stories down on paper they’d just continue to spin around in our heads FOREVER, and continue to drive us crazy.
But, I think this question is leaning more towards the actual steps I took to become a published writer, and that starts with a website called Literotica.com. I’d been reading on that site for years and years (since I was too young to read it, hahaaa) and there were a lot of stories on there that just weren’t well-written (grammar/spelling wise) and it drove me crazy! One night I had some wine and was reading another frustrating story, and had that alcohol-fueled moment of confidence where I was like, “I could do this better.” So, I started a story that had been rolling around in my head. I wrote it on my iPhone in the Notes app because I didn’t want my then-husband to find it, or watch me typing over my shoulder, and then I just posted it. It was the first chapter of what would become Security Binds Her, and at first no one noticed it, but I’d caught that bug to keep telling the story, so I posted another chapter a day or so later. By the third chapter I had READERS. I had people voting for my story, leaving comments (nice and not so nice), but people were actually READING my words and some even LIKED it. Over the next 6 months or so I wrote the original trilogy of the Thalia series on Literotica, and I credit the many readers who commented on those books (and the editor I found on there) for helping me realize the weak points in my natural writing style, the grammar rules for fiction I’d never bothered to learn… and in general, just giving me the confidence to keep going.
Thalia was popular enough that several of the chapters were in various “Halls of Fame” for highly ranked stories on the website, and from this I got invited to participate in an anthology by Tara Crescent – and it was going to get really published on Amazon. [insert internal screaming] I wrote “The Invitation” in a weekend, panicked that everyone would hate it, that no one would buy it… but it sold well. “Real” readers who paid for books were enjoying my words. Tara encouraged me to publish Thalia on Amazon, and while I was terrified to take it down off Literotica where I had this warm & fuzzy little fanbase, I made the leap. She helped me navigate the complicated admin side of publishing and…. boom. Suddenly I was a published author, with books, and people were paying me for them. It was exhilarating and amazing and there are days I still can’t believe it’s real!
I still VERY MUCH recommend writing on a fanfiction / literotica type site before publishing professionally. There’s no other format where you get chapter-by-chapter feedback from readers, which allows you to adjust and improve in real time. You hear about a problem before you even write the next scene, and it’s incredibly helpful when you’re just starting out and learning how to effectively get that weird vision out of your head and onto paper. Also, it helps to build up the thick skin you need when you publish on Amazon and those 1 & 2 star reviews come in. There’s nothing more brutally honest than an anonymous comment box on those sites, and it really does help. I promise. ;p
Q: Did you always know you wanted to write in a specific genre (dark romance), or did you come into it in another fashion?
A: Honestly, all of the stories in my head have always been “dark romance” in nature, even before that term existed. Hell, I didn’t even hear that term until after I’d published the Thalia series on Amazon. I knew I liked darker stuff, I read and wrote in the noncon/dubcon genre on Literotica, but I didn’t know it was an actual “thing” until the language started to show up on Facebook. It was a phrase invented because of FB’s censors, and Amazon’s too, but my brain has always been there. Capture fantasy / rape fantasy has just always been in my head, mixed in with a heavy love of BDSM, so when my brain invents stories it tends to follow the routes that make ME hot and bothered. I’m just grateful I’ve found so many other people who love it too!
Q: Do you plot out the entirety of your stories before you flesh them out, or do they grow from your imagination organically as you put them to page?
A: I am 100% a pantser. I have only tried to plot a book once before (The Wild Ones on Literotica) and it died a terrible and tragic death. If I ruin the ending, or if I have a list of shit I need to write, all of my creativity dies. The movie stops playing in my head, and there’s just… nothing to write. When I’m writing it’s all happening in the moment in my head, and most of the time I have no idea what my characters are going to do next. Now, sometimes I have what I call “milestones” that I’ve seen, specific events that I know are going to happen, but I never know how my characters are going to get there. It’s thrilling and one of my favorite parts of being an author!
PS – I know some of you still want to know what happens to Zora and Zane from The Wild Ones, and I still have hope that someday my brain will have “forgotten” them enough to finish their epic story. I really do love them too, and I want them back just as much. <3
Q: When you are writing, do you concern yourself with word count / page count? Or do you simply know a story you want to tell, and once it is finished it is what it is?
A: Similar to the last answer, I never constrain myself. Sometimes books end up shorter, sometimes they end up longer, but I never know what the word count / page count will be until it’s done. I’ve driven people crazy before when I think I’m *almost done* and then I write another 15k because it just took that long for the characters to get to the end! I’m not in control here, I swear, the characters are! Hahaaa
Q: What methods, if any, do you use to inspire yourself to write? Do you have any methods / tricks / etc. that you would suggest to aspiring writers to keep them ‘motivated’ to write?
A: If I’m really stuck, I’ll go and read another book, or binge-watch a show, because stories of any kind help get my brain moving again. I love watching characters develop, go through experiences that change them, etc. However I can get that into myself so that my own brain remembers how to do it… that’s what I do! I do think that everyone is different, but I know I’ve heard a lot of other authors say they’ll take a “reading break” if they’re stuck, and I think it’s probably for similar reasons! (PS – You don’t need to read within your genre, story is story, and it’ll get the same gears turning!)
Q: Do you ‘force’ yourself to write each day? Or do you only write when the muse inspires you? Either way, do you set specific goals when you are writing, and try to reach them?
A: Haaa, omg, if I tried to “force” myself to write each day it would end so badly. I’d write terrible shit, and my anxiety would go through the roof. I’ve found that my psyche is just too delicate to deal with that kind of pressure, and so I generally just sit down in front of the story, re-read the last chapter or two I’ve done, and if the words aren’t there… then I don’t force them. It wouldn’t be good if I did, so it would just be a waste of time. Fortunately (unfortunately), there’s always plenty of admin work to do when you’re an author, so I can still keep myself busy and productive – even if it’s not on new words.
Q: When you first started writing, what methods / resources did you use to obtain feedback from readers? Online outlets (WattPad, Literotica, fanfic sites, etc.), or through a writer’s group? Facebook or other social media avenues?
A: Oops! I worked ahead, I totally answered this on the first question, but I’ll use this opportunity to reiterate just how VALUABLE writing on these types of websites is. I cannot tell you the number of successful, published authors I’ve talked to who started out on these sites. I think it really makes someone a *better* writer when they start out in that rough, brutally honest environment. Talent is very quickly seen / recognized, and you get the opportunity to grow and improve without damaging a brand or having a book on Amazon that just “wasn’t ready” to be published. Whenever I see someone jump straight into publishing on Amazon, I always flinch. Amazon is $$$, and you’re not just fucking with your current ability to make money – but your future ability too. If someone had read the first thing I ever wrote (which was shockingly poorly written with the biggest Mary Sue heroine ever) then they may have NEVER read me again. It’s so much better to get all of that out under a random screen name, on a website where you can take it down and republish it later, than to go straight into building an author brand before you’re ready. Just my #twocents!
Q: Of the above, which did you find the most helpful / rewarding, and would recommend to aspiring writers (if any)?
A: Since I only ever wrote on Literotica I don’t feel like I can answer this question on websites. I think all of them work well depending on what you want to write, just find the website that fits your niche and go for it! I will say that the very few times I’ve been to “writer’s groups” in person, they were full of the most closed-minded, rude, self-centered people I’ve ever met. Just a bunch of nose-in-the-air bullshit about the “right” way to write… which just isn’t true. We all write differently, and go about it in different ways, and that’s what makes books so diverse and wonderful. I’m sure there’s some good writer’s groups out there, but I’m 110% out on ever showing up to one again. XD I can’t stand (or tolerate) judgy, bitchy people who try to tell someone else how EXACTLY to do something that is inherently personal.
Q: Fan fic? Have you written any yourself? Have you had any written about your stories? Some authors do not like fan fiction, as they feel it detracts from / devalues their own work in creating the original content. What are your thoughts on this, and what would you advise aspiring writers regarding this?
A: While I’ve never written fanfiction, I did a TON of online roleplaying when I was younger. From mIRC to AOL chatrooms to MUDs, I RP’d all the fucking time. Sometimes it was an imagined world (like the MUD), and sometimes it was for books or TV shows I loved… and sometimes it was just erotic RP because I was always sexually-minded when I wrote. I think I spent an insane number of hours doing that before I ever tried to write an actual story, and I honestly think it made me better!
As far as fanfiction written about my books (haha Shane!) the only one that’s ever been written, to my knowledge, is The Wedding Gift which is an alternate universe version of just how things went down at the end of Salvaged by Love written by none other than Shane Starrett (who sent me these questions. Hahaaa!
I don’t think fanfiction damages the original work, I think it’s kind of like free advertising. People are going to fantasize / imagine whatever they want about the worlds you create when you write, and if they’re writing those things down on fanfic sites, then all they’re doing is showing a ton of other people that they love your work SO MUCH that they couldn’t stop thinking about it. To the point that they’re spending their own personal time to write down a story you inspired. That’s a huge compliment, and an awesome thing, and as long as no one is trying to profit off of it (without the author’s permission) then I don’t see a problem with it. Obviously, you can still be stopped with a Cease & Desist order from the author, and if they do that, don’t risk legal issues. Just stop, finish the story on your hard drive, share it with some local friends, and move on.
Q: Writer’s block – have you experienced it? If so, what helped you to get through it, and what would you pass along to aspiring writers who may encounter it?
A: Totally. There are times when my life is just so insane that there’s no way to get the movie playing in my head for my characters. I get completely locked up, and frustrated with the story – which means it wouldn’t be good even if I forced the words down. Usually I flip over to something else I *do* want to write, or I take a break. I read, I watch TV (like I said before) and I give my brain the space it needs to calm down. It’s really all you can do!
I will give one more trick though… sending your work in progress (WIP) to someone who already enjoys what you write, and letting them fangirl/fanboy over it can be really inspiring. It can remind you why YOU wanted to write it in the first place, and sometimes the questions they ask / comments they make are enough to get the story moving in your head again.
Ahhhhhhh, this is already so long! Okay, lovelies, I’m going to stop this here and I’ll pick it up again next week with Part II. Based on the number of questions Shane Starrett sent me, it looks like there will be 3 of these experiences / advice posts. Please tell me if you liked this, or if it helped, and if you have any other question – add them in a comment!
Thanks so much for reading this, lovelies, and just know that the only way to start writing… is to start.
When I was at RT in May I got to sit down with the lovely Measha Stone and do a video alllll about anal play, anal sex, and…. butt stuff in general. It ended up being absolutely hilarious and I wanted to make sure it got included here for posterity’s sake. Or, really, I just think that we’re hilarious after drinking a ton of wine and cackling about butt plugs and painal.
My friends and I are weird… but I think it’s why we’re so amazing.
So, I spoke at a publisher event here at the Romantic Times Con (RT Con) about social media and building your brand using SocialJukebox and Hootsuite, and I wanted to share it with anyone who might want it, because I know that I wouldn’t be anywhere near as good at FB ads, AMS ads, branding, etc. without the help of many author friends / awesome people! If you’re looking forward to building your brand on Youtube channels, then first step is to gain subscribers from TheMarketingheaven.com. Doing so, can help you set up your initial subscriber-base.
The original inspiration for the presentation was because I knew so many amazing authors who just felt overwhelmed by social media. They knew how important it was in getting their name / books out there, but they also needed to actually write the books, and many also have day jobs, families, etc. and so it can feel impossible to participate in social media in the right ways (and to the right frequency) to actually make a difference. That’s why last year I thought about putting this presentation together, but it wasn’t until Blushing Books put out a call for presentations that I saw the opportunity to really do it.
I did the presentation on Tuesday, and got such a positive response from the authors in attendance that I’ve decided to make it publicly available as well. It talks about using SocialJukebox and Hootsuite to build a larger Twitter presence, AND keep your Author Facebook Page up to date and moving, and a few other things too.
I am a big believer in authors helping authors. I think that when we support each other and make each other better, we’re only helping the whole genre. Because when our peers are more successful, so are we. Anyone that views their fellow authors as only competition, an adversary, (or a cash cow) – well, they’re probably not going to do that well for long. This is not an industry where you can succeed in a vacuum. Even the top names in the writing world have the support of good editors, fellow authors, good publicists, etc. who are sharing the benefit of their experience / wisdom to help get the books out there.
So, this is my contribution. It’s not the only method to get these things accomplished, but it works for me, and it’s done well in keeping my backlist selling consistently and expanding my social media reach. This will always be FREE, and so I would appreciate if you would email me / contact me if you see someone trying to sell it somewhere. I made it read only to try and deter that, but it’s not really possible to stop someone insistent on doing the wrong thing.
#sigh It irritates me that I even need to say that… but I do hope that it helps at least one of you! Please share this, send it to your friends, spread it around. It will only make us all better. <3
And, of course, if you have any questions / need any help, just ask!
I’ve got something special for you guys today! It’s #AskMeAnything day, but I’m actually excited to bring you guys the first round of answers from my Dom! A few weeks ago I asked members of the Dark Haven if they could ask my Dom anything… what would they ask? They came back with over 70 questions, and while some were repeats/similar, it was still way too many to answer at once. And so, here is Part 1.
Q: Ask the Dom, Part 1!
A: These questions were the ones focused on him as a person. Enjoy, lovelies!
How old were you when you got into the lifestyle? How did you get involved in the Dom/sub life? How long have you been in the lifestyle?
I have always been dominant, since long before I had words to describe it. When we played ‘house’ in kindergarten, I was always ‘dad’ and told the girls who played ‘mom’ what to do. I spanked my first girlfriend at 15, and never really stopped. I have tried having vanilla relationships, but they just don’t do it for me, and so for a long time I fumbled around looking for like-minded people, basically proposing spanking or bondage to women who seemed to like my overall demeanor. Needless to say, there were some seriously embarrassing moments, but I survived.
Then the book ‘The Story of O’, and later the film, were released, and I realized there were a lot of other people who had interests similar to mine. This was pre-internet (1981), but I started looking in the local adult papers and found a group of fellow kinksters that were starting a group with bi-monthly meetings (they weren’t munches then) where we did ‘consciousness raising’ and skill development at alternate meetings. Joining the group was a huge step forward in helping me to define what I am, and in learning the skills to do what I do, which is why I am such a proponent of people getting involved in their local munch scene, whether they choose to engage in other activities (like play parties) or not.
Do you have any hard limits? What are they? Is there anything you have said “Oh hell no” to?
Yes, but I generally don’t think of them as hard limits, they are just things that don’t suit my particular kink (for Monty Python fans, my “Idiom”). I am an owner, I relish submission and obedience, I am proud of my submissive(s), I want them to develop and succeed, and to be proud of their place. So, I don’t do things that do physical damage (beyond some soreness and gorgeous bruises), such as punching or kicking. I don’t do humiliation or degradation. I don’t do things like needles or cutting (I do like knife play, but I don’t break the skin) because the risk when you start getting below the first couple of layers of skin is beyond what I am comfortable with. I don’t do true branding, tattoos, or piercing, because I don’t have the opportunity to develop the expertise I would consider acceptable, but I will get skilled artists to do them when I want my property marked.
Are there times you want not to be in charge? I feel like being a Dom is a lot of work, do you ever just need a break from it?
No, there aren’t, and no I don’t.
I am a dominant, in my essential nature. I spend my days in the corporate world hiding that nature, because not doing so would give my HR people ulcers. Among vanilla friends (from school and the military), and my family, they are aware that my relationships are ‘a little different’, but most would draw the line at me having Jennifer kneeling next to my chair instead of sitting at the table with us. So, I hide my nature there, too. When I get to where I can let it go, when I don’t have to fake being normal, it feels like taking off a too-tight suit and finally being able to breathe. And, no, I never want a break from that.
How do you choose your subs? Why do you not like brats? Do you have a preference in looks for your subs? What characteristic or personality trait do you find most appealing in a sub?
There were a group of questions around the theme of ‘how do I find a Dom?’ that I intend to answer more generally a little later on. You should not take what I say here to apply to any other dom, these are my preferences only.
First, there are some things that are instant disqualifiers, because I have relationships and not occasional play partners:
If you are monogamous, even if you think you can fake it till you make it in poly, it isn’t going to work, because Jennifer isn’t going anywhere. If you want a man who is all yours, then go find him, don’t try to twist yourself into something you are not.
If you are physically out of shape, it isn’t going to work. When I go on vacation, I like to hike 14ers in Colorado, scuba dive, or climb all over ancient cities in the jungle (my kids used to refer to vacations with me as “Dad’s death-marches”). Vacations are something I want to share with someone I am in a relationship with, so you need to enjoy stuff like that too.
Second, there are some general characteristics I look for:
Do you have a passion? Jennifer and I never lack for things to talk about, between my passions for woodworking, boxing, and my company, and her passion for her child, her writing, and her job. Some doms prefer submissives whose only interest is their dom, but I think that having other interests stimulates the creativity and joy people bring to the relationship.
Do you have your life more or less together? There are plenty of doms with rescue fantasies, but I am not one of them. I want you to have a job, a place to live, your finances under control, and a support network of friends or family, because when you have all those things then I know that the reason you kneel to me, is because you really want to. If you need a little help to get there, no problem. I will be your rock when something happens, but most of the time I want you to stand on your own two feet.
Do you have a fairly well developed sense of yourself and your boundaries? Whenever I negotiate with a submissive, I always try to push her into telling me “No” at some point, because I need to know that she can. Your morals, ethics, political views and religion are much of who you are, and they don’t have to agree with mine except in those areas where they absolutely must (if you believe polyamory is morally wrong, we have an issue), and I need to know that you can stand by them.
On a kink specific level, I look for a few things:
I want you to belong to me, because you want to serve and please me.
I want you to wear my mark, so that it is clear to anyone who sees you naked that you are owned, and I want you to wear it with pride.
I want you to understand that you are my property, to use as I see fit, but not to abuse. If I want to beat you with my belt and then fuck your throat, that is exactly what I will do, and, no, you don’t get a say in the matter, but you will always have a safe word.
I don’t want you to try to manipulate me to do what you want, by disobeying or acting up so I will “punish” you, by trying to make me jealous, or by faking a lack of capacity to do something. If you need something, say so. If you want something, ask. I may say yes, or I may say no, but you will never get in trouble for asking, unless I have told you the discussion is over.
Oh, I forgot to talk about looks… guess it wasn’t that important.
Hope you liked this sneak peek into my Dom (I think he’s pretty awesome). For now, he’s working on more answers. Until next time, lovelies!
I’ve got a treat for you guys today, lovelies! Two of my favorite people on the planet are Candice and Brandon Barrier. They’ve been reading my work since I was writing on Literotica and have supported me from Day 1 of my author journey. Not only would that make them special, but I’ve also met them in person and we’re all in the BDSM community and I fucking love them to death. SO! I was very excited when Brandon offered to write the Dom’s perspective on BDSM after I shared the Domme’s POV from another reader a few weeks ago. This is really special because they are letting us see into their private life, which is a real gift. Make sure to thank them if you enjoy this, because I know I’m grateful! <3 Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What is BDSM like from the Dom’s perspective?
A: Hello all, my name is Brandon, and I am 37 years old. Jennifer is a dear friend who asked me to talk a little about myself and the D/s relationship I have with my wife, Candice.
We got started in BDSM about 6 years ago. Candice actually got me into it with her asking me to read 50 Shades of Grey. While reading the story, I started asking her if she wanted me to be more like Mr. Grey in that I start taking a more dominant role in the bedroom, and she admitted she did.
So, what did you do?
I started doing more research into the BDSM lifestyle and watching more videos that were on the BDSM spectrum. In doing some research, I found a local BDSM group that had a monthly demonstration of various aspects of the lifestyle; rope bondage workshops, whips and the proper way to use them, pet play, and various other aspects within the BDSM lifestyle. Candice and I started going to the workshops, and the play parties afterwards, and learning a lot about the lifestyle and ourselves. This was by far the best thing for us to learn all sorts of different aspects within the lifestyle. Plus they were in a safe setting where we could test out the instruments with the teachers and get expert advice on the proper way to use those toys.
It was at these play parties that I discovered that I am a very sadistic person. I really do enjoy inflicting pain on a masochist. I think these feelings really came to light when we were at a whipping demonstration. As I was watching the female take the whipping and slowly slip into subspace, it was like Pandora’s box opening up in my mind. I started thinking of all the different ways I could inflict pain on Candice. Lucky for me, she likes that!! It wasn’t long before we were playing at the parties as well and started collecting various implements. It has been 4 years since we started collecting toys and we have close to 50 different instruments we can use. We eventually want to redo our basement and make it into a dungeon. That way I can take Candice down there and really make her fly high into sub space without having to re-arrange our bedroom.
What was it like realizing you were a Dom/sadist?
One thing that I had to come to grips with about the sadistic mindset was that while I like inflicting pain on someone, that person also enjoys receiving the pain I am giving them. It was a hard thing to allow myself to feel those feelings and still not consider myself a psychopath. It is also a constant battle in my head when I am in a scene with Candice. Because she is my wife, I struggle with allowing my sadistic side to take things too far, but also still give Candice enough to send her flying into subspace. More often than not, I wind up holding back and not allowing my demon to fully have control. It is not that I don’t think Candice can handle it, it is the inner conflict of me loving her and not wanting to hurt her. However, I have topped other submissives at play parties we have attended and I have had the chance to release the demon completely and have made those women scream. It was very fun to co-top with a female switch where we had her tied up and were taking turns with various instruments on the sub until she was very deep into sub space.
What’s it like being a Dom?
It is a very unique experience when I tap into my sadistic side. It makes me become hyper aware of all the sounds and movements the submissive makes while she is tied up. I develop tunnel vision and everything else in the room sort of becomes white noise. I enjoy watching the pain blossom through the submissive when I hit them with whatever instrument I am using. I love seeing the skin get red and more dark with each additional hit. Hearing the sub make moans and take in a sucking breath, screaming out in pain – it’s the greatest soundtrack. Watching the sub take more and more pain and taking them into subspace is the ultimate pleasure for my sadistic demon. I get a high from watching the submissive float and ride the endorphins. I feel like it connects us in a way that few people will ever be able to achieve.
One of the things I like to do is breath play with Candice. It is such a rush to have one’s life in your hands, deciding when they can breathe in and when they cannot. It takes a tremendous amount of trust on each other’s behalf. The submissive has to trust their Dom with their life. They are allowing another person to decide when they can breathe. The Dom has to be able to read the signs of their submissive to make sure that they are taking them to the edge, but not going over to the point that their submissive passes out. The main instrument I use in this play is my hands. I like to feel her pulse under my hand, the way it quickens as I allow Candice just a little bit of air. The struggle for her to keep her submission or panic and start to fight back shows vividly in her eyes. It is such a rush to have someone’s life in your hands, but with such extreme play you have to make sure that you are hyper aware of the sub and any little signs that she may be in serious distress and not to injure her neck with the pressure you place there with your hands.
Aftercare is so important as well when doing extreme play, or any play for that matter. I think the aftercare portion of the play is just as important as the paying attention to the sub during play. Because the sub has such a rush of endorphins and is coming down from that rush, it is important to be there and take care of the sub. Sometimes the play can involve stuff that would make most people question if you actually love someone or not. So it is important to make sure the sub knows they are cared for and that your feelings have not changed for them in any way, shape or form. If nothing else, you are so proud of them for taking what you gave them and they gave you their submission seamlessly.
Thank you for letting me share this on your blog, Jennifer.
Wasn’t that AWESOME, lovelies? I am so glad to have found so many amazing people through my writing, and Brandon and Candice are some of the best. They are so open, so wonderful, and such incredible examples of the BDSM lifestyle done right. They’re also a great example of what can happen when you’re open with your partner and communicate your wants and needs! (Something that I talk about in the “getting kink in your relationship” AMA). I want to thank them both SO much for sharing their lives with all of us so that we can have the Dom’s POV on this blog as well.