It’s Sunday, and that means Ask Me Anything day! This week I was talking to my friend Measha Stone (a fabulous author, check out her website) and she challenged me to discuss my relationship with my Dom, because we’re a little … different. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What kind of relationship do you have with your Dom?
A: Ahhh, this question. I’ve had a lot of conversations with friends about the unique relationship I have with my Dom, and when Measha suggested I talk about in on Ask Me Anything, I figured that it would be a perfect thing to cover this weekend, especially following my “Being Type-A and Submissive” AMA from last week.
My Dom and I are both very driven people, very Type-A perfectionists, and so I’m lucky that he understands that side of me and my drive to do everything at 100mph without stopping to breathe (usually until I have some kind of mini-breakdown, and then he’s there to pick up the pieces and remind me I’m not a horrible trainwreck of a failure). In short, if you don’t want to read this whole thing: he’s there for me, and I’m there for him, and we have a lot of kinky fun sex.
But what’s so different about your relationship?
Well, the big reveal here is that we are not monogamous. I was married a few years ago and one of the things that broke it down was that my ex decided that he was no longer okay with me playing with other people, specifically women. I’m bisexual and I was always upfront that if I married him, I wouldn’t be okay never touching a woman again. He was fine with that … for a few years, and then he changed his mind. About the same time he changed his mind on kink, and having fun, and ever doing anything. Can you see why I got divorced?
Anyway the result of having to go through a divorce made one thing very clear to me. A) I’ll never get married again, because it was a nightmare to get out of, and B) I’d never be monogamous again. I know that it’s just not something I can do, and so now I’m extremely up front about it, and clear that I won’t change my mind on it. Just like I’m clear that I’m a submissive and a masochist/painslut and so if that stops, I won’t be sticking around either. When I first met my Dom he was attracted to my intelligence and my masochism (his words) because he’s a sadist, and a definite alpha-Dom, and he likes to play hard – which not everyone can handle. So, we saw each other for a while unofficially, and we were both seeing other people, and then because I got busy and life got in the way, there was a period of several months where I only saw him / played with him / fucked him. This led to a delightful misunderstanding that I had decided to be monogamous, which I shattered when I told him I wanted to play with someone we had met at the club.
Yikes – what happened?
We talked about it. (See? I practice what I preach!) Yep, we talked and talked and talked in our strange hyper-logical, unemotional way. He admitted to struggling with the idea of me being “his” but also playing with other people. And the challenging thing to explain to people who don’t have an open relationship is that my Dom is my primary, and if he really objected to someone – then I wouldn’t play with them. We talk whenever I want to go play with someone, but I don’t have to ask permission… it’s more that I ask if he’s okay with me playing on that particular night, and if he has any knowledge from our community about the potential play partner. Now, the first night I played after “the talk” was with that Dom I mentioned before, and it was difficult. He worried about me the whole night, because this guy was a very clear sadist and he’d met him so he knew it, and then he got angry (not at me, just in general) with the idea of someone else touching me, and told me he spent about four hours at the heavy bag in his garage letting out that aggression. But you know what happened next? We talked again. And again. And again. And I explained that feeling boxed in, trapped, would make me run faster than anything else. He said that he wanted me exactly as I was and he just needed to realign his Dom brain to encompass the idea that I would be with other people than just him.
So my Dom read books. A lot of books. Because that’s what he does when he struggles with something, and he now has a small library on open relationships, polyamory (which we are not), and swinging. Then, he started to play with others again, and to be honest he plays with others way more frequently than I do because he has the time, and that has made a huge difference over the 2 years we’ve been together. He “gets it” now, and we’re solid. Great. Fantastic.
You said you have an ‘open relationship’ but isn’t that the same thing as polyamory?
Nope. An open relationship literally means that neither side is expected to be monogamous, but we treat each other as the core relationship and everything else is just fun. Polyamory is exactly what the word means ‘many loves’ – and I’d have to be “in love” with my Dom to even broach that… which is a whole separate issue that I will do my best to explain before you all panic. I’m a very caring person, I adore my friends, I am protective and loyal and will go out of my way to help someone “in my circle”, but I don’t fall in love. Just the idea of my Dom saying “I love you” makes me feel like I’m bordering on a panic attack, because I know I can’t return it. This is yet another complicated thing that I suck at explaining, but the gist of it is that I don’t connect on that level. I just can’t, and I’m sure it’s because of a lot of crap that happened when I was a kid, but at the end of the day, I need someone in my life who is okay with me never saying the magical “L” word, because I’m not going to mean it if I do.
So, what DO you say to each other?
His favorite line when we’re in a serious / borderline emotional (which neither of us are) conversation is: “You are very important to me.” And I know that is true. He puts me first, he would do anything in his power for me, and he cares about my health, wellness, and happiness. He is important to me as well. We talk on the phone every single night (unless it’s impossible) and I have told him that I care about him, because I do. But, unlike the fabulous things I read and write in our genre, we’re not a love story. We’re not even romantic. We’re kinky as fuck, we are great in bed together, and he likes to hurt me until I’m crying and coming like the twisted little masochist/painslut I am because it gets him off too. In short? We’re perfect for each other.
And for all the complications I’ve talked about in who I am, and who we are – our relationship is actually pretty uncomplicated. We are loyal to each other, and we are each other’s primary relationship – and any other play/sex/fun is secondary, peripheral to what we have together which encompasses great conversations, good company, and a shared taste in dark humor. He can play with anyone he wants, and I can play with anyone I want. When I’m in his house I serve, I obey (and I often do in other situations as well). More importantly, I am always his, because I’ve agreed to be. He’s my Dom, my Master in our own version of the kink (I got pierced last year as a version of a collar, 4 rings in my labia).
And this is what BDSM is all about.
It’s about finding out what works for you, what YOU need, and then seeking it out. It’s about talking through your needs and seeing if your partner can meet you there. It’s about give and take (although he gives so much more than I do in my opinion, but he would argue that point). And it’s about respecting the major rule in the community, that play should be safe, sane, and consensual, but all of the other rules can bend. In fact, there are a lot of OPINIONS in BDSM, but there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to how you label yourself or what you do. Kink comes in a billion different flavors, and you pick and choose what works for you and your partner. It’s what makes it so fucking amazing.
So, are we odd? Yes. Are we fantastic together? Absolutely yes. Do we have mindblowing sessions and incredible sex and still sometimes go out to dinner and talk for hours about a million things? Fuck yes.
I always say how lucky I am to have found him, and because he’s insane enough to like me he says that he’s lucky too.
And really, I have to agree with both of us.
PS – I hope you enjoyed this peek into my relationship, and I hope it doesn’t change your opinion of me too much! Remember to send me your own Ask Me Anything and maybe next time I’ll answer your question! Hope 2017 is going well for you so far! <3