I’ve got something special for you guys today! It’s #AskMeAnything day, but I’m actually excited to bring you guys the first round of answers from my Dom! A few weeks ago I asked members of the Dark Haven if they could ask my Dom anything… what would they ask? They came back with over 70 questions, and while some were repeats/similar, it was still way too many to answer at once. And so, here is Part 1.
Q: Ask the Dom, Part 1!
A: These questions were the ones focused on him as a person. Enjoy, lovelies!
How old were you when you got into the lifestyle? How did you get involved in the Dom/sub life? How long have you been in the lifestyle?
I have always been dominant, since long before I had words to describe it. When we played ‘house’ in kindergarten, I was always ‘dad’ and told the girls who played ‘mom’ what to do. I spanked my first girlfriend at 15, and never really stopped. I have tried having vanilla relationships, but they just don’t do it for me, and so for a long time I fumbled around looking for like-minded people, basically proposing spanking or bondage to women who seemed to like my overall demeanor. Needless to say, there were some seriously embarrassing moments, but I survived.
Then the book ‘The Story of O’, and later the film, were released, and I realized there were a lot of other people who had interests similar to mine. This was pre-internet (1981), but I started looking in the local adult papers and found a group of fellow kinksters that were starting a group with bi-monthly meetings (they weren’t munches then) where we did ‘consciousness raising’ and skill development at alternate meetings. Joining the group was a huge step forward in helping me to define what I am, and in learning the skills to do what I do, which is why I am such a proponent of people getting involved in their local munch scene, whether they choose to engage in other activities (like play parties) or not.
Do you have any hard limits? What are they? Is there anything you have said “Oh hell no” to?
Yes, but I generally don’t think of them as hard limits, they are just things that don’t suit my particular kink (for Monty Python fans, my “Idiom”). I am an owner, I relish submission and obedience, I am proud of my submissive(s), I want them to develop and succeed, and to be proud of their place. So, I don’t do things that do physical damage (beyond some soreness and gorgeous bruises), such as punching or kicking. I don’t do humiliation or degradation. I don’t do things like needles or cutting (I do like knife play, but I don’t break the skin) because the risk when you start getting below the first couple of layers of skin is beyond what I am comfortable with. I don’t do true branding, tattoos, or piercing, because I don’t have the opportunity to develop the expertise I would consider acceptable, but I will get skilled artists to do them when I want my property marked.
Are there times you want not to be in charge? I feel like being a Dom is a lot of work, do you ever just need a break from it?
No, there aren’t, and no I don’t.
I am a dominant, in my essential nature. I spend my days in the corporate world hiding that nature, because not doing so would give my HR people ulcers. Among vanilla friends (from school and the military), and my family, they are aware that my relationships are ‘a little different’, but most would draw the line at me having Jennifer kneeling next to my chair instead of sitting at the table with us. So, I hide my nature there, too. When I get to where I can let it go, when I don’t have to fake being normal, it feels like taking off a too-tight suit and finally being able to breathe. And, no, I never want a break from that.
How do you choose your subs? Why do you not like brats? Do you have a preference in looks for your subs? What characteristic or personality trait do you find most appealing in a sub?
There were a group of questions around the theme of ‘how do I find a Dom?’ that I intend to answer more generally a little later on. You should not take what I say here to apply to any other dom, these are my preferences only.
First, there are some things that are instant disqualifiers, because I have relationships and not occasional play partners:
- If you are monogamous, even if you think you can fake it till you make it in poly, it isn’t going to work, because Jennifer isn’t going anywhere. If you want a man who is all yours, then go find him, don’t try to twist yourself into something you are not.
- If you are physically out of shape, it isn’t going to work. When I go on vacation, I like to hike 14ers in Colorado, scuba dive, or climb all over ancient cities in the jungle (my kids used to refer to vacations with me as “Dad’s death-marches”). Vacations are something I want to share with someone I am in a relationship with, so you need to enjoy stuff like that too.
Second, there are some general characteristics I look for:
- Do you have a passion? Jennifer and I never lack for things to talk about, between my passions for woodworking, boxing, and my company, and her passion for her child, her writing, and her job. Some doms prefer submissives whose only interest is their dom, but I think that having other interests stimulates the creativity and joy people bring to the relationship.
- Do you have your life more or less together? There are plenty of doms with rescue fantasies, but I am not one of them. I want you to have a job, a place to live, your finances under control, and a support network of friends or family, because when you have all those things then I know that the reason you kneel to me, is because you really want to. If you need a little help to get there, no problem. I will be your rock when something happens, but most of the time I want you to stand on your own two feet.
- Do you have a fairly well developed sense of yourself and your boundaries? Whenever I negotiate with a submissive, I always try to push her into telling me “No” at some point, because I need to know that she can. Your morals, ethics, political views and religion are much of who you are, and they don’t have to agree with mine except in those areas where they absolutely must (if you believe polyamory is morally wrong, we have an issue), and I need to know that you can stand by them.
On a kink specific level, I look for a few things:
- I want you to belong to me, because you want to serve and please me.
- I want you to wear my mark, so that it is clear to anyone who sees you naked that you are owned, and I want you to wear it with pride.
- I want you to understand that you are my property, to use as I see fit, but not to abuse. If I want to beat you with my belt and then fuck your throat, that is exactly what I will do, and, no, you don’t get a say in the matter, but you will always have a safe word.
- I don’t want you to try to manipulate me to do what you want, by disobeying or acting up so I will “punish” you, by trying to make me jealous, or by faking a lack of capacity to do something. If you need something, say so. If you want something, ask. I may say yes, or I may say no, but you will never get in trouble for asking, unless I have told you the discussion is over.
Oh, I forgot to talk about looks… guess it wasn’t that important.
Hope you liked this sneak peek into my Dom (I think he’s pretty awesome). For now, he’s working on more answers. Until next time, lovelies!
I think I’m in love with your Dom… ;)
You’re a very lucky lady, Jennifer, and I think he must be an incredibly fortunate Dom.
Thank you for answering these questions, it’s lovely to be able to get an insight into a Dominant’s look at the D/s relationship.
He’s pretty wonderful. ^_^ Thank you, lovely!
How would you handle a sub who has never shared a dom but wants to try ?
Having any kind of multi-partner relationship (polyamorous, open, etc.) is going to take communication. If anyone doesn’t want that, there’s no way to convince them of it, because they’re just going to end up getting hurt. If it’s what you’re looking for, it’s best to look for a different partner who wants the same things, lovely.
I rly enjoyed this. Thank you ;)
Hello Mistress Jennifer Bene,
I’m considering starting in BDSM with a dom who is not a pro, who I’ve met via Adult Friend Finder, has experience with prior subs and now who is requesting as a requirement to start with her that I purchase an expensive array of BDSM gear totally close to $1,200 from a supplier of her choosing. The pricing of this particular vendor (BDSMstore.com) is much much higher than similar items found say at other BDSM stores and Amazon. I have only communicated with this person via email. My gut feeling is this is a scam though she has sent me a CA drivers license (I have to verify with the DMV) as supposed proof of her true identity. In response, she requested that I do the same (send a picture of my drivers license which I did. I’m afraid of what could be done with my information. I have to verify her CA drivers license myself too? Is this usual behavior for a dom to expect that I purchase my own gear and use her own shop?
This sounds like a scam, I’m sorry. :(