Hello, lovelies! This is the first ever ‘Ask Me Anything’ blog post so I want to provide just a little backstory on why / how this is happening. I do “author takeovers” on Facebook occasionally, and this ‘ask me anything’ idea has always been one of my most popular things during the event, to the point that I’ve even had people message me later to thank me because the topics / discussions helped them. A little over a week ago a good friend of mine (Livia Grant) asked me why I didn’t post my answers on my blog – because she thinks it could help people. Honestly? I’d just never thought to do it. So, now I’m bringing ‘Ask Me Anything’ to the blog every week on Sundays. I’ll take a question either from the queue (check the link at the top of the screen to submit a question) or from a past takeover and provide an answer.
Now, here’s the caveat. I’m not an expert. I’ve been in the lifestyle for a little over a decade, I’m currently active with a Dom, I’m a masochist, a painslut, and a submissive, and I’ve done a lot of crazy stuff – but I am not the end-all-be-all decision maker of the BDSM community. I’m one kinky submissive who likes to do all kinds of things, and I love to talk to people and support them. That’s all this is! I’ll be happy to answer questions around BDSM, the lifestyle, my real experiences, or whatever you feel like asking – but I’m just one person. Please don’t sue me. Okay? Okay.
For future popular posts, check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Enough with the intro, let’s get to our first question! This one came out of an event I attended around how to bring kink into a vanilla relationship. I know a lot of friends / fellow authors / readers in this situation and I hope this helps. (Special thanks to Renee Rose’s group for this delightful question)
Q: How should someone go about talking to their partner about incorporating kink or finding other safe outlets for it?
A: This is a long one, so hold on!
Before this question was originally asked, I had just spent two days with a lovely coworker who figured out what I wrote by peeking over my shoulder and pestering me throughout dinner until I admitted I wrote sexy, kinky books. This turned into her admitting she wanted her hubby to play a little rougher, but she had no idea how to go about bringing it up. It’s not uncommon to want to make our fantasies a reality, and if you’re following me then you probably have a few wild and crazy ones – but, how do you bring it into your relationship? Well, in honor of this very common question I’ve written a bunch of stuff down. Here are the same tips I give absolutely everyone in this situation if they ask me about it:
#1) COMMUNICATE! Nothing is going to happen unless you’re open and honest about what you want. Now, is this easy? Fuck no. It’s awkward as hell to tell your significant other “It would be hot if you pulled my hair or spanked my ass sometimes” or “Think I could spank your ass and call you naughty?“. It’s even more awkward to try and say this while you’re pouring cereal for the kids in the morning. Let’s be honest, being an adult, in an adult relationship, does not magically make the “Lets try something in BDSM” convo easy.
The best suggestion I have is to bring it up when the setting is already sexy. When you’re kissing, getting close together, getting naked, suggest it. “Hey, baby, you know what would be really hot? If you pulled my hair a bit.” Or “What if tonight you called me sir?” WHATEVER your kinky little heart desires, bring it up in the moment, not at random. It will feel easier for you to say, and be easier for them to hear. Then its about keeping those lines of communication open, which I’ll come back to in a second.
#2) Be smart about EVERYTHING. Spanking might be someone’s pain threshold and that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to safe word if you can’t handle something, anything. No one has to be a mega-ultra-painslut to earn their BDSM badge. (Pssst, you already have your badge just by reading all these naughty books, we love and accept you, even if you never get to try it out!). Trust me, the kinky people are kinky even if they don’t do anything kinky. That being said, don’t use tools you don’t know how to. At the minimum read about it, watch YouTube videos, and the BEST is to go to an event and have someone physically show the dominant partner how to safely do it. My Dom has been a Dom for over 25 years and will not suspend me solo because he isn’t confident in doing it safely. We always do it at a club with the assistance of someone who knows what they’re doing. Kink is fun, but it’s not worth your life (or jail time for the dominant partner).
#3) Take a deep breath, and laugh. Fucking laugh when something awkward happens. Yes, the scary alpha Dom face is super hot, but if you slip off the spanking bench because it’s slick with lube (I’ve been there, done that) – laugh. It will make it all easier, I swear. Sex is messy and BDSM is even more messy. Roll with it. Laugh when you need to, and then hop back on the wooden pony and start begging again!
#4) Did I mention communicate? I told you I’d come back to it, and I have because I mean it. Communicate. All the time. Before, during, after. Even with a ball gag in your mouth tied to a cross you can nod when he asks if you’re okay, you can squeeze his fingers to prove your hands haven’t gone numb. Communicate!
Then after, REVIEW! Even if that’s just you in a pool of post-orgasmic bliss mumbling “omfg that was so hot thank you yay I’m going to sleep now“, do it. Tell them they’re a glorious sex god and all that jazz, and bathe in the glow as they return the compliment. But also? Be honest if you didn’t like something! Add it to your limits list if you REALLY don’t like it. Both subs and Doms get limit lists and both sides need to respect them. Having an open dialogue means both sides can be confident in trying more things, and most importantly it means both sides can be safe. Communication, when you get really good at it, means that you get to a point where you can list any dark and scary and fetishy kink your mind can dream up, and you don’t have to worry about being judged. If your partner doesn’t want to try it – they’ll tell you. If you both want to try it, refer to #2 and do it as SSC as possible. (That’s safe, sane, and consensual for those of you just dipping your toes into the BDSM lifestyle). Communication is the super heavy, super difficult to open, golden door – but once you get it swung open, just imagine all of the delicious things you might find inside. Be brave, I’ll always be here to answer more questions.
#5) Now for the hard truth, lovelies. Some people are not submissive, and some people are not Dominant. For some the things that turn us on will not be the things that turn on the people we love. This means that after all the talking, all the communication, all the trying stuff out – you may face a decision of “kink or my chosen partner”. And, let’s be honest, your partner is probably going to win unless there are other issues already present.
If that’s the situation you find yourself in, you can do a few things:
- Ask if you can try things out (sexual or non-sexual) in a safe place like a local club, and discuss the rules of what that might look like.
- You can separate from them, break-up, get a divorce. Hey, I know it’s not the popular answer, but it ended up being the only choice I had when my ex decided he didn’t want to handcuff me and bring out the riding crop anymore, and I’m a much happier person now. (Although you can thank the sexual frustration during the last year of my marriage for the Thalia series! ha!)
- Last, you can continue with your relationship as it was before you brought up all the kinky things and simply fill the gap with all the amazing books people like me and your other favorite kinkilicious authors write. Even those of us in the community devour fiction because fiction is perfect, and we can do things with books we could never do in real life. And if you end up living the vanilla life while your mind is dark and twisty, honestly, it’s not the worst thing that can happen in life.
Okay, lovelies. This was a loooonnnggg first ‘Ask Me Anything’ but I felt like it was the perfect one to start the blog series off with. It’s such a common concern for people and I love thinking that I can help a little with these answers. Now, I’m going to ask you to comment. Whether it’s on my blog, or on Facebook, or you tweet me back – LET ME KNOW YOU READ THIS! These are so special to me, and I’d love to do ‘Ask Me Anything’ with the kind of excitement that we get on Thankful Thursdays, but I need to know you lovelies want it.
Alright, here’s me, signing off.
P.S. – Don’t forget to submit your own questions and get yours featured one Sunday!