Jan 8, 2017 | Ask Me Anything |
It’s Sunday, and that means Ask Me Anything day! This week I was talking to my friend Measha Stone (a fabulous author, check out her website) and she challenged me to discuss my relationship with my Dom, because we’re a little … different. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What kind of relationship do you have with your Dom?
A: Ahhh, this question. I’ve had a lot of conversations with friends about the unique relationship I have with my Dom, and when Measha suggested I talk about in on Ask Me Anything, I figured that it would be a perfect thing to cover this weekend, especially following my “Being Type-A and Submissive” AMA from last week.
My Dom and I are both very driven people, very Type-A perfectionists, and so I’m lucky that he understands that side of me and my drive to do everything at 100mph without stopping to breathe (usually until I have some kind of mini-breakdown, and then he’s there to pick up the pieces and remind me I’m not a horrible trainwreck of a failure). In short, if you don’t want to read this whole thing: he’s there for me, and I’m there for him, and we have a lot of kinky fun sex.
But what’s so different about your relationship?
Well, the big reveal here is that we are not monogamous. I was married a few years ago and one of the things that broke it down was that my ex decided that he was no longer okay with me playing with other people, specifically women. I’m bisexual and I was always upfront that if I married him, I wouldn’t be okay never touching a woman again. He was fine with that … for a few years, and then he changed his mind. About the same time he changed his mind on kink, and having fun, and ever doing anything. Can you see why I got divorced?
Anyway the result of having to go through a divorce made one thing very clear to me. A) I’ll never get married again, because it was a nightmare to get out of, and B) I’d never be monogamous again. I know that it’s just not something I can do, and so now I’m extremely up front about it, and clear that I won’t change my mind on it. Just like I’m clear that I’m a submissive and a masochist/painslut and so if that stops, I won’t be sticking around either. When I first met my Dom he was attracted to my intelligence and my masochism (his words) because he’s a sadist, and a definite alpha-Dom, and he likes to play hard – which not everyone can handle. So, we saw each other for a while unofficially, and we were both seeing other people, and then because I got busy and life got in the way, there was a period of several months where I only saw him / played with him / fucked him. This led to a delightful misunderstanding that I had decided to be monogamous, which I shattered when I told him I wanted to play with someone we had met at the club.
Yikes – what happened?
We talked about it. (See? I practice what I preach!) Yep, we talked and talked and talked in our strange hyper-logical, unemotional way. He admitted to struggling with the idea of me being “his” but also playing with other people. And the challenging thing to explain to people who don’t have an open relationship is that my Dom is my primary, and if he really objected to someone – then I wouldn’t play with them. We talk whenever I want to go play with someone, but I don’t have to ask permission… it’s more that I ask if he’s okay with me playing on that particular night, and if he has any knowledge from our community about the potential play partner. Now, the first night I played after “the talk” was with that Dom I mentioned before, and it was difficult. He worried about me the whole night, because this guy was a very clear sadist and he’d met him so he knew it, and then he got angry (not at me, just in general) with the idea of someone else touching me, and told me he spent about four hours at the heavy bag in his garage letting out that aggression. But you know what happened next? We talked again. And again. And again. And I explained that feeling boxed in, trapped, would make me run faster than anything else. He said that he wanted me exactly as I was and he just needed to realign his Dom brain to encompass the idea that I would be with other people than just him.
So my Dom read books. A lot of books. Because that’s what he does when he struggles with something, and he now has a small library on open relationships, polyamory (which we are not), and swinging. Then, he started to play with others again, and to be honest he plays with others way more frequently than I do because he has the time, and that has made a huge difference over the 2 years we’ve been together. He “gets it” now, and we’re solid. Great. Fantastic.
You said you have an ‘open relationship’ but isn’t that the same thing as polyamory?
Nope. An open relationship literally means that neither side is expected to be monogamous, but we treat each other as the core relationship and everything else is just fun. Polyamory is exactly what the word means ‘many loves’ – and I’d have to be “in love” with my Dom to even broach that… which is a whole separate issue that I will do my best to explain before you all panic. I’m a very caring person, I adore my friends, I am protective and loyal and will go out of my way to help someone “in my circle”, but I don’t fall in love. Just the idea of my Dom saying “I love you” makes me feel like I’m bordering on a panic attack, because I know I can’t return it. This is yet another complicated thing that I suck at explaining, but the gist of it is that I don’t connect on that level. I just can’t, and I’m sure it’s because of a lot of crap that happened when I was a kid, but at the end of the day, I need someone in my life who is okay with me never saying the magical “L” word, because I’m not going to mean it if I do.
So, what DO you say to each other?
His favorite line when we’re in a serious / borderline emotional (which neither of us are) conversation is: “You are very important to me.” And I know that is true. He puts me first, he would do anything in his power for me, and he cares about my health, wellness, and happiness. He is important to me as well. We talk on the phone every single night (unless it’s impossible) and I have told him that I care about him, because I do. But, unlike the fabulous things I read and write in our genre, we’re not a love story. We’re not even romantic. We’re kinky as fuck, we are great in bed together, and he likes to hurt me until I’m crying and coming like the twisted little masochist/painslut I am because it gets him off too. In short? We’re perfect for each other.
And for all the complications I’ve talked about in who I am, and who we are – our relationship is actually pretty uncomplicated. We are loyal to each other, and we are each other’s primary relationship – and any other play/sex/fun is secondary, peripheral to what we have together which encompasses great conversations, good company, and a shared taste in dark humor. He can play with anyone he wants, and I can play with anyone I want. When I’m in his house I serve, I obey (and I often do in other situations as well). More importantly, I am always his, because I’ve agreed to be. He’s my Dom, my Master in our own version of the kink (I got pierced last year as a version of a collar, 4 rings in my labia).
And this is what BDSM is all about.
It’s about finding out what works for you, what YOU need, and then seeking it out. It’s about talking through your needs and seeing if your partner can meet you there. It’s about give and take (although he gives so much more than I do in my opinion, but he would argue that point). And it’s about respecting the major rule in the community, that play should be safe, sane, and consensual, but all of the other rules can bend. In fact, there are a lot of OPINIONS in BDSM, but there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to how you label yourself or what you do. Kink comes in a billion different flavors, and you pick and choose what works for you and your partner. It’s what makes it so fucking amazing.
So, are we odd? Yes. Are we fantastic together? Absolutely yes. Do we have mindblowing sessions and incredible sex and still sometimes go out to dinner and talk for hours about a million things? Fuck yes.
I always say how lucky I am to have found him, and because he’s insane enough to like me he says that he’s lucky too.
And really, I have to agree with both of us.
PS – I hope you enjoyed this peek into my relationship, and I hope it doesn’t change your opinion of me too much! Remember to send me your own Ask Me Anything and maybe next time I’ll answer your question! Hope 2017 is going well for you so far! <3
Jan 1, 2017 | Ask Me Anything |
We’re back with another Ask Me Anything post, the first of the new year, so Happy 2017 everyone! Today, I’m talking about a concept that I think a lot of people have concerns about when it comes to BDSM. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
Q: Can you be Type-A and submissive?
A: Alright, lovelies, I’ll be honest that this question wasn’t directly asked to me, but was actually a suggested topic from my amazing friend Livia Grant after we were talking about some concerning language we’d heard from people getting involved in BDSM about what makes someone submissive or not.
There seems to be a belief out there that someone who is submissive should “act” like a submissive all the time. Meaning they’re meek, and quiet, and say “Yes, sir” even at work. They’re bumbling and shy like Anastasia Steele from 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve even heard/seen ranting posts from submissives in the community who think that this is the only way to be a REAL submissive, as if there are some secret guidelines that only the legitimate members of the BDSM community get, and if you’re not behaving the way they imagine a submissive should – then you’re out of the proverbial club.
It’s fucking ridiculous.
Being submissive is a personality trait, it’s a kink, it’s tied into romantic relationships and sexual gratification and while it is absolutely part of what defines you, it is not everything that defines you.
I’m with the most dominant, alpha-male, sadistic Dom I’ve ever been with in my entire life. He likes high protocol. When I’m in his house I don’t wear clothes, I don’t sit on furniture without permission, I say “Yes, sir” or “No, sir” when I respond or I get slapped (don’t freak out, we’re into that, it’s hot to me). I sleep with a chain collar, literally chained to his bed when we go to sleep (so fucking hot). Seriously, he is my Dominant when I am in his house (or wherever we choose to play), and I respect him as such. I do what he says, I obey like the good little trademark submissive following all the guidelines.
But you know what I also do?
I have a full-time job where I make pretty good money. On top of my day job, I write books (obviously) and this takes a fuck of a lot of time. It’s happened more than once that he has wanted me at his house to play, and I’ve had to explain that one of my deadlines wouldn’t make that possible. I’m also intelligent, and when we’re not actively playing we have full-out debates on global politics, books, history, and a myriad of other topics – and he adores this about me. He loves it when I argue with him, because he likes the challenge, he likes how smart I am and how I can go from letting him tie me down to the spanking bench one minute and then the next be telling him he’s wrong at the kitchen table. I have actually WON ARGUMENTS with my Dom!
In addition to all of that – I have family obligations as well. I have friends. I have an entire fucking life outside of my Dom, where he is just one wonderful part of it.
To some people, that makes me a terrible submissive.
Putting others before my Dom? Putting myself before my Dom? Not being some mute, naked slave girl in the corner? THE SHAME!
The BDSM police are going to come and take my sub card away and shred it before my very eyes!!
There’s just one teensy little issue with those beliefs about submissives… I’m a sub, yes, but I’m also a person. I was a person before I even thought about BDSM. I am Type-A in the by-the-book kind of way, it’s the way my brain was wired in the same way my brain was wired to be a masochist. I’m an overachiever, and I always have been. I take on way too much and then kill myself to get it all done. (writing 3 books in 2 1/2 months is an example of this insanity) I want to be successful at my day job, it matters to me to be successful. I want to succeed in writing as well – not just because it makes me happy to write – but also because it is a job to me, and I want to do well. I have a BA and two Master’s degrees because of this overachieving craziness. I earned a certification for work in November just because I wanted to kill myself studying for three months so I could have it. I’m not someone who depends on people. I take pride in my ability to stand on my own two feet, pay my bills, do the things I want to do, and be successful – and that? That doesn’t fit in with the traditional tropes in BDSM books.
If we were to look at some of the more popular books in the genre, we’d see that I should be directionless, lost, in need of a strong male hand to guide me towards success. It wouldn’t be that I was stupid, it would just be that I’m not driven enough to use my intelligence. And you know what? Those people exist too in the world. There are amazingly smart people who just don’t know what to do next, and having someone in their lives to guide them is just what they need. But they are not the only version of a submissive. There is no right way to be submissive, and I guess that’s really what I want to get across in this post…
Whoever you are, if you are submissive, you’re doing it right.
You can be the most bad ass bitch in the office. The corporate ball-buster. The person everyone in your life goes to so you can help solve their problems because you always have your shit together, and you are the glue that keeps the world from falling apart.
You might be the person who is quiet, unsure of themselves, scared to take the next step in your life because you want support, want to feel supported, before you can do it.
And you know what else? You might be none of those descriptions. You might just be you.
At the end of the day, as submissives, one thing is true for all of us. Our submission, the moment when we let go and turn control over to our Dominants, is a beautiful, relaxing moment. It’s that instant when no matter what your brain has been saying – it shuts up. All that matters is obeying, and we all get the same tingling thrill when we obey, when we submit, and we make them happy.
What if my Dom disagrees?
If you have a Dom in your life that wants you to quit your job, wants you to be less than you’re capable of being or want to be, then that is not a good Dom. If they are criticizing you for wanting to succeed, or putting you down when you talk about it – that’s not them being dominant, that’s them being an asshole. Submission does not mean you’re not allowed to be amazing in your own right. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have your own life, your own job, your own goals – and be phenomenal.
I’m lucky that my Dom loves my over-achieving, psycho, Type-A nature. He loves to hear about me killing it in a meeting at work, or on a project. He cheers me on when I pull out some insane word count over a weekend (even if that word count meant we didn’t get to see each other). He supports me when it comes to family stuff, and sometimes he pulls the Dom card when it comes to helping me be successful. I have a bedtime during the work week, and I have to call him every night so he can make sure I’m going to bed and not writing until 2am (which I would totally do). He tells me that I have to take care of myself, lectures me when I over-commit in my writing, or say “yes” to too many things at work. He would never tell me what to do when it comes to either of my jobs, but he will discuss them with me, and I’ve earned a few swats before because I didn’t think of my own health and sanity before taking on something new.
The way BDSM relationships work are unique to each and every couple. The best part of it is that we make our own rules, we set our own limits, we negotiate and we work together. But a BDSM relationship should never hold you back from succeeding outside of the playroom.
So, can you be Type-A and submissive?
Abso-fucking-lutely. You can be whoever you are right now and be submissive. And you know what, lovelies? That’s just one more thing that makes the BDSM community even more amazing.
PS – Happy New Year, lovelies! I hope this year is amazing for each and every one of you!
Dec 18, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
We’re back with another Ask Me Anything post! Today, I’m answering a question an author friend sent me who is writing a BDSM story for the first time. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
Q: What are your pet peeves in BDSM books?
A: Before I come across sounding like a bitch or something, I have to explain how this post happened. A good friend of mine (and an excellent author) started writing her first story with BDSM elements in it, and she was asking me questions about different implements / situations / etc. because she knows I write it myself and live it outside of my books too! As we were talking I shared a few of the things that frustrate me whenever I read BDSM romance or erotica. It’s a genre I love to read (the rare times I get the chance to read) and so when any of these cringey/eye-roll-worthy things happen, I really do get irritated.
So, here are my pet peeves in BDSM books. You might agree, or you might not, but here we go!
Being unable to sit down or lie down. Okay, for real, anyone that has received a punishment knows this is just ridiculous. Even after over 60+ cane strikes in a session I was able to sit in a freaking chair. Sure, bruises can make things uncomfortable, cane cuts can make you wince and maybe even groan when you sit, but being unable to sit down? Collapsing to the floor when you try to sit in a chair? I roll my eyes so hard when I see this show up in books. It tells me that the person probably has no idea what they’re talking about and there’s a 99.9% chance they’ve never experienced it. Especially when this occurs after a hand spanking! The only real exception to this pet peeve for me would be a harsh whipping. If a character has open wounds, then they’re probably not sitting or lying down on the wounds. But welts? cane cuts? A sore/red bottom from a long spanking? Puh-lease.
Characters purposefully disobeying a direct order from their recognized, SSC Dominant partner. Now, this one has a lot of exceptions. As authors in this genre, we often use tropes that put our submissive characters in situations to get in trouble, and I’m fine with that as long as they make sense. The ones that have to do with rushing off to try and prevent a disaster/save a life? Yep, that makes sense. Making an honest mistake, like losing track of time or forgetting a phone call? Sure, yep, we’ve all been there. The times when I just want to shut a book (and I won’t even buy one if it seems this is where it’s headed) are when the submissive character has been told something like “Don’t spend any more money shopping! You’re on a budget!” and the submissive character goes to the mall and cries over a pair of high heels that she just has to have, buys them, and then she acts surprised when she gets home and gets in trouble and then whines through her whole punishment. *slams head into desk* That’s just ridiculous, and (in my opinion) if a sub doesn’t respect her Dom enough to follow something as simple as “Don’t buy a two hundred dollar pair of shoes” then she’s a shitty submissive, and he needs to just break it off. #NotFinishingTheBook
Masochists/submissives not feeling pain at all. I’m a masochist, and a pain slut, and as I mentioned in the subspace post from before – whether we have the little set of crossed wires on the inside that make us more capable of converting that pain into pleasure, it still fucking hurts to get caned! I’m about to talk more about how dangerous things like this can be, but on this topic I feel like it mainly sets insane expectations for people. Sure, everyone’s pain tolerance is different, but the key word there is tolerance. There is still pain, and to ignore the fact that a belt, or a crop, or a cane hurts is just ridiculous.
SSC Dominant partners doing flat-out, researchable, stupid shit. I don’t think anyone (either in or out of the community) expects anyone to know everything. I sure as hell don’t know every implement out there, and I definitely don’t know how to use them all or how they feel, etc. There’s a ton I don’t know – but there’s also a lot of ways to find those things out if I wanted to put one of those things in a story. I’ve never done fire play, for instance, but I know people I could ask about it so I didn’t have the Dom do something ridiculous and/or dangerous. When I read a story where in a consensual play scene someone whips all the way down the sub’s back, I cringe. No responsible Dom would land an implement on the small of the back where important organs like the kidneys and liver are pretty much unprotected besides a layer of muscle. The upper/middle back are protected by the rib cage, but the lower back can cause serious issues. It’s something simple, and totally researchable, and whenever I see it show up I just shake my head and get a little pissed off because there’s enough people in the world who get inspired by the books written in this genre and want to try things out – and they often mistake fiction for a how-to guide, and things like ^this^ can put people in jeopardy.
Also, SSC Dominant partners trying out implements for the FIRST TIME on a submissive. Same issue I just mentioned on this subject. When couples start to dip their toes into BDSM, if they were inspired by kinky, fun fictional books, then they will sometimes believe it’s totally okay to go out, buy a cane, and start cracking away with it. Whenever I see a Dom in a book that has admitted they are A) new to the lifestyle, or B) never used/touched the implement in question, I want to toss my kindle when they start using it without even a casual mention that they, you know, researched how to use it, or took at least ten minutes to practice. Even “lighter” implements like a belt or crop could really hurt someone, and there is a technique for each implement. It’s why at the bare minimum everyone should read, watch some YouTube videos, etc. before even trying to use something the first time. When we make our characters able to innately understand how to snap a bullwhip against someone’s skin without tearing them open, it’s not only stupid, it’s dangerous.
We may know it’s fiction, and we may expect people to know it’s fiction, but if we’re depicting a healthy, safe, sane, consensual BDSM relationship – then we should do it right, and that might mean spending our time researching before we write a scene.
The good news? My author friends don’t make these mistakes, which is why I love them so much. They’re all so committed to doing the responsible thing when writing their stories that sometimes they get lost down the research rabbit hole (just like I do) in their effort to make their story the best possible it can be.
So, now you know what someone like me both as an author and an active submissive, gets irritated by in our genre. Obviously, these are just my opinions, lovelies. Do you agree? Disagree? Tell me!
Dec 11, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything again! Today, I’m picking up on a topic I started in the ‘Ask Me Anything’ discussion from two weeks ago about subspace, over here. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
Q: What is sub drop?
A: Well, as I started to discuss in the original AMA on subspace, sub drop can happen to anyone who experiences an intense scene/session/whatever you want to call it. It can appear in a lot of different ways, and you may be someone who consistently gets it, or you may be someone who never does – but then spontaneously your body reacts oddly and you’re going to want to have an idea of what you might be feeling and why. It could happen anywhere from an hour or two after the session, to 48 hours, and the feelings can last up to two weeks (depending on your body’s reboot needs).
So, what the hell is sub drop?
Technically, sub drop is what happens to your body after you’ve drained your brain of all the hormones and chemicals that it releases during the scene or session. Just to remind you, this is a direct quote from that other post: “During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense.” That super sciencey language boils down to the idea that your body releases a bunch of happy chemicals from your brain during a scene, and it can put you into subspace, which as I described before is glorious.
But, that sounds awesome!
It is! All of those happy chemicals are why we submissives / masochists / painsluts do all the fun BDSM things we do. We get a high from the interaction, the intense intimacy, the flood of fun all-natural drugs… but there’s a teensy eensy problem with it. See, on a normal day your body is dripping those chemicals out at a super low rate, and you may get small dumps during exercise (yay!), but during a scene it can flood you with them and your body/brain can only replace them at the normal rate. There’s no magical way to speed up the creation of all those happy chemicals, and it takes time to rebuild your store of them. If you’ve used a LOT of those chemicals, that’s when sub drop can come in. It’s kind of like all-natural withdrawal from drugs, with all the nasty consequences.
What does sub drop feel like?
There are a lot of different ways it can show up. Let’s talk about the physical things first. It can show up as feeling like a hangover, or like you stayed up too late (even if you got more than enough sleep), or you could wake up feeling just off. Drop can be associated with feelings of loneliness, mental and physical exhaustion, confusion, insecurity, tremors and many other physical symptoms. Obviously, if you’ve had a pain session then there’s going to be the bruises, the soreness, the general pain from post-session fun. Not so random fact: pain can make you tired. It’s one reason why pain disorders are such a fucking nightmare, because just existing is exhausting when you’re in pain. Now, despite what many books will tell you, you’re not going to feel a normal spanking the next day. Seriously. You will be able to sit down just fine (if you can’t tell, this is one of my pet peeves when reading our genre). But a caning? A whip? An intense rope tie or suspension? You’re going to feel it and it’s going to wear your energy down, and your body is going to be short on chemicals to give you a boost. This can make you crash and suddenly become exhausted, and being tired can make you emotional.
Honestly, the emotional side is the more dangerous half. Emotions can wreak havoc on our logic, and then suddenly (even though we’re normally all okay with our play partner/Dom/Daddy/etc) we can suddenly feel abandoned, depressed, or unloved. It can hit you like a surprise too. I don’t often get sub drop, but the times I have it can show up while I’m in the middle of something innocuous like my day job, or ordering coffee, and the next moment you can feel like you might cry, or you’re upset at your Dom for a reason that can feel totally logical at the moment.
Whatever happens… stop, evaluate, and communicate.
Text or call your Dom as soon as possible. A good Dom will know what sub drop is, and they’ll be there to talk to you about what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. But if you can’t get a hold of them, you need to stop and evaluate. Remind yourself that sub drop is normal, remind yourself of what happened during and after the session. There should have been aftercare, and sometimes that is helpful to hold on to. Even if it happened quickly on-site at the club, or if it was a whole night of cuddling in bed together – think about how much your Dom cares for you and appreciates the time you spend together in a scene.
What else can I do?
Put together an aftercare kit for yourself. A lot of BDSM sites recommend these, and while I don’t have a formal kit in a bag, I know what makes me feel better. If I’m tired, caffeine helps. Specifically, a 5-hour energy or a sweet latte with an obscene number of espresso shots. It helps to provide some artificial chemical substitute to what my brain might actually provide if I hadn’t binged on the ones my body normally has.
If you’re feeling a little emotional, think of what makes you feel better when you’re sick (because you kind of are). A warm blanket, a bubble bath, candy, a favorite drink, music, etc. If you are someone who likes to journal, keep a notebook with you to write out how you feel to get the words out and down, this might also help you clear your head before you talk to your Dom.
Most of all, don’t blame yourself.
Sub drop is totally normal, and while it can really suck, the benefits of kink and subspace and the powerful relationship you can form in the BDSM lifestyle is totally worth it. Right, lovelies?
What can I do to avoid sub drop?
Drink water before, during, and after play. A glass of something high in simple sugars like orange juice right after can help as well, because it will give your body a boost as it’s adjusting to the loss of happy chemicals. Mostly? Aftercare, aftercare, aftercare. Get wrapped up in a blanket to stay warm, get cuddled and snuggled and doted on. Let your Dom take care of any marks you might have. Eat something. Indulge in lots of warm and fuzzy physical touch to balance out all the kinky touching. Basically, give yourself a huge bank of good stuff to remember and think of if sub drop happens.
Make sure you and your Dom have talked about follow-up. Will they call you? Text you? Will you be able to reach them if drop happens? Communicate about the possibility and know what the expectations are on both sides (because if you don’t have this set out before hand then that drop might make you spontaneously upset/angry with them if they are unreachable).
The most important thing to remember is that while sub drop may happen, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just the natural reaction of your body to the loss of all those happy and fun chemicals. You’ll be back to normal and ready for more kinky fun in no time.
Hope this was helpful, lovelies!
Dec 4, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
I’ve got another Ask Me Anything again! Today, I’m answering a question someone submitted through the ‘Ask Me Anything’ link at the top of the page. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: Will Thalia ever return in another book?
A: Ah, this reader was SO sweet because they also wrote some very nice things about how much they enjoyed the Thalia Series. For those of you who haven’t read it yet, the Thalia series is a dark, capture fantasy series that morphs into some hot books of BDSM done right through things that happen that I won’t ruin in this post. There are three full books in the series:
- Security Binds Her (Thalia #1) – This is dark, capture fantasy and I beg you to heed that warning before you dive in. It has been a #1 bestseller in BDSM and Suspense Erotica a few times on Amazon, and featured twice on BookBub, so I’ll also say that people do seem to enjoy it. ^_^
- Striking a Balance (Thalia #2) – Follows Thalia and James as they try to figure out a balance in their BDSM relationship.
- Salvaged by Love (Thalia #3) – Continues with James and Thalia, but the series comes to a thrilling conclusion that brings back plenty of dark and devious capture fantasy elements!
Before I ever started publishing on Amazon, I wrote all three of these books (well, the first drafts anyway) on a lovely site called Literotica. Many of the authors you know and love in erotica started there. Addison Cain, Livia Grant, Sophie Kisker, Eris Adderly, Tara Crescent and many more… We all got our feet wet there and really honed our voices with the advantage of instant reader feedback chapter-by-chapter. We all have a special place in our hearts for Lit, and as a thank you to all of those awesome fans of Thalia, I wrote a little novella called ‘Christmas at Purgatory’ while I was in the middle of working on ‘Salvaged by Love’. It won the Reader’s Choice award on the site for the month of December that year, and the little blue ‘W‘ that sat by this story for a long time made my heart happy.
- Christmas at Purgatory (Thalia Extra #1) – Just 99 cents, or free on KU, this short little romp takes James and Thalia back to the submissive training school called Purgatory for a little menage holiday fun!
Now, the fact that I gave Christmas at Purgatory the subheading of ‘Thalia Extra #1’ has hinted for a long time that I planned to write more in the Thalia universe, and the truth is that – yes, I do plan to write another Thalia story!
While I’m not sure when I’ll be able to fit it into the writing schedule, I’ve wanted to write about James and Thalia’s wedding for a long time. It will be another novella, a little extra to add to the world of Thalia, and we’ll get visits from all of your favorite kinky friends from Purgatory, including Maggie and Kalen!
Things were much simpler back in the days of Literotica. I wasn’t self-publishing at all, I didn’t have a real-life publisher that I promised books to as well, and I really only had the world of Thalia in my head. Now there are so many books on my to-do list that I have to prioritize in a few different ways.
- A) Books that have deadlines/commitments come first, and lately those have been more frequent. This is AWESOME because it means that my publisher and other authors like my work enough to want more books from me and to invite me into fantastic opportunities like the Twisted Fairytales box set, the amazing series I’m starting with Livia Grant, and a secret project with a TON of authors from Blushing Books that will come out throughout 2017.
- B) Series that are already in-progress can’t be abandoned, because there are readers that want to know what happens next, and that makes me all kinds of warm & fuzzy, and of course I want to continue those stories too. The Daughters of Eltera series will have another book coming in 2017, and so will the Dangerous Games series! Those series aren’t finished, and so they need to keep going.
- C) I have to have inspiration. I’m a pantser when it comes to writing, meaning I write the movie that’s playing in my head, and Thalia and James have sort of been put-to-bed mentally. Their story has been told, and so it takes some special, dedicated focus to bring them back to life and tell another story about them. Do I want to (and plan to) do it? Absolutely. Can I promise a specific date? Unfortunately, no. (and before you ask, I also know that people want more from Cara and Saif and Ben from the novella The Invitation, and that has been floating on my writing wish list for a long time too!)
I will say that I’ve got Thalia on my neverending to-write list for 2017 and if inspiration strikes, I promise you will see a Thalia Extra #2 popping up, and it will be fun and kinky and delightful.
Hope this answered your question! And please, ask me more questions! I love to answer them.
Nov 27, 2016 | Ask Me Anything |
It’s Ask Me Anything time again! Today, I’m answering a question that was sent to me on Facebook about subspace. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What is subspace like?
A: I actually had a different post planned for today (you’ll get that one next week now!) but yesterday I had someone on Facebook send me a message asking if I could define subspace, and I did my best to give them my answer as to what subspace is like, but then I thought it would be a good topic to have in this AMA collection. I’d like to remind everyone reading that this is just my perspective on it. Subspace may feel similar or vastly different to what I describe, but I will say that no matter who I’ve heard describe it – it’s so, so lovely. ^_^
Wait, what the fuck is subspace?
Okay, so for those just dipping their toes into the BDSM community, you may be asking what the hell I’m even talking about, so I’m going to steal a quick medical explanation from submissive guide, because they can toss around the scientific jargon (and save me the effort of a lot more research than I need to do since this already exists: here). Subspace is a state that submissives can reach during an intense scene with their Dominant partner. “During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense. Producing a sort of trance-like state due to the increase of hormones and chemicals, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives once reaching a height of subspace will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimuli causes the period to prolong.”
What does all ^that^ scientific jargon mean in plain English? Basically, when you experience pain and pleasure together (and you are someone who has at least some level of enjoyment from both) your body can get all kinds of crossed-wires in the brain, dump a bunch of happy chemicals into your brain, and it’s phenomenal.
Alright, so what do you think it feels like?
In short, the best thing ever.
Subspace is the primary reason I think I’m such a masochist/painslut. I’m high-strung pretty much all the time because of my type-A personality, which means that if I’m not going 100mph in my life in all areas I basically feel like a useless sack of flesh. The clear downside to being this kind of type-A is that I’m almost constantly stressed out and I never relax. My Dom likes to point out that the bar I set for myself is so high that it’s impossible to reach, and I usually respond that if it was achievable I’d be bored to fucking tears. But, being constantly stressed and having your brain constantly telling you the endless list of shit you should be doing is exhausting.
When I play (specifically pain-based play) I’m just like everyone else in the world that at first my body panics. A lot of people seem to assume that masochists/painsluts just don’t have pain receptors, but we ABSOLUTELY do. Taking a cane strike feels like taking a cane strike, whether or not you’ve got some crossed wires that let you enjoy the after-effects of the pain a little differently than other people. Our bodies are meant to urge us, sometimes aggressively, to avoid pain. It becomes a situation of mind over matter at first, the cane lands, there’s that beat of nothing at all, and then searing fiery pain in a perfect line that slowly spreads out. It’s in that moment where the pain has peaked and the sensation starts to spread into a dull ache that the body tries to give you a little chemical nudge to depress the pain that you’re still actually feeling in the form of endorphins and enkephalins – basically, happy free all-natural brain drugs. While in a normal session this allows you to keep taking the pain, the real magic is when all those chemicals build, and build, and build, and then suddenly you’re so soaked in them that your body/brain gets so confused that it actually does stop processing pain in the normal way.
That is subspace. You still feel the cane land, you’re aware on some level that there was pain, but the drug cocktail of your brain makes it just a blip on the radar. On top of that, because more pain stimuli were introduced, your brain produces more of the chemicals, and the effect just amplifies and amplifies.
For me, entering subspace is that instant where I go from tense and fighting to hold whatever position he’s put me in so I can keep taking the spanking/belt/crop/cane, then I find myself leaning back into the strikes for a moment (when the high starts to take over), and then I sort of feel like everything melts. Like the way you feel after a really good massage, just languid and soft and warm. Each new strike sends you further out into subpsace, and it is a perfect place where my brain is blissfully empty and quiet. Where I feel safe and protected and cared for, because I know my Dom is watching out for me and that knowledge allows me to let go and just… float.
That sounds… awesome. How do I do it?
Well, there’s a few things to understand here that I feel like I need to say. For subspace to take over, you really do need something to induce all the chemicals described above. I’ve heard that some people can get into subspace just from really really intense submissive experiences (that don’t include pain), but I’ve never had that. Reaching subspace is a challenge, and many people miss out on experiencing it, because of the body’s fight or flight response. And here is where I want you to please listen to me very carefully – at all times, if you feel the pain is too much and you are concerned for your safety, you should absolutely safeword. Trying to reach subspace should not put your health and safety in jeopardy, and you and only you know how much pain you can take. For a first timer trying to reach subspace, I would beg you to attempt with something like a spanking or a flogger. Flogger subspace seems to be the easiest for most people to enter, and it’s the most “gentle” in my opinion, and pretty fucking phenomenal. However, no matter what, you take care of yourself first. Safeword if you need to, for your own sake and your Dom’s (because they’ll feel like absolute shit if you let them really hurt you).
So, back to the fight or flight response. Before all those happy chemicals start to compound in your head, you’re going to feel panic. It’s your body’s way of saying what the fuck, this hurts, get the hell out of here, and you know what? That’s a good thing. That’s the reason we’re still alive as a species! Yay for fight-or-flight! The problem is when we’re trying to be our naughty, kinky selves and just want to get our ass belted for a bit, and our body pulls the fire alarm like we’re about to be mauled by a fucking bear. You will feel panic, you may break position because your body’s urge to “RUN, NOW!” is so strong your body literally tries to throw you into action (it happens, especially with high or sudden pain experiences) – the real challenge is the old mind-over-matter mantra. It’s forcing yourself through the fight or flight instincts to hold position, to shiver or shake if you need to as you ride the initial wave(s) of adrenaline, to breathe and accept that the pain exists, and hold on.
I’m not even going to pretend that’s easy, and I sincerely wish I had a better explanation for it. I also won’t pretend that everyone is capable of taking pain in such a way to reach subspace. I’m a masochist, and I always have been. I had issues when I was younger because pain has always given me a little rush as soon as it passes, and that rush is what I chase all the time. There’s this little bite of bliss after the agony – and subspace is the gigantic ice cream sundae after all the little bites build up. It is, to this day, the most perfectly peaceful experience in my life, and it’s why BDSM is something I cannot live without. It’s also why my alpha-male, super-sadist of a Dom is perfect for me. We both play hard, because he gets his own high from the experience, and it works out magically.
But remember, subspace can be very dangerous.
Remember that little line towards the beginning of this post about subspace being kind of a morphine-like drug? That thing about detaching from reality, and blah blah blah? Well, that can be a pretty fucking big deal when you’re in a situation with a serious implement. Every single Dominant has the responsibility of A) knowing the signs of subspace, B) understanding what their sub can take safely, and C) knowing when to fucking stop. Because, here’s the deal lovelies, the sub will not stop the session after they’re in subspace. The submissive is off in floaty la-la land and at that point the Dom could keep going until their arm fell off with whatever implement they’re using, and each new introduction of pain would only push the submissive farther and farther into subspace.
BDSM is dangerous, I’m sure we all know that. Hitting anyone with anything is in general not the best idea. There are good reasons for this. Our skin and muscles get damaged when we hit them. It’s why we get bruises, it’s why we can have muscle tears and tendon tears. It’s why pain responses and fight-or-flight responses fucking exist – it’s our body trying to protect itself. But, when we play around with it and override all those very smart signals, we stop getting them. Which means we stop protecting ourselves.
A good Dom will recognize the physical shift as the sub “drops” into subspace. I think they call it a drop because of that sudden physical languor that hits as the chemical cocktail takes over, I know that I’ve been told I physically drop as all the tension melts out of my muscles. Now, the Dom shouldn’t just end the scene, they need to let the sub enjoy subspace, give them enough to drag it out for a bit, but subspace is not the time to ramp up the action. It’s the time for the Dom to watch very very carefully, and after the sub has spent some fun time in la-la land, slowly wind down the session. My Dom likes to switch from harder implements to something like a flogger, and then something like a soft mitt or a fuzzy flogger that just continues to provide sensation, but not anything that could damage me since I’m not going to react if it did actually damage me in some way.
- SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: If you can’t trust your partner to take care of you in this way, please do not attempt subspace.
Then what?
I think aftercare is even more important post-subspace than just a regular session. You’re so out of it that you may fall asleep as soon as the sensation ends, or you may get really emotional as your body tries to process the chemicals flooding it. Many people can get very cold and start shivering (I’m like this) and so, again, the Dom has to be very aware and very confident in handling it. They need to wrap you in a blanket/put you in bed, and provide physical contact. A lot of Doms (including mine) will just start talking to help bring the sub back “up” from subspace. As wonderful as subspace is, the coming out of it part can be very nice too. Listening to your Dom tell you how wonderful you did, how you’re a good girl, how happy you made them, and lots of other lovely things is something fantastic to come back to reality hearing. The timeline on coming up changes person-to-person and scene-to-scene. I’ve been up and around in fifteen minutes, and there was one time after a caning that I fell asleep in the playroom and he woke me up three hours later with bourbon and dinner already made. The most important thing is that they stay with you until you’re okay, and keep an eye on you.
That means the next 48 hours too. A good Dom will probably check-in waiting to see if you “drop”. I can talk more about sub drop on another post sometime, but the most important thing to know about sub drop is that over the next 48 hours you can have a sudden response to the loss of allllll those brain chemicals. It can show up as exhaustion, suddenly being emotional/irritable, or even feeling depressed. There are things that can help: my Dom always sends me to work/back home with a 5-hour energy to take if I feel it coming on, and he sends me messages checking in and reminding me of how much he enjoyed the session/how much he appreciates my submission and me. Just remember that if you feel sub drop, the first thing you should do is reach out to your Dom for that confirmation that everything is okay – it really does help. (And I promise to put sub drop as a more extensive post some time).
Alright, lovelies, this one was soooooo long but I realized I’d never written about it and since it likes to show up in books and discussions a lot, I felt like subspace needed to be a talk for all of us. I hope you enjoyed this! Please comment here, or on FB, and tell me what you thought, and send me more questions/suggestions for posts!
I’m always here for you to ask me anything,
