Look! It’s another #AskMeAnything and I’m actually very excited about today’s topic. Mostly because I get asked questions a lot that have to do with the Dom/Domme perspective on things, and while I can give what I’ve heard or been told or “my opinion”… really the best answer is just to ask an actual dominant. SO! While I’m waiting for my Dom to be willing to post something (he said maybe) I thought it would be REALLY cool to share this guest post from a woman named Mary Wyman who is a Domme and has some great stuff to share with all of us! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!
PS – I was invited to participate in an AMA event on amafeed.com this week on the 24th! Make sure to RSVP so you don’t miss out!
Q: What’s it like to be a Domme? What would you share about it? (guest post)
I am Mary, I am 53 years old, and I am a military service veteran. I have two grown children; my oldest is a veteran himself. My daughter is married to a former marine. I also have two grandchildren and one child who is special needs and a child of my heart. (His dad, my ex, died and the child considers me his mom. I am the only mom he knows.) His sister, my daughter, has custody.
I was asked to give insight into what it’s like to be a Domme, and share a bit about me, so here it goes.
How did you get started in BDSM?
When I was in High School I was really naïve. I had heard sexual words and phrases but I didn’t even know what they meant. I had two very surprised friends explain to me what the term “blow job” meant. I had thought it was literal. You blow on it. Once they stopped laughing they kindly explained that it was not what I thought it was. Needless to say it was several years before I even learned that BDSM was a real thing and not something made up for the porn industry.
I did what I always do when I want to learn something new. I went to research it. Thank goodness for the internet and chat rooms. My first BDSM websites I went to were a treasure trove of excellent information and people who were willing to share their knowledge with me. So a huge step in learning about BDSM is doing the research. BDSMlibrary.com and Fetlife.com became my go to websites for the first few months. From there I went to my first munches, demonstrations, parties, Dom/sub talks in the local community. I eventually attended events in other cities and found a rather close knit international community online as well. There is even a good deal of information on SecondLife where you can attend informational classes on domination, submission, and munches or talks just for dominants or sub only, and even switches (for people who see and feel both sides of the Dom/sub coin, as it were).
How did you go from being a sub to a dominant?
When I first started in the lifestyle, I found I was more curious than wanting to experience one side or the other. I experimented and observed for a good six months or more before getting my feet wet. From the beginning it was a lot of research, like every day for several months before ever doing a scene with anyone. I first tried bottoming to a sadist. It is probably not the best thing to start out as. But as things go, I learned a lot especially what I do not like, and what I will and will not accept.
Even with all of the research I had done, I still managed to do some very risky things, like accepting actions that went past what was agreed to in a scene. I was new and thinking it was just a little past our agreed to level of intensity and level of pain. It took me a while to find my footing and what I would and would not allow. After the first time, the next several times were within boundaries… but just barely. After the third time of him going beyond agreement, I wouldn’t see him again. He did not learn and did that to two other people that I know about. It got to the point where none of the submissives/bottoms would accept to play or scene with him and he eventually left the group.
I tried being a submissive for a time and even learned the difference between sub and slave, it is not very clear when you are “told” about it, or at least it wasn’t for me. I had to experience it for myself. I had a Dominant for several months. We explored the different types of submission, even being a Little, which involves age play (just a side note here, age play is not about pedophilia or molestation), I also explored things like edge play, kidnap roleplay, bondage and restraints, humiliation and pet play to name but a few.
After a short break, I tried being a slave for a Master, not just a BDSM style slave but also a lifestyle Gorean slave. Many people disagree about BDSM vs Gorean lifestylers, for me I refer to it as being on the same tree but on a different branch.
It wasn’t long before I figured out that I wasn’t really cut out to be a submissive or a slave. I kept trying to “top from the bottom” but not in a sense that I was trying to be “bratty” to get my way. It was just more in my nature to nurture and be in charge.
So for a time I found a submissive of my own. My first submissive was long distance and online and we used to do a lot of live video. He was a great sub and we ended our relationship on good terms. He wasn’t confident at subbing in real life, face to face and had wanted some time to feel what it was like without being “out” as it were. And I was in the same kind of mindset only as a female dominant, as there are very few in my region, much less city. Then I found a sub through FetLife and met up at a public place to do our first face to face meet. We tried for a three month contract, it wasn’t a long relationship, as his wants and needs and my wants and needs didn’t quite line up. He was more into play partners and scenes, and mine were more lifestyle and longer commitment.
What is different about being a Domme?
Many people I meet think that I am just “play acting” as a dominant because of my background being a submissive. But some of the best dominants and masters I know started that way. Not every male is going to be dominant and not every female is going to be a submissive. There are females who just cannot tolerate someone trying to put them into that role. There are some females that just have to be in charge. For me it is more about taking care of someone, finding out what they need. In reality there is no difference in being a Domme (or female dominant) than there is in being a male one… other than gender.
How do you find play partners?
Finding a partner can be a bit tricky sometimes. I don’t mind doing a scene once in a while. But mostly it is more lifestyle for me. I won’t do casual play and I won’t even consider a scene unless I have talked and observed a potential for at least six months. I am always on the safe side, using public meeting places or parties with my local group.
Everyone in the group has undergone a criminal background check and referral. In this day and age no one can be too careful. It is always stressed and stressed again for submissives to be extremely careful. But in reality it is everyone who needs to be extremely careful. Have fun but put your safety first. Use a safety net. Let two or three people know where and who you are going to be with. I found a few people on Fetlife to meet up with and just because I am a dominant doesn’t mean there couldn’t be some sicko just itching to take a Domme down a peg or worse. Even males need to be careful, a drug slipped in a drink can knock him out as well as it would a female. Chains and restraints hold men as securely as they do a female.
What is your favourite thing to do as a dominant/top?
I like the mental aspect of being a top or dominant. Finding out how a submissive thinks, or how they feel about something. Do they like to be tied up or does it affect them more to be commanded not to move? Helping them grow and become confident in who they are or want to be, seeing them progress to that next great achievement.
I can be quite sadistic or extremely sensual. It is really dependent on the individual submissive or bottom. It is quite exhilarating to get a submissive who revels in their submission and will just kneel at your feet because it is their joy and they feel as if the sense of submission they are experiencing is going to explode out of them because it is not a cup overflowing so much as it is a nuclear explosion. It is a very powerful and heady thing to realize you helped them grow and understand that about themselves.
Researching implements before using them?
There are always ways to keep learning in this lifestyle. One of things I find most important to do is to research play/punishment implements and ideas before using them. Whether it is an idea on trying something new or an implement itself it is very important to get a very thorough understanding of it before trying it out.
Whether I am thinking about treating a submissive/bottom as an object or using a new implement on them for some kind of impact play or sensual play or punishment or whatever. I will first bring the idea up and we will talk about it, how they feel and think about it. Not just if they like or do not like the idea but have an in-depth informative discussion on the subject. And of course there is always researching through the internet, and information from others. Just watching someone use a bullwhip is not going to make you an expert on what it is like to use it or feel what it can do to your body. I will test it out on myself first. I will find someone who is not only knowledgeable but who has trained and become an expert in how to handle a bullwhip (on people not horses or cows, etc). I do the same for things like treating a sub as an object like a table or footrest.
I spoke with several people, submissives and dominants about puppy play, kitten play, and pony play. I went to several events and demonstrations with my submissive and he also did research before we ventured into that type of play. It worked out well for us and it had some surprising revelations as we got into it. He and I both thought he would be kind of puppy-like, but as it went on, we found he was very much more like a German Shepherd, bold strong and very dignified. It was very rewarding.
You could watch a video of someone laying stripes with a bamboo or rattan cane, but that is only the first step in learning about it. And you definitely would never want anyone to use one on you, or use one on your submissive, before learning how to use it properly. Some of these can and will do serious damage if not used properly. And not every person is going to be able to tolerate the same implement or idea. Just because submissive A can handle being spanked with a paddle or belt does not meant that submissive B will. The same can be said for things that are too intense, not just pain, but things that can cause pleasure, but can be too intense, like a Hitachi wand can push the boundaries over the limit from intense to way too much depending on how it is used.
The same can be said for how you treat a submissive, for example, I knew a dominant who used to give their submissive the silent treatment when they were upset with them. The submissive ended up being greatly harmed, as in damaged, to the point of needing to be hospitalized and in therapy because they ended up feeling so emotionally cut off and abandoned. The mental aspect of submission is the most powerful implement, and it can cause just as much serious damage as any physical implement.
What am I up to these days?
For the last several years, I have found a niche as a mentor for both males and females, dominant and submissive, that are new to the lifestyle, whether it is for scening for a casual one-off type of encounter, or a longer series of scenes, or getting started into a long-term commitment relationship, or even helping with a collaring ceremony. I have also been known to attend demos and even a fetish ball or two. I also like to travel to other communities and observe or just hangout talking with dominants and submissives alike. Whether someone is old hat or brand new to the lifestyle, I am always willing to listen to ideas and everyone has something worthwhile to contribute.
I spend my days helping my roommate take care of a precocious 5 year old. I homeschool, and take her on outings. We have fun setting up obstacle courses in the yard and blasting Linkin Park music while we paint.
I also spend three months of the year across the country to spend time with my daughter and her family, helping take care of and homeschooling a special needs child. He needs constant care due to having brain cancer at the age of 18 months. He has significant delays and is ventilator dependent at night and has a trach to keep his airway stable. He uses a tablet and signing to communicate and is quite a charming kid. His dad died suddenly back in 2013 and his biological mom isn’t in the picture. I have spent every summer since then giving my daughter a much needed break from July to October.
I also like to read. I will read just about anything, from classics like “To Kill a Mockingbird” or “The Hobbit”, to not so classics like Vampirates (the little 5 yr old loves this one), or “Harry Potter”. But I also love to read most things “Shifter”, “vampire”, and of course in the realm of BDSM or what I call the Dark Side (Kidnapping, forced…etc). I love to read romance and age play, domestic discipline and throw in some SEALs and alpha males for dessert.
Wasn’t that cool, lovelies? I am SO GRATEFUL for the time Mary took to talk with us about being a Domme, and as she mentioned above she loves to talk and support others interested in the BDSM community. Just like I always say my inbox is open, and I’m happy to help, now we have Mary for when those interested in the dominant side of the coin want to talk! Her facebook page is over here and she was willing to let me share it.
Please tell her thank you for her time, and be sure to always keep an eye out for more wonderful Ask Me Anything posts! <3
Thank you (and Mary) for this! Very informative post, and interesting to read another’s perspective / experiences. It’s refreshing to note that there are certain commonalities, even if circumstances and background are not the same overall. Also, if for one reason alone, this post helps to reinforce that the community is a lot broader than people give credit for, esp. where age is concerned (a personal pet peeve of mine…).
On a side note: 25% through Imperfect Monster, since purchasing it this morning. Productivity has suffered at work today; no point in lying about that. :-) Loving it so far…