I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question came from one of the readers last week who had some follow-up questions after my discussion of bringing kink into your vanilla relationship (read that one over here if you like). They’ve asked to remain anonymous, and so they shall. <3 I hope this helps them, and some of you, and remember you can always ask me anything using the link at the top of my blog! Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: Thank you for the suggestions on bringing kink into a vanilla relationship, but what if your relationship / marriage is sexless, and you still want to explore kink?
A: First, I want to say that I’m sorry you’re in this situation. The longer you’re with someone the more the both of you change, no one stays the same forever, and I think more often than people like to talk about this is where long-term relationships end up. I’m not saying that it’s a foregone conclusion for all relationships (some people are lucky enough to keep that going without much help) but I do believe it’s more common than society would like us to admit. Now, I am not going to be like Cosmo or some other magazine targeted towards women that gives you a list of “20 Top Ways to Wow Your Man into Staying” because that’s annoying. What I will do is give you my best ideas on how to help, using things that have helped others.
Be honest about what you like. Communication was the theme of the other post, and it’s still true. Even if all you do is text them your fantasies, it can go a long way. A simple “I was thinking about you on top of me and it made me so excited / wet / etc” or “I just caught myself fantasizing about being on my knees in front of you” can make them feel desired, sexual, and needed. That’s an important thing in a relationship, and it’s something we sometimes lose in our comfort with another person. Reminding them, in deliciously explicit detail, might just be what wakes up that side of your relationship again.
Send them dirty pictures. All people like visuals, but men are especially known to be visual creatures. Start out slow, with just an attractive image (not too racy) that depicts something you like, or something that caught your eye. A woman kneeling at a man’s feet (dressed), or a picture of just a pair of hands in cuffs, you can send it over and tell them you find it attractive. “I love this” or “Thought you might like this” or just go flat out and say “This is so hot, right?”. Over time you can build up to racier pictures if they’re open to it. More devious ones. Tumblr is a great resource for some hot hot hot pictures, but beware a lot of them are NSFW (not safe for work)!
Buy toys and masturbate. Let’s be honest, you’re probably already doing this, but don’t be ashamed of it. Everyone has masturbated at least once in their life, and it’s a very fun way to let off some steam while imagining your favorite scene from the latest book you picked up! If you’re feeling brave, have a nice big glass of wine, and tell them what you’re going to do. Whisper it in their ear, and if they seem interested, ask if they want to join you. No pressure on them to participate, but let them be a part of it if they want to. This might take some time to build up to, but I believe in you.
Watch porn with them. I know there’s a lot of opinions out there on porn, but I like it, and a lot of other people do too. Start a tradition that each week you’ll alternate who gets to pick one to watch (Reddit has a bunch of subreddits that collect links to videos in a variety of kinks / fetishes scattered across the internet, and no, you don’t have to pay for it). Remember, men like visuals! Then if things get going… see where it takes you!
But, why the hell does this happen anyway? Women and men sometimes just lose their sex drive. There’s a lot of reasons for this… our hormones change without warning at times, the most recognizable of which is menopause in women – which is a hellscape of fun I’m not looking forward to when I get older – but in menopause a lot of women lose their sex drive, and they’re not to blame for that. (Side note: a lot of women also get their sex drive back once menopause is done being a total bitchface, so that’s exciting!) Something that’s less talked about is that men can lose testosterone production over time, and testosterone = sex drive. ‘Low T’ is now a recognized medical issue with potential solutions through medication, but a) getting your guy to admit it’s an issue, and then b) convincing them to go to a doctor and admit it (without drugging them and physically dragging them), can seem practically impossible. Also, there’s viagra and other erection assistance medication, but no matter what it is it’s hard to get them to go. For them it’s embarrassing, awkward, and then there’s that belief that for some reason women should be happy about it. (As if we can’t have incredible sex drives too!) If this is something you suspect, I’d suggest having the conversation about what you miss in your sexual relationship with them. Was it the intimacy? Do they have an incredibly talented tongue? Start the conversation by complimenting them, complimenting what you miss, and then comes the hard part… asking them if they miss it too. If they admit that they do, ask if they’d be willing to go with you to talk to someone about it. Do the research for them, find the doctor, make it as easy as possible, and then support them in whatever way they ask. Go with them? Yes. Don’t go with them? Yep. If they don’t admit it, then try the other suggestions in this post to see if you can bring back their urge to solve the problem, because that would be the first hurdle.
Last, remember, you are still wonderful. No matter what’s causing it, no matter what the hell has happened (medical, hormonal, or because of some crazy random inexplicable reason) you are wonderful. Don’t let someone else’s problems make you question yourself. You are beautiful, you are a kick-ass kinky minded individual who is not embarrassed by the fact that you’re turned on. You can be as sexual as you want to be, you can masturbate four times a day, you can read dirty books, and you can fantasize every moment of every day and no one can stop you or change that – because you are wonderful. If you choose to stay with your partner, you are still wonderful. If you choose to leave them to seek out a life that you want, you are still wonderful.
We can’t always bring kink into our relationships, and we can’t always get the sex life we want back – but we can always be proud of who we are. I am proud of who you are. If you’re reading this and any of it is resonating, or reminds you of past relationships, I am proud of you and I believe in you and your ability to take your sexuality in hand and find your pleasure where you can.
You can always message me, lovelies. I am happy to talk, even if you just want to vent about it and ask for some tips on my favorite vibrator. I hope this helped, and I hope it wasn’t too long.
Until next time,
Thank you, this was well written and explained. And yes, menopause is a bitch! But post menopause is the light at the end of the tunnel. Sexual feelings return, yeah!
I hope it helps everyone! And thank you for reading. ^_^
I love your advise Jen, you give great points without any judgment whatsoever. I too have been with my husband for 29yrs and we have never been sexually compatible (i know sad right) I am a sexual being and like a little kink..he is a wham, bam, thank you, man!…snoring 30 seconds later lol. He just isn’t into it, even to the point i purchased a vibrator and he somewhat shamed me and said it was a form of cheating!!!!! We haven’t had sex in at least 6mths and i can only read so many books and watch so much porn?
Apart from sex we have a good enough marriage BUT i am only 45 and want/need some hot sex!
With all the erotic books i read i catch myself fantasizing about some hot man I’ve just noticed while out and about and wonder what it would be like if he dragged me off and had his way with me? I dont agree with cheating abd never would but jeeeeez…I need a good spanking ????
I’m so glad you read this so that you know you’re not the only one! Unfortunately, I hear this from so many of my readers and I just wish there was an easy / simple answer. Definitely stand up for your right to pleasure yourself though, especially if he’s putting in so little effort! You have every right in the world to buy all the vibrators, watch all the porn, read all the books! <3
I too think that your own personal sex life is up to you. If you want to explore kink, these are some excellent tips! If you are in a sexless marriage, that’s another issue, and all too common–I agree on that point. It’s such a varied journey, our sexual lives. Take control and make the best of it!
Absolutely! I wish more people would explore the things they are curious about, or pursue their own sexual happiness (even if it’s just a good vibrator!) because we only get one life and missing out on orgasms shouldn’t be a part of it!