It’s Ask Me Anything time again! Today, I’m covering a topic that came up in a chat with one of my friends who also “lives the lifestyle”. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: How far is too far in letting your Dom have control?
A: Well, first things first, let me give a little framework to this discussion so you know what inspired this Ask Me Anything. I’m not breaking any confidences, but the basic conversation came up because we both have Doms that like to push our limits, and in a similar fashion most of that power-exchange is reserved for in the home/bedroom. Her Dom suggested that she allow him to take over her diet and exercise habits because she’d been struggling to hold herself to it, and she had asked in the past if they’d like to take some of that power-exchange out of the house/bedroom and into more daily life type things (but had not discussed diet or exercise at that time).
Many of you might be having a similar reaction to what I did imagining your Dom checking in on your daily food and exercise regimen. Kind of a queasy stomach, nervousness. Am I right? (Maybe, maybe not, that’s kind of the point of this AMA!)
Either way, that’s what spawned today’s Ask Me Anything, because whenever you get into a real-life BDSM situation, and it actually means YOU are going to be doing these things (i.e. not just a character in a book who we can make think or feel whatever we want them to) there’s a whole new level of adjustment that has to happen. With every new step in a BDSM/power-exchange relationship, there’s an internal evaluation that has to happen.
It’s that moment where you take a deep breath after the subject is brought up, imagine it in your head, and think to yourself: Am I okay with that?
I know I’ve felt that moment in a lot of situations. The first time I tried to deep throat, the first time I tried anal sex, the first time I tried a-bunch-of-different-things-we-dont-need-to-discuss-in-this-post. And while it feels wonderful and freeing to give up control to your Dom a lot of the time, there are others that it can do the opposite.
So, how much control do you give up?
The short answer? Exactly as much as you are comfortable with.
The long answer? Well, I think the magical and wonderful thing about BDSM relationships is that it’s all about communication and consent. Both of you may have things you would like to do, or are interested in doing, that your partner just isn’t. (Read about limits lists over here) When it comes to power-exchange those lines get drawn, and redrawn, and redrawn again throughout your relationship, and the level of control you give to your Dom over your relationship changes with it. I still remember when I first started seeing my current Dom, I quailed at the idea of making his coffee, and handing it to him across the table, when we were eating in public. It felt like I was putting on a giant neon electric sign that said “HEY! EVERYONE! LOOK AT THE WEIRD FREAKS DOING KINKY SHIT AT TABLE FIVE!”.
The good news? Nobody ever fucking noticed, and if they did, they had no idea what they were really seeing.
The better news? He understood. At first it started with me making his coffee with a crimson blush, unable to even lift my head for fear of the rabble staring, and then carefully and oh-so-casually inching his coffee back across the table towards him. The Dom never commented, never corrected, he always just said, “Good girl” because I was giving up as much control as I could in that moment. I got a ‘good girl’ when I did it that way, and I get a ‘good girl’ now as I take his coffee directly from the waitress, start making it for him while she’s still right there, and then offer it to him above the table with one hand under it, and one hand on the cup to hold it handle first to him.
What we can handle changes… but sometimes it doesn’t.
As submissives (and Doms for that matter) we have to trust our instincts on what we can handle. The coffee thing was awkward, but not horrible. It was the normal anxiousness of trying something new in BDSM. The longer you play in the community, the better you get at judging when that feeling is just nerves, and when it’s “oh fuck no, never, nuh-uh, no way”.
Personally? I’d never give up control over my food or exercise to my Dom. I have too much going on in my life (like camping at the Ren Faire this past weekend, studying for this SPHR certification, deadlines for books, and general family chaos) to guarantee someone that I’ll never make a mistake.
Now, could this help someone else? Someone who absolutely has the time and capability to do it, and they just aren’t? Maybe. If they are into a discipline oriented relationship, or looking for a disciplinarian to help them. But the main thing to remember is that there is NO answer to this question that works for everyone. Everyone has to draw their own lines, and judge if they want to redraw them at a later date.
Wait, how does the redrawing happen?
Oh, come on, you already know the answer to this question. It’s like the second tagline for BDSM below ‘Safe, Sane, Consensual’ … Communicate! Nothing is going to happen in the first place if you don’t talk about it, and nothing changes, nothing new is tried or adjusted, unless you talk about it. Will my friend ultimately decide to let him control her diet/exercise? I don’t know, but I do know that the crucial thing we focused on in our discussion was that she is the only one who knows if it will work for her and her Dom.
And that’s what I want you to remember too, lovelies. Whether you’re the submissive or the Dom, you get to decide on what you want to give up control on or take control of – and you are the only one who knows that list.
PS – I loved this topic, but I am hungry for more! If you have any questions, or ideas, or general things you want me to chat about on Sundays, please submit an Ask Me Anything feedback at the top of the website. I’ll do my best to be interesting!
Such a great post. I think about this a lot. Just a little bit of power exchange in the bedroom is intense for me, and the thought of doing more (even having my day structured by a Dom) turns me on to no end, but in reality I’m a grown ass woman with a kid, career, mortgage, etc, etc…and I’m not going to be someone’s babygirl trophy in a tower focused only on painting my nails and perfecting my blow job techniques (and that’s not what my man wants, anyway). It’ll be a challenge to both of us to fit in kinky fun in every day ordinary life, but that’s the adventure!
I dont’ have more to offer at this point but will be curious to see what others have to say and where the discussion leads!
I think that’s the situation many of us find ourselves in! It’s a hell of a turn on to read about it, and we can fantasize all day long, but at the end of the day we need to get shit done and that means not having to check with our Doms for every tiny thing (also, how exhausting would that be for them?). Deciding where to draw the line for power exchange in the relationship is a two-way discussion and I can only hope people are keeping those lines of communication open!
Hello! I greatly enjoyed your post and it got me to this question, how can I make a Dom prove himself to me? I just started a relationship with my very first Dom,but I feel I missed the step in making him prove himself. I am not sure how to go about it. Everything is going very well so far, but I don’t want to give him my full submission without making him earn it. Would you have any ideas on how I can go about that?
I think “proving yourself” in a relationship happens naturally over time. There’s no specific set of hurdles for anyone to jump because every relationship is different, just like every person is different. If you don’t feel ready to fully submit yet, then that’s okay. You’re just not ready! Don’t rush it, and just communicated about any concerns you feel. Trust and submission will come naturally. :)
I wandered onto this topic while doing a google search after having the wind knocked out of my sails this morning. I met my potential Dom, in person, earlier this week. Everything seems to be good, or seemed to, until he returned home and I didn’t hear from him until late in the evening.
This morning I awoke to an email telling me I would need to see a dentist, his cost.
I would need to lose 30 lbs minimum and that would be followed by a tummy tuck and/or surgery to remove extra skin. He states this is two-fold – It will give me more ability to handle more intense, longer play. He also said it is because he has form fitting clothing he wants me to wear in play. Surgery to fit play clothes? As for length of play and intensity, we played some, and he is the one that slowed/stopped it, not me.
The man has seen full body nudes, prior to coming to meet me.
I am struggling with my anger. Why does he want to change me? Is this enough red flag to throw a match behind me and never look back at the burning bridge?
There are many other things. He is very wealthy. I am not. The list is growing as I boil in my blood.
Do I bother to let him explain himself further or simply walk away.
We have spent hours upon hours, daily, talking, getting to know each other, asking questions and explaining ourselves.
I’m new to this. I had one Dom previously for a short time and he was always gone traveling. I knew and experienced enough that I want 24/7 D/s. I don’t want to be disrespected though, and at the moment that is how I feel.
I’ll take any and all thoughts and advice. I’m intelligent enough to get educated.
Feeling overwhelmed and a bit broken hearted – not to mention: angry.
This guy is definitely not a good dom, sweetheart. Absolutely light the match, toss it over your shoulder, and walk off to find someone worthy of your time. He’s a jackass and you don’t deserve to be talked down to or treated that way. You’re a person, not a sex toy, and if he can’t treat you like a person in general than he’s going to be a pretty terrible fucking dom. **hugs** Find someone worthy of your submission, lovely!
I am so glad to have come across this page this morning.
Much like the person above, I very recently Met a dom and as this is something I have always wanted to get more into, I was super willing and feeling ready to agree to mostly anything.
But literally on the first day of meeting, he told me I would have to cut off any male friends I have, and that he immediately wants a key And full access to my apartment.
I am in school and he said despite whatever the professor’s rules are, I am to text him to check in and update him even in the middle of class.
I would like to submit but the idea of giving someone a key to my apartment that I just met seems incredibly foolish. Sometimes when I ask for clarification about rules I do not understand he either calls me dumb for asking or just straight up ignores the question. I want to move forward but his communication is poor and it seems that I don’t really know what I am agreeing to because the rules seem to keep changing. He wants to live part time in my place but is not offering to help pay for anything so I am growing increasingly skeptical and anxious. Does This sound like a possible fake Dom? Is he asking for too much upfront or am I maybe just not ready to be completely submissive?
This is absolutely not a healthy relationship, honey. It’s unreasonable to expect you to respond while in class, and if you’re not ready to give him a key then he needs to accept that. If he’s being this controlling now, how do you think that’s going to evolve? It doesn’t seem like a good idea to continue with him. There are many good doms out there and you absolutely deserve to find one and be treated with all the love and affection and care a submissive deserves! <3
Whoa. Like whoa! I’ve read some of the posts that came after mine and I am totally flabbergasted! These men do not sound like good people let alone Doms. I feel like if it is not something you wpuld ve ok with from a boyfriend don’t take it from a Dom. I’m still with the guy from January and he is amazing, we toned it down for a bit and got to know each other. Please be careful ladies!
I need help I have been with my dom just over a year now he is married but now going through a divorce an moving out I am supporting him best way I can we have been in d/s relationship for over a year and he is so thankful for my support he says he appreciates me beyond the d/s relationship we have together and hes opening up more about his past telling me very personal things about himself but now I dont know if he sees me more as just a friend or if we are still in a d/s relationship as we havent talked about it much due to me having to support him through the divorce now he is thinking of living in south of france I’m absolutely gutted what’s going on please help does he just see me now as a friend and is it doomed I’m getting told allsorts
I wish I could help you, lovely, but the only way you’re going to know the status of your relationship is to talk with him directly. Communication is the most important element in BDSM, and in any relationship, and this is something you’re going to have to ask him. I wish you all the best!
I have been seeing a guy off and on about 4 years. He now wants me to be his submissive and have control over all my life. He wants to be my guadian have control of my money and my friends. He wants me to ask to buy gifts for my family. I have done the sexual things he asked, but this is too much. I am close to my family. I am a widow and financially independent. I don’t want him to control everything. Is this okay. He says he knows someone that wants him to take over her life. I am about ready to say let her have him.
Of course it’s okay! You set the boundaries and limits for what you are willing to do. If he’s not okay with that, then it’s bordering on abuse not D/s. Always put yourself first, lovely. You deserve to feel safe and loved. <3
My Dom wanted to “own” Me. To be in total control of who I had lunch with, what I bought for my family etc. I was good with the sexual control and role play, but when he said being a submissive means he has total control and when I couldn’t commit to that we ended it. Now we are in a best friends relationship. He says his sub begged him to take over her life. I think there is not a sub. I have reason to believe he created her.
He sounds like someone more abusive than dominant. I’m proud of you for stepping back and taking care of yourself, lovely! Go find someone who cares for you and meets your needs. <3
Wow I thought I was doing this wrong. I’m a new Dom with a strong willed sub. We have been friends for many years before getting into this relationship. It’s new for her too.
After reading about these so called “Doms” I feel better about my mistakes
Don’t be too hard on yourself! It’s not about perfection, it’s about consent and open communication. As long as you’ve got that going for you (and you’re checking into the safe way to do things) then you’re on the right track! :)
Soo happy I found this page for completing a power exchange with someone I met online. We talked a few times on the phone and agreed to meet in person. He told me we are to meet for one hour and the next hour we are to complete the power. We were to do the power exchange at my place, with rope, blind folds, etc. I raise concern on that I walked to meet a few times before and then do the power. Because I raised that request, he cut me out. He said it’s his way or no way at all and that I was making the relationship Vanilla already. Sounds like a douche right?
Absolutely! So glad you walked away from that. He doesn’t sound like a dom, he sounds like a predator. <3