We’re back with another Ask Me Anything post, the first of the new year, so Happy 2017 everyone! Today, I’m talking about a concept that I think a lot of people have concerns about when it comes to BDSM. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
Q: Can you be Type-A and submissive?
A: Alright, lovelies, I’ll be honest that this question wasn’t directly asked to me, but was actually a suggested topic from my amazing friend Livia Grant after we were talking about some concerning language we’d heard from people getting involved in BDSM about what makes someone submissive or not.
There seems to be a belief out there that someone who is submissive should “act” like a submissive all the time. Meaning they’re meek, and quiet, and say “Yes, sir” even at work. They’re bumbling and shy like Anastasia Steele from 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve even heard/seen ranting posts from submissives in the community who think that this is the only way to be a REAL submissive, as if there are some secret guidelines that only the legitimate members of the BDSM community get, and if you’re not behaving the way they imagine a submissive should – then you’re out of the proverbial club.
It’s fucking ridiculous.
Being submissive is a personality trait, it’s a kink, it’s tied into romantic relationships and sexual gratification and while it is absolutely part of what defines you, it is not everything that defines you.
I’m with the most dominant, alpha-male, sadistic Dom I’ve ever been with in my entire life. He likes high protocol. When I’m in his house I don’t wear clothes, I don’t sit on furniture without permission, I say “Yes, sir” or “No, sir” when I respond or I get slapped (don’t freak out, we’re into that, it’s hot to me). I sleep with a chain collar, literally chained to his bed when we go to sleep (so fucking hot). Seriously, he is my Dominant when I am in his house (or wherever we choose to play), and I respect him as such. I do what he says, I obey like the good little trademark submissive following all the guidelines.
But you know what I also do?
I have a full-time job where I make pretty good money. On top of my day job, I write books (obviously) and this takes a fuck of a lot of time. It’s happened more than once that he has wanted me at his house to play, and I’ve had to explain that one of my deadlines wouldn’t make that possible. I’m also intelligent, and when we’re not actively playing we have full-out debates on global politics, books, history, and a myriad of other topics – and he adores this about me. He loves it when I argue with him, because he likes the challenge, he likes how smart I am and how I can go from letting him tie me down to the spanking bench one minute and then the next be telling him he’s wrong at the kitchen table. I have actually WON ARGUMENTS with my Dom!
In addition to all of that – I have family obligations as well. I have friends. I have an entire fucking life outside of my Dom, where he is just one wonderful part of it.
To some people, that makes me a terrible submissive.
Putting others before my Dom? Putting myself before my Dom? Not being some mute, naked slave girl in the corner? THE SHAME!
The BDSM police are going to come and take my sub card away and shred it before my very eyes!!
There’s just one teensy little issue with those beliefs about submissives… I’m a sub, yes, but I’m also a person. I was a person before I even thought about BDSM. I am Type-A in the by-the-book kind of way, it’s the way my brain was wired in the same way my brain was wired to be a masochist. I’m an overachiever, and I always have been. I take on way too much and then kill myself to get it all done. (writing 3 books in 2 1/2 months is an example of this insanity) I want to be successful at my day job, it matters to me to be successful. I want to succeed in writing as well – not just because it makes me happy to write – but also because it is a job to me, and I want to do well. I have a BA and two Master’s degrees because of this overachieving craziness. I earned a certification for work in November just because I wanted to kill myself studying for three months so I could have it. I’m not someone who depends on people. I take pride in my ability to stand on my own two feet, pay my bills, do the things I want to do, and be successful – and that? That doesn’t fit in with the traditional tropes in BDSM books.
If we were to look at some of the more popular books in the genre, we’d see that I should be directionless, lost, in need of a strong male hand to guide me towards success. It wouldn’t be that I was stupid, it would just be that I’m not driven enough to use my intelligence. And you know what? Those people exist too in the world. There are amazingly smart people who just don’t know what to do next, and having someone in their lives to guide them is just what they need. But they are not the only version of a submissive. There is no right way to be submissive, and I guess that’s really what I want to get across in this post…
Whoever you are, if you are submissive, you’re doing it right.
You can be the most bad ass bitch in the office. The corporate ball-buster. The person everyone in your life goes to so you can help solve their problems because you always have your shit together, and you are the glue that keeps the world from falling apart.
You might be the person who is quiet, unsure of themselves, scared to take the next step in your life because you want support, want to feel supported, before you can do it.
And you know what else? You might be none of those descriptions. You might just be you.
At the end of the day, as submissives, one thing is true for all of us. Our submission, the moment when we let go and turn control over to our Dominants, is a beautiful, relaxing moment. It’s that instant when no matter what your brain has been saying – it shuts up. All that matters is obeying, and we all get the same tingling thrill when we obey, when we submit, and we make them happy.
What if my Dom disagrees?
If you have a Dom in your life that wants you to quit your job, wants you to be less than you’re capable of being or want to be, then that is not a good Dom. If they are criticizing you for wanting to succeed, or putting you down when you talk about it – that’s not them being dominant, that’s them being an asshole. Submission does not mean you’re not allowed to be amazing in your own right. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have your own life, your own job, your own goals – and be phenomenal.
I’m lucky that my Dom loves my over-achieving, psycho, Type-A nature. He loves to hear about me killing it in a meeting at work, or on a project. He cheers me on when I pull out some insane word count over a weekend (even if that word count meant we didn’t get to see each other). He supports me when it comes to family stuff, and sometimes he pulls the Dom card when it comes to helping me be successful. I have a bedtime during the work week, and I have to call him every night so he can make sure I’m going to bed and not writing until 2am (which I would totally do). He tells me that I have to take care of myself, lectures me when I over-commit in my writing, or say “yes” to too many things at work. He would never tell me what to do when it comes to either of my jobs, but he will discuss them with me, and I’ve earned a few swats before because I didn’t think of my own health and sanity before taking on something new.
The way BDSM relationships work are unique to each and every couple. The best part of it is that we make our own rules, we set our own limits, we negotiate and we work together. But a BDSM relationship should never hold you back from succeeding outside of the playroom.
So, can you be Type-A and submissive?
Abso-fucking-lutely. You can be whoever you are right now and be submissive. And you know what, lovelies? That’s just one more thing that makes the BDSM community even more amazing.
PS – Happy New Year, lovelies! I hope this year is amazing for each and every one of you!
I can’t tell you how much I love this post! I have wanted to get into the whole BDSM world for a very long time as I am very naturally submissive in certain areas of my life and in other areas such as work, there is no fucking way I would let anyone hold me back. My soon to be ex husband never understood my desires and never will. I am looking forward to this new year and maybe having the opportunity to explore this world with someone who is truly willing to explore it with me. Thank you for these weekly posts. They are wonderful and very informative.
I am so damn proud of you for standing up for yourself! We all have aspects of our life where we need to be in control of it, and when we’re submissive there’s also this need to let go of that control so we can relax. I really hope these posts keep helping, and if you ever have a question PLEASE message me! It might even help me out with a topic for the AMA one week! <3 Good luck this year, lovely! You deserve happiness!
Thank you! This year is about making myself happy I have decided! I am going to be selfish about it too. I will make sure that my daughter is well cared for and happy, but I am going to do what makes me happy too!
I did the same thing when I divorced and left with my daughter! I put myself first, and it’s wonderful. ^_^
So much this. As a Type A as well, I had a hard time accepting that I had submissive tendencies because that isn’t how submissives were and I didn’t have a “dom” partner. I happened upon some stories and blogs and realized I didn’t have to be a full time submissive nor have a full time dominant to be part of it and after a lot of courage, tried it out and am extremely disappointed that I didn’t do this 10 years ago. 4 years and counting Type A Submissive!
YESSSSSS! That’s my girl! <3 I am so proud of you, because the first step is the hardest. You’re a boss-ass-bitch and a sexy sub at the same time!
I’ve gotten comments on my books that my characters aren’t submissive enough because they have a business and direct their own lives. I appreciate your pointing out that we submissive are often not doormats.
I wish more people agreed with the possibility of being a strong person AND a submissive. It’s something I wish appeared more often! <3
I love to be independent & live my own life, but it really is relaxing when someone else takes control for a while. It’s the perfect balance for me.
I’m the same way!! ^_^
Oh my goodness. It was like this was written for me. I am naturally submissive to men that I respect and love, on the other hand I am in charge and dominate every other aspect of my life including my business. I find it very hard to meet men for dating bc I am so independent but what they don’t know is that I thrive off of serving and pleasing my
Master. How do I go about meeting someone for a LTR?
I write about this on an another AMA for getting into the lifestyle, and in it I recommend creating an account on fetlife.com. Definitely go read that one and be careful and take care of yourself! Even us Type-A types deserve some BDSM fun, and it’s really relaxing to submit! <3
I know I’m a little late to the party but I have some questions. I know I’m a type-a person who loves being a sub. My main issue I’m having though I guess is I want to be more submissive to my Daddy without seeming to lose what makes me well me. We haven’t done any sort of contra t or anything. When we’re in private he punishes me when I don’t behave and recently when I’m really acting out in public he’ll wait until we get home and explain. what I did wrong before I get spanked. I think the reason I act out is I don’t want to feel like in loosing (?) myself in making him happy. I know that when I’m with him I want his needs met before mine but i also know that I have so many questions. I guess mainly I want to make sure I’m not making a big deal out of nothing or if it’s just my natural bratty little self coming out. I dont want to ruin it when we get my collar in a few weeks. Which is another hot topic for me. Anyway have a good day and thank you.
I am SO sorry I didn’t reply to this sooner, lovely. Last year was very hard for me, but I want to make sure you understand that however you’re showing up in your dynamic is absolutely okay if you’re BOTH on board with it. If he doesn’t like it, you can discuss it. If you don’t like being a “brat”, you can discuss it. But maintaining your sense of self outside of the bedroom is important, and when you’re just hanging out (outside of a scene) things are going to be different and feel different. Unless you’re in a 24/7 dynamic, but that doesn’t sound like what you’re looking for. Just remember that even if you are a bit of a brat, he’s clearly into that because he’s still around!
Thank you for this. We are semi new to our sub dom marriage. I am a very strong personality, business owner, momma, and community volunteer and haven’t found an article that led me to feeling our approach was “right”. But it is sooo good for us. We are so happy and secure but a tiny part of me thought we were doing it wrong.
Thank you again
Sorry for the late response, lovely, but I am SO happy that you found this article. There is no “right answer” in BDSM, and however it’s working for you is absolutely the right way for you. Long-distance high five for being another Type-A submissive!
This article describes my sub perfectly. She’s a high power business woman and an amazing single mom.
It’s taken alot of communication and compromises on both our parts in regards to expectations.
How I thought a submissive should act and how a DS relationship “should” be has definitely been challenged.
We’ve come to define what our relationship means for us outside of others’ definitions.
Being with a strong willed sub is definitely challenging but I wouldn’t change who she is for anything
Everyone makes their own definitions in the lifestyle and there is no “one true way!” I’m so glad you and your sub have come to your own definitions, and it sounds like you’re a great dom too. :)