We’re back with another Ask Me Anything post, the first of the new year, so Happy 2017 everyone! Today, I’m talking about a concept that I think a lot of people have concerns about when it comes to BDSM. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
Q: Can you be Type-A and submissive?
A: Alright, lovelies, I’ll be honest that this question wasn’t directly asked to me, but was actually a suggested topic from my amazing friend Livia Grant after we were talking about some concerning language we’d heard from people getting involved in BDSM about what makes someone submissive or not.
There seems to be a belief out there that someone who is submissive should “act” like a submissive all the time. Meaning they’re meek, and quiet, and say “Yes, sir” even at work. They’re bumbling and shy like Anastasia Steele from 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve even heard/seen ranting posts from submissives in the community who think that this is the only way to be a REAL submissive, as if there are some secret guidelines that only the legitimate members of the BDSM community get, and if you’re not behaving the way they imagine a submissive should – then you’re out of the proverbial club.
It’s fucking ridiculous.
Being submissive is a personality trait, it’s a kink, it’s tied into romantic relationships and sexual gratification and while it is absolutely part of what defines you, it is not everything that defines you.
I’m with the most dominant, alpha-male, sadistic Dom I’ve ever been with in my entire life. He likes high protocol. When I’m in his house I don’t wear clothes, I don’t sit on furniture without permission, I say “Yes, sir” or “No, sir” when I respond or I get slapped (don’t freak out, we’re into that, it’s hot to me). I sleep with a chain collar, literally chained to his bed when we go to sleep (so fucking hot). Seriously, he is my Dominant when I am in his house (or wherever we choose to play), and I respect him as such. I do what he says, I obey like the good little trademark submissive following all the guidelines.
But you know what I also do?
I have a full-time job where I make pretty good money. On top of my day job, I write books (obviously) and this takes a fuck of a lot of time. It’s happened more than once that he has wanted me at his house to play, and I’ve had to explain that one of my deadlines wouldn’t make that possible. I’m also intelligent, and when we’re not actively playing we have full-out debates on global politics, books, history, and a myriad of other topics – and he adores this about me. He loves it when I argue with him, because he likes the challenge, he likes how smart I am and how I can go from letting him tie me down to the spanking bench one minute and then the next be telling him he’s wrong at the kitchen table. I have actually WON ARGUMENTS with my Dom!
In addition to all of that – I have family obligations as well. I have friends. I have an entire fucking life outside of my Dom, where he is just one wonderful part of it.
To some people, that makes me a terrible submissive.
Putting others before my Dom? Putting myself before my Dom? Not being some mute, naked slave girl in the corner? THE SHAME!
The BDSM police are going to come and take my sub card away and shred it before my very eyes!!
There’s just one teensy little issue with those beliefs about submissives… I’m a sub, yes, but I’m also a person. I was a person before I even thought about BDSM. I am Type-A in the by-the-book kind of way, it’s the way my brain was wired in the same way my brain was wired to be a masochist. I’m an overachiever, and I always have been. I take on way too much and then kill myself to get it all done. (writing 3 books in 2 1/2 months is an example of this insanity) I want to be successful at my day job, it matters to me to be successful. I want to succeed in writing as well – not just because it makes me happy to write – but also because it is a job to me, and I want to do well. I have a BA and two Master’s degrees because of this overachieving craziness. I earned a certification for work in November just because I wanted to kill myself studying for three months so I could have it. I’m not someone who depends on people. I take pride in my ability to stand on my own two feet, pay my bills, do the things I want to do, and be successful – and that? That doesn’t fit in with the traditional tropes in BDSM books.
If we were to look at some of the more popular books in the genre, we’d see that I should be directionless, lost, in need of a strong male hand to guide me towards success. It wouldn’t be that I was stupid, it would just be that I’m not driven enough to use my intelligence. And you know what? Those people exist too in the world. There are amazingly smart people who just don’t know what to do next, and having someone in their lives to guide them is just what they need. But they are not the only version of a submissive. There is no right way to be submissive, and I guess that’s really what I want to get across in this post…
Whoever you are, if you are submissive, you’re doing it right.
You can be the most bad ass bitch in the office. The corporate ball-buster. The person everyone in your life goes to so you can help solve their problems because you always have your shit together, and you are the glue that keeps the world from falling apart.
You might be the person who is quiet, unsure of themselves, scared to take the next step in your life because you want support, want to feel supported, before you can do it.
And you know what else? You might be none of those descriptions. You might just be you.
At the end of the day, as submissives, one thing is true for all of us. Our submission, the moment when we let go and turn control over to our Dominants, is a beautiful, relaxing moment. It’s that instant when no matter what your brain has been saying – it shuts up. All that matters is obeying, and we all get the same tingling thrill when we obey, when we submit, and we make them happy.
What if my Dom disagrees?
If you have a Dom in your life that wants you to quit your job, wants you to be less than you’re capable of being or want to be, then that is not a good Dom. If they are criticizing you for wanting to succeed, or putting you down when you talk about it – that’s not them being dominant, that’s them being an asshole. Submission does not mean you’re not allowed to be amazing in your own right. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have your own life, your own job, your own goals – and be phenomenal.
I’m lucky that my Dom loves my over-achieving, psycho, Type-A nature. He loves to hear about me killing it in a meeting at work, or on a project. He cheers me on when I pull out some insane word count over a weekend (even if that word count meant we didn’t get to see each other). He supports me when it comes to family stuff, and sometimes he pulls the Dom card when it comes to helping me be successful. I have a bedtime during the work week, and I have to call him every night so he can make sure I’m going to bed and not writing until 2am (which I would totally do). He tells me that I have to take care of myself, lectures me when I over-commit in my writing, or say “yes” to too many things at work. He would never tell me what to do when it comes to either of my jobs, but he will discuss them with me, and I’ve earned a few swats before because I didn’t think of my own health and sanity before taking on something new.
The way BDSM relationships work are unique to each and every couple. The best part of it is that we make our own rules, we set our own limits, we negotiate and we work together. But a BDSM relationship should never hold you back from succeeding outside of the playroom.
So, can you be Type-A and submissive?
Abso-fucking-lutely. You can be whoever you are right now and be submissive. And you know what, lovelies? That’s just one more thing that makes the BDSM community even more amazing.
PS – Happy New Year, lovelies! I hope this year is amazing for each and every one of you!