Ask Me Anything: 24 Hours of Kink Summary Post!

Feb 19, 2017 | Ask Me Anything | 3 comments

Today’s #AskMeAnything is a collection of all the quick & dirty Ask Me Anything questions that happened during the very fun 24 Hours of Kink FB event his weekend! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.

Q: I tossed out my Ask Me Anything during my takeover time in the 24 Hours of Kink FB event and this is what happened…

A: …

Where’s the craziest/strangest place you’ve had sex? (Asked twice!)

The stacks (upper levels) of my college library… ^_^ or the Jægersborg Dyrehave (public hiking forest/park) in Denmark! I’ve gotta go with the Jægersborg Dyrehave in Denmark, because my Dom tied me nude to a tree, whipped me, and then pulled me down and face-fucked me and then we had sex. It was … MORE than possible that someone would come to our area of the forest, but we hiked 5 miles out and into a dip in the land to find a spot to play. He was born in Denmark and it had been a fantasy of his, so when we went about a year ago it was his wishlist item. Aaaaand we checked it off. ;p

What is on Jennifer Bene’s hard list?

Pictures/video without permission, ATM (anal-to-mouth) or ATV (anal-to-vaginal), scat play, no marks I can’t cover with day job clothes, and no calling me “wench”. (It’s obscenely short).

When did you know this lifestyle was for you?

I’m one of those people who always wanted it before I even knew it was a thing, or that it had a name. Sort of stumbled into the “real” words for it in college with my first “Dom” at 19 and we learned together by searching on the ancient internet (AOL!).

How did you realize you were a masochistic? Into the bdsm scene?

Honestly, I liked the stuff before I ever had a name for it, I was playing rough and with pain and bondage play before I even knew there were names for that stuff. When I finally got introduced to BDSM as a “thing” I looked over the terms and was like “Oh! That’s me!” lol

How do I know if this BDSM stuff is for me? I’m trying to figure out if I’d like to try stuff or if I just like reading about it… lol

Hmmm, that’s something only you can know. Trying out some elements of the play that arouse you in your head (in a safe environment, with a safe word, etc, etc) is the only real way to find out. I love *reading* about breath play, but when my Dom and I do it in real life there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll have a panic attack. I never thought I’d be okay with watersports, and I totally am. We don’t know until we try, but when we DO try, we have to listen to our gut and let that make the decision about whether it’s right for us or not.

What kink haven’t you written about that you would like to?

Watersports! I’ve wanted to work it into a story but I haven’t been able to yet and (of course) freaking Addison Cain and Livia Grant beat me to it! #jealous

What (as someone who has been in the lifestyle so long) is one of your pet peeves about new/novice bdsm writers?

LOL! I wrote an entire #AskMeAnything about it riiiiight over here. https://jenniferbene.com/…/ask-me-anything-what-are…/

How did you meet your Dom?

We met on a BDSM meet-up/dating website called Fetlife. com and we met for the first time at our local club (public place, I had a safe call and a picture of his driver’s license, etc). We played at the club and both sort of realized that we were a good match. He’s a major sadist, I’m a major masochist, and we just fit. ^_^
I wrote about smart tips for getting into the scene over here… https://jenniferbene.com/…/ask-me-anything-how-do-i…/

How long do you usually stay with a Dom? How long before you trust him?

The timeline with someone wavers a lot, and trust is something that is earned. If I scene hard with someone (like I did with my current Dom) early on, and he handles himself, and me, well – then I’m more likely to trust him. Someone who wavers and is shy or nervous, I’m way less likely to trust because once I hit subspace in a scene I won’t be capable of making smart decisions about myself – so the result is I *don’t* let go with those Doms and I eventually stop seeing them.

I’m honestly very surprised I’m still with the Dom I am now, but he’s very accepting of who I am. Neither of us are monogamous (which is what I need, it took him a bit to adjust to it), we’re not romantic… well, just read this: https://jenniferbene.com/…/ask-me-anything-what-kind…/

What genre would you love to write but don’t feel you would do justice too?

I would really love to write high fantasy. I have the first chapter of this awesome book about wizards and magic in the old style where the main character slowly gathers together his party and then takes on the big bad to win the day and free the lands – but I wouldn’t have a developed audience for it and it would take me a LONG time to write. My DnD and ren faire friends want me to write that because they don’t read my erotica, but … maybe someday if I’m ever able to quit the day job? lol

What do/have you written into your books that you don’t care for? Character trait? Something cliche you feel you have to add?

The really sweet moments of my books, the sappy lovey moments, are hard to write for me because those are things I don’t enjoy in real life. I struggle to write them even though I know the story needs them, my characters even *want* them, but that’s when I have to take myself out of the situation and write what needs to be written for the book. I’m sure it’s similar to how more well-adjusted “normal” authors feel about writing horrific violence. LOL

Aaaaaaand, that’s all folks!

I had so much fun answering questions, even though Facebook literally banned me from posting/commenting TWICE during the weekend without any kind of warning. I’m thinking the huge number of takeovers in the last week to celebrate Black Light: Valentine Roulette bothered the FB gods… haha. Anyway, I loved answering these questions and wanted to collect this fun, quick and dirty Q&A together for those who may not have been able to attend (or check back in with as many posts as there were!).

Thank you lovelies for always supporting me, there’s so much fun to come this year and we’re just getting started! <3

Ask Me Anything: Do you have any tips on anal training?

Feb 12, 2017 | Ask Me Anything | 4 comments

Today’s #AskMeAnything comes from a conversation with a friend of mine who has finally convinced her husband to try anal sex. That’s right, plenty of women want to try it, but their partner is the one who is nervous! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.

Q: Do you have any tips on anal training?

A: Well, yes, I do, and this post is going to be super long because of it. The main thing with anal sex is that everything is about preparation and thinking ahead. Vaginal sex can be spontaneous and wild and crazy, but to be quite blunt – spontaneous when it comes to anal can lead to some very messy and unpleasant surprises. However! That’s what this post is all about, and I’m going to share some of my favorite anal prep & training items that you might want to try. The links are all NSFW (not safe for work) and should only be opened where no one is going to be peeking over your shoulder. ^_^

What do you mean by prep?

First, I mean getting yourself clean down there, and I mean really clean. We all know what butts are generally for, and (unless that’s part of your kink) most of us don’t want to deal with poop. Now, even if you use an enema, and clean, there’s still going to be some clean-up required after anal sex, and sometimes things just happen, but preparing is the best way to avoid nightmare situations.

Getting down to basics, an enema is basically flushing some warm, clean water up into your bowels, letting it sit for a bit, and then letting it go. If you read a lot of BDSM/humiliation stories you may have come across this as a sort of punishment, but I promise that a normal enema isn’t really unpleasant… more just awkward. It’s the addition of things that can make an enema a punishment (like lemon juice, cold water instead of warm, or diuretic things like epsom salt). My favorite one (used by my gay best friend, and many of his gay friends, and they swear by it for bottoming) is this: Beauty Molly Superior Medical Materials Enema Bulb. It’s $8 and can hold enough liquid to do the job and is SO easy to clean – and it’s medical grade. The things you can get at your local sex shop aren’t always the best materials, and some of them are just scary when you consider their sources, but this is a good one.

But how do you do an enema?

Easy. You’ll want some lubricant, I highly recommend KY Liquid Water-based Lubricant. Get a teensy bit on your finger and swirl around the anus, then dip the finger just inside. Wash your hands, get the water warm (NOT HOT) and fill the enema bulb. You’ll have to take out the spout for this part so it’s easier. Then when it’s full, replace the spout, get on your hands and knees on the bathroom floor (definitely bring your phone/book for entertainment) and insert the tip all the way in. Squeeze the bulb to push all the water in, pull it out, toss it in the sink to wash later, and then stay on your knees but put one shoulder to the floor. This is uncomfortable, but necessary to have gravity assist in washing the water up through your bowels. I usually set a 20 minute timer, and then wait – but if you feel “urgency” before the end of the 20 minutes, and you can’t wait, get up and release on the toilet. There will be some mild cramping, and sometimes some fleeting moments of urgency, but if they pass when you take some deep breaths, you’re fine.

This is one of those times where rinse & repeat isn’t just a suggestion, if the water is really cloudy/dirty you’ll probably want to do a second round, but a 2nd round doesn’t take as long. Maybe 5 – 10 mins. Then hop in the shower, and get all squeaky clean. Use some body-friendly soaps like Summer’s Eve Sensitive Cleansing Wash to clean yourself with. In the shower you’ll want to wash the whole downstairs shabang, and normal soap can be drying and irritating – definitely not what you want before sex of ANY kind. Also, side note, the summer’s eve wash is great for post-sex too because the whole chemical balance can get knocked off and this helps.

What about the actual anal training?

Let’s be honest, you want your anus to be tight. If it were really loose you wouldn’t be able to hold in much of anything, and it is because it’s so tight that anal sex can be a bit painful without the right prep (& also why many men enjoy it so much!). So, warming yourself to the idea of anything going up there takes a bit of time. I always suggest grabbing some lubricant and trying it in shower first. Turn off the water, kneel down or crouch down, get some lube and start out with one finger, then two. Trust me, you will want to know what this feels like before someone else does it first. It gives you time to ease into it, work your way up. Once you’ve done your fingers, you can “graduate” to larger items. Let’s talk about those options…

Staged dildos – There are about a million varieties on the internet for these, but for these I prefer something a little “softer” for first starting out. This set on Adam & Eve are nice, although the small and medium are MORE than enough, the large is a pretty big step-up for anal play and unless your partner is larger than the “large” I’d maybe set that one aside for vaginal play. These are nice in my opinion because you have something to hold on to and really control the insertion, but they still have a solid enough base not to “lose” them. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re not aware, your body will most definitely take something through your anus and not give it back without a lot of help if it doesn’t have a base. This is why people end up in the ER with funny stories because they tried to use something that was not meant for anal play.

Staged butt plugs – Also, a million varieties here, but the cool thing about butt plugs is you can wear them for extended periods to get used to the feeling of something inside you. For actual anal training, I still recommend the dildos because you have more length at a standard width to get used to the stretch vs. a butt plug that has a certain “flare” point, and then it goes down to the much, much smaller section just above the base. Butt plugs are also more challenging for beginners because they get wider faster. These are a great option for plugs because not only are they cute with their multitude of options for the “gem” on the base, there is also a really small one for when you’re just starting out, and then another one that is still not very big. The 2nd one in the set I linked is closer to the actual width for men. Of course, there are much, much bigger dildos / butt plugs / etc out there for if you want to get really adventurous, but I find that these do well.

For both of the above options I recommend patience. Work with them ON YOUR OWN at first so you can control the speed of entry. You can take a break if it’s too big, and stop if you’re not ready for that size yet. The shower is the best spot for this because you can instantly clean off, you just want to make sure that the water isn’t running all over you because you don’t want to wash the lube away.

Lube + patience = fun anal play. No lube and/or no patience = not fun.

That is true for both prep, and for anal sex. Being clean and warmed up before anal sex will make it a lot more fun to do the actual deed (just don’t use TOO much lube, or that won’t be fun either). Having your partner involved in the warm up can be hot! Let him open you up with his fingers, have him talk dirty to you. Nothing is better than being on your knees on the bed, or bent over the side of it with your legs spread, and having him call you a “dirty girl” or have him tell you in explicit detail how he’s going to use you / take your ass / etc. We see it all the time in erotica, and it’s hot for a fucking reason! There’s nothing better than slipping into a mindset as you get warmed up from fingers and/or toys before he fucks you.

For actual anal sex there’s a lot of positions, and you can try as many as you like. On your stomach, on your knees, in a kneel (where your legs are under you, or slightly wider than you, but your chest is down on the bed), etc. You’ll need to figure out what is best for your body type, and you + your partner. It sounds odd but pushing out when they start to insert will actually help. Clenching will hurt, tightening down will hurt. Deep breaths, open up, push out, let them in.

But, what does it feel like?

Aaaaand here’s where we go back to the tried and true of everything when it comes to sex. What feels good for some, may not feel good for others! I get off from being caned, for others that would be an instant safeword! Some women absolutely love anal sex. Their nerve-endings are in the right spots, they are wired in the right way physically to get a LOT of pleasure from it. Others get off on the submission of it (this is totally me) and enjoy it because of the act itself, and all of the dirty talk. Some women just don’t get anything from it. Sorry! But it’s true. Just like every other kinky, sexual thing, some things just aren’t for everyone and it won’t matter how much prep / warm-up you get, if you’re not wired right for it, you may not ever like it.

Trying something new is always scary, and that’s normal. This is something really cool to try, that has a lot of great resources out there, and there’s probably more support around you for tips + tricks than you even know. I’ve captured a HANDFUL of ideas here, and I know there’s a million more. This was the absolute basics of anal training / anal play / anal sex.

What happens… after?

Afterwards, you’ll need to clean up. A shower is best, soap and a wet cloth to wipe off a minimum for both of you. No matter how clean you are, there is still plenty of bacteria in the backdoor of the funhouse to cause trouble, so BOTH parties should clean up. FYI: Going anal to vaginal, or anal to oral are both recipes for infections. Some people still do it, and that’s their choice, but it’s a recipe for a yeast infection at the minimum and much worse things at the other end of the spectrum, so I’m going to state it here that I don’t recommend it. You’ll also more than likely have some air up there that will need to come out at some point, so just be prepared for it. If there wasn’t a condom involved, you’re going to have to let the semen out at some point too! These are all the things that don’t show up in porn, by the way, because they’re the not as fun after work of sexy time.

So, should I try it?

That, lovelies, is up to you. The best part of this is you can order this stuff for yourself, try it out, and see how you feel. Watch some anal porn, read some hot & kinky books with anal play in them, get yourself wound up with the idea that anal can be fun and sexy and fabulous. THEN go forth and try it. Chat with your friends to see if they’ve done it, get some tips + tricks from your gay besties (he’s been my anal 101 guide since we were seventeen! LOL). Either way, whether you like it or not, anal is just another way to experience sex with your partner, and there’s no reason to run from it until you’ve tried it and made the personal decision.

Just remember to go slow, be patient, use a reasonable amount of lube, and relax into it. Enjoy it. Talk dirty. Play out some inner fantasy and HAVE FUN.

I do hope this helps, lovelies, because it’s definitely a topic we want to ask questions about, but often get too embarrassed to actually go out and ask, however anal is one place where knowledge really is power – and I hope this has empowered each and every one of you.

Until next week!

PS – My #AskMeAnything series was referenced in an article on Simply Pleasure on Friday where they linked to my AMA on sub drop! So exciting! Check it out if you get a minute. ^_^ http://www.simplypleasure.com/blog/beginners-guide-bdsm/

Ask Me Anything: Author Star of the Week for Spanking Romance

Feb 5, 2017 | Ask Me Anything | 2 comments

For a variety of reasons, today’s post isn’t a question. 1) No one asked me any this week! What’s up guys? 2) Between my mom being in the hospital and getting ‘Black Light: Valentine Roulette’ ready for ARC release, I was pretty insanely busy. And 3) I did get asked something this week, but it was to fill out an interview sheet for Amelia Smarts! The Spanking Romance group selected me as their Author Star of the Week, and I was very excited to be chosen! ^_^ Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.

Q: Can you tell the members of Spanking Romance a little about yourself?

A: Absolutely! Below is the interview I filled out for the Facebook group. It’s closed, but feel free to request to join over here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/spank234/!

Ask Me Anything: There’s no “right” answer in BDSM!

Jan 29, 2017 | Ask Me Anything

Today’s #AskMeAnything is more of a rant because a question was asked in a submissives group I’m a part of on Facebook and some of the most horrible answers were provided to this struggling submissive who had been looking for guidance in how to express her frustration with going months and months without sex. While that part of the post was bothersome enough, some of the incredibly dangerous responses I saw ticked me off to no end. Therefore, I wrote this. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.

Q: This isn’t really a question, but let me make something clear to everyone in the community. There’s no “right” answer in BDSM!  

A: Earlier this week I was involved in the most infuriating, hours long, asynchronous argument with a woman who said she is involved in a Master/slave relationship with her husband, and has been for a long time. Over several posts she repeatedly told the original poster, me, and the general population of the group that if someone chooses to call themselves a slave they have zero right to express concerns.

I pulled the mental emergency break RIGHT THERE.

Look, I’m not going to rehash the mind-numbing, rage-inducing discussion we had, but I am going to rant a little on the dangerous behavior exhibited here. First things first, just because YOU choose a term for your relationship, and YOU negotiate guidelines for that relationship with your partner, does not mean you wrote a rule for the entire community. As long as you are safe, sane, consensual, and both parties involved are adults – I don’t care what you do. I don’t care if you choose to call your dynamic HIGH OVERLORD OF EARTH/tiny ant of mediocrity and your main kink is getting covered in grape jelly on Tuesday nights. None of that matters to me. I will respect your use of that term, and your kinks, and your decisions, even if I choose to use the same titles in my relationship and they mean something else to me and my partner.

Someone else’s definition NEVER has to be your definition.

Each relationship within the BDSM community is unique. There are zero perfect copies from one to the other, whether we are going with Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, Daddy/little, etc. Everyone is beautifully different, and negotiations happen in all directions. Kinks take relationships in new directions, the boundaries of social requirements, work requirements, etc. can change things. And that is completely okay! Just because something works like a magical cure-all in your relationship, does not mean it works for others, and to TELL others how to feel/act/etc is so dangerous and irresponsible that it makes me see red.

You can absolutely set boundaries in your relationship where you’re not allowed to voice complaints. You can make it so that no matter what is commanded, you say “Yes, Master.” You and your partner (regardless of what title you agree on) can decide to set just about any magical rule for your relationship that you would like. For me? I make my Dom’s coffee for him whether we’re at a nice dinner, or in his house. It’s just a rule. For some people, that would be silly, for us it works. Now, just because I’m a sub, and he’s a Dom, I do not expect everyone else that uses those terms to suddenly have a coffee guideline to their relationship for which they also wanted to use the Doxy wand original toy.

That would be ridiculous.

And that’s the point I’m trying to make. We have a D/s relationship. We have our own kinks and rules. And that’s how the whole thing works! YOU can set rules for you and your partner too, or have THEM set the rules and you agree to them, what-the-fuck-ever, but you don’t get to make it THE ONE RULE TO RULE THEM ALL for the entire community of kinksters across the planet, and you don’t get to look down your nose at those that don’t adhere to your rules like they are somehow a malformed, less-than-real submissive/slave/etc. Doing that just makes you a dick, whether you have one or not.

Now, if you go so far as to say you have no safeword within your dynamic, I’m going to respectfully suggest that you’ve sort of left the boundaries of BDSM and ventured into something else, because no safeword means your play is not safe, sane, and consensual. And telling others that THEY don’t get a safeword, or get a voice in general JUST BECAUSE you choose to call your partner Master, and he calls you slave, is fucking insane.

No one in the community gets to tell others what they can or can’t do within the BDSM kink.

You can have opinions. You can describe YOUR relationship and how well it works for YOU. But you don’t get to write the rule book on BDSM culture and pass it out to brand new subs like it’s iron-clad material from some secret bible of BDSM that only you have access to. Doing that would put far too many submissive women in serious danger to abusive and terrible men who might choose to call themselves a Master or a Dom. Telling others they have no right to speak up just because they’ve elected to identify as a sub or a slave is a recipe for trauma and disaster.

BDSM has a million different flavors, just like it has a million different couples in it. This concept is the whole reason that I write these ‘Ask Me Anything’ posts. I talk about my relationship, but I do my best to always remind you guys that it’s my POV. And I preach the basic tenants of good relationships regardless of kink. Communicate, communicate, communicate – & be safe. Be smart. Protect yourself.

To say anything else, to condemn or put down another sub because of your beliefs, is not just ridiculous – it’s cruel and pointlessly mean to people who we should be lifting up and supporting. We’re a fucking community for God’s sake, we get enough shit from the straight-laced vanilla crew, we don’t need to be tearing each other down, or insulting each other like we know better than the other on what gets them off or makes them happy.

Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

I think more people could use a refresher course on exactly what that means.

Ask Me Anything: When can I touch and hear your books?

Jan 22, 2017 | Ask Me Anything

It’s #AskMeAnything today and I’ve been receiving a variety of questions from all of you lovely readers around a central concept…

(Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.)

Q: When can we touch and hear your books?!

A: Honestly, nothing makes me happier than hearing how excited you guys are to get my books in paperback and in audio format. What most people don’t know (and I didn’t know before I started writing) is that each of those things takes a completely separate process, time, and usually an investment of money.

Currently, I have the Thalia trilogy, Of Fog and Fire, and Taken by the Enemy available in paperback. I’m currently working on getting Lethal Sin, Early Sins, Fae, and Tara into paperback. (Livia and I are also working on the Black Light series.) However, this will take a bit of time!

The only audiobook I have right now is Taken and that’s because my publisher chose to do that (I was not involved in the process) and so not only do I need to learn HOW to get books into audio format, then I need to actually do it.

I promise I’m working on it though, and it’s my big commitment to do it the first half of 2017!

There’s a ton of exciting announcements coming, some I can talk about, and some I can’t, but just know that this year is going to be amazing and I’m so glad to be in with all of you!!

Ask Me Anything: Even experienced subs can get surprised!

Jan 15, 2017 | Ask Me Anything | 4 comments

It’s Sunday, and that means Ask Me Anything day! I’m excited to share this post because I’m always giving advice on BDSM in the AMA posts and I think sometimes that gives the idea that I’m some super-sub that’s immune to making mistakes or doing stupid shit or completely freaking out, and I want to assure all of you that I am absolutely just as much of a mess as most of you. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.

Before we really dive into the topic for the Ask Me Anything today, I have to answer the question I’ve actually been getting the most via the website, email, and various social media. ‘Black Light: Exposed’ came out yesterday and it is book 2 in the Black Light series, unfortunately Amazon has yet to link the previous books on the book page so that readers can easily find Book 1. We think this is because Livia Grant wrote the prequel and book 1, so to make it easier we’ve added Author notes to the book pages, and I’m sharing it here as well.

• Infamous Love (Prequel) – Amazon
• Black Light: Rocked (Book 1) – Amazon
• Black Light: Exposed (Book 2) – Amazon

Okay, now that’s all done with… let’s get to it!

Q: Can experienced subs get surprised too?

A: I’ll be honest right now that this question is tailored from a few different comments/questions so that I could share this story, because I feel like it’s important. It’s been a week since the play session I had with my Dom last Saturday and the more time that passes the more clear I am about A) what went down, and B) how important it is to never assume you won’t get surprised by yourself / your body / your limits – no matter how long you’ve played.

So, what happened?

Well, I have had an incredibly stressful time of things lately. I decided it would be a good idea to have THREE books come out within 30 days of each other, and there’s always so much last-minute work before the book goes live, and then all the work of promoting and supporting the book. If that wasn’t enough, my mom is very sick (fuck cancer) and so I see her a couple of times a week to help out and keep her company. Then I’ve still got the day job, the Dom, and all my other obligations that I continue to make because I’m insane. So – I’ve developed some insomnia, and I’ve been on edge, and last Saturday my Dom knew what my little twisted masochist painslut brain/body needed… pain.

We played hard, but it’s definitely not the hardest we’ve ever played, or out of the norm. I was rope-tied into position on the spanking bench, including collared down, so there was really no way for me to struggle or break position. This is a gift because it lets me drop into whatever headspace I want without worrying I’m going to fall off the damn spanking bench if I get too relaxed. Bondage = free to drift, unbound = obedience of holding position and serving him by keeping myself there. Both are hot, but whenever he ties me down I know he’s doing it for me so that I don’t have to focus or think. He started off with a flogger, quickly ramped up to hard swats from it, then switched to his belt (which is my favorite), and I was riding the pain and feeling all that tension fading, and so he switched to a cane. Now, in a weird way I love canes. I love the insane feeling of the cane strike, the full heartbeat where my body doesn’t register anything, and then the incredibly sharp pain. It always spikes my adrenaline, dumps endorphins, and even though it hurts like hell I like the results.

And tied down, teetering on subspace, well, it all worked, but things kind of went haywire. Normally, it takes a lot to even make me cry, but after I came the first time during the caning something snapped and I started crying, and then as we continued, and he added a rubber flogger, I was sobbing, and it turned into this really intense cathartic thing. It honestly had nothing to do with the pain anymore, the pain had just unlocked all of this internal stuff and *poof* I was suddenly a sniffling, snotty, sobbing mess of a sub.

The Dom took me down, wrapped me up in a blanket (and him) and laid with me for a long time – but I couldn’t stop crying. I remember thinking in the moment how fucking weird it was, but I was so deep in my headspace that I couldn’t pull out. I am pretty sure I cried (in this quiet way where the tears just wouldn’t stop) for at least an hour or more, especially if I count the session time too. He made sure I was okay and made us dinner, etc. We ended up having fun later, but I spent a couple of days completely surprised / freaked out / concerned about how I’d reacted.

All I could think was – that isn’t me. I’m the insane masochist, I love pain, I don’t lose my shit.

Except, I had. Totally and completely. Fragile, weepy, crybaby style… and I’d done it in front of my alpha male, sadist, cool / calm / collected Dom. There were a couple of days where I panicked that I’d freaked him out (and many thanks to the lovely ladies in the subs group I’m a member of on Facebook for talking me off the ledge, I adore you guys). I had become so accustomed to handling anything he threw at me (except maybe take-down breath play…) that I had given myself a false sense of submissive badassery.

I’ve played for over a decade now (holy shit!) and I’ve done some crazy stuff, but it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d had 6 months of experience or thirty years of experience – I was an emotional mess under the surface, and there’s nothing like pain-based play to peel back the layers on what we’re trying to hide. While I didn’t want to admit to myself just how unsteady I was, I think he knew, and I think he was prepared. We haven’t talked in-depth about what happened (emotions make us squeamish 99% of the time), but when I brought it up he told me he had not been surprised in the least that I broke down. He told me he knows how much I have on my shoulders, how proud he was of me for taking the pain and letting it open me up, and that if I ever need to do that he wants to be the Dom that takes me there. (Our version of romance, hot, right?) Then he verified that I was okay now and shrugged it off.

And you know what? He’s right.

The whole point of the trust he and I have developed with each other is that we don’t just have mind-blowing sex, we’re also there when our kink serves other purposes than just bringing about an orgasm. BDSM does so much for both sides involved, too much for me to detail here, but I’d forgotten that one of the things it can do is give you a cathartic release when you’re a headcase. I’d become too used to how our sessions went. Pain > orgasms > rough sex > aftercare > food & alcohol. I’d become too confident in my ability to handle my emotions, to keep myself controlled and calm, and last Saturday I got the wake up call and reminder that… even experienced subs can get surprised.

Moral of the story?

I have to remember that even with 12’ish years of experience, a long list of kinks and implements I’ve tried, and some really fun sexual experiences in my history book – my body, my brain, and my emotions are still human. Which means things can change, situations can change things, and I have to give myself a little lee-way in the expectations I hold myself to. No super-sub complexes.

And that means all of you need to do the same! None of us are immune to surprises from our experiences, and I think we all deserve a little grace and a little self-forgiveness.