We’re back with another Ask Me Anything post! Today, I’m answering a question an author friend sent me who is writing a BDSM story for the first time. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!

Q: What are your pet peeves in BDSM books?

A: Before I come across sounding like a bitch or something, I have to explain how this post happened. A good friend of mine (and an excellent author) started writing her first story with BDSM elements in it, and she was asking me questions about different implements / situations / etc. because she knows I write it myself and live it outside of my books too! As we were talking I shared a few of the things that frustrate me whenever I read BDSM romance or erotica. It’s a genre I love to read (the rare times I get the chance to read) and so when any of these cringey/eye-roll-worthy things happen, I really do get irritated.

So, here are my pet peeves in BDSM books. You might agree, or you might not, but here we go!

Being unable to sit down or lie down. Okay, for real, anyone that has received a punishment knows this is just ridiculous. Even after over 60+ cane strikes in a session I was able to sit in a freaking chair. Sure, bruises can make things uncomfortable, cane cuts can make you wince and maybe even groan when you sit, but being unable to sit down? Collapsing to the floor when you try to sit in a chair? I roll my eyes so hard when I see this show up in books. It tells me that the person probably has no idea what they’re talking about and there’s a 99.9% chance they’ve never experienced it. Especially when this occurs after a hand spanking! The only real exception to this pet peeve for me would be a harsh whipping. If a character has open wounds, then they’re probably not sitting or lying down on the wounds. But welts? cane cuts? A sore/red bottom from a long spanking? Puh-lease.

Characters purposefully disobeying a direct order from their recognized, SSC Dominant partner. Now, this one has a lot of exceptions. As authors in this genre, we often use tropes that put our submissive characters in situations to get in trouble, and I’m fine with that as long as they make sense. The ones that have to do with rushing off to try and prevent a disaster/save a life? Yep, that makes sense. Making an honest mistake, like losing track of time or forgetting a phone call? Sure, yep, we’ve all been there. The times when I just want to shut a book (and I won’t even buy one if it seems this is where it’s headed) are when the submissive character has been told something like “Don’t spend any more money shopping! You’re on a budget!” and the submissive character goes to the mall and cries over a pair of high heels that she just has to have, buys them, and then she acts surprised when she gets home and gets in trouble and then whines through her whole punishment. *slams head into desk* That’s just ridiculous, and (in my opinion) if a sub doesn’t respect her Dom enough to follow something as simple as “Don’t buy a two hundred dollar pair of shoes” then she’s a shitty submissive, and he needs to just break it off. #NotFinishingTheBook

Masochists/submissives not feeling pain at all. I’m a masochist, and a pain slut, and as I mentioned in the subspace post from before – whether we have the little set of crossed wires on the inside that make us more capable of converting that pain into pleasure, it still fucking hurts to get caned! I’m about to talk more about how dangerous things like this can be, but on this topic I feel like it mainly sets insane expectations for people. Sure, everyone’s pain tolerance is different, but the key word there is tolerance. There is still pain, and to ignore the fact that a belt, or a crop, or a cane hurts is just ridiculous.

SSC Dominant partners doing flat-out, researchable, stupid shit. I don’t think anyone (either in or out of the community) expects anyone to know everything. I sure as hell don’t know every implement out there, and I definitely don’t know how to use them all or how they feel, etc. There’s a ton I don’t know – but there’s also a lot of ways to find those things out if I wanted to put one of those things in a story. I’ve never done fire play, for instance, but I know people I could ask about it so I didn’t have the Dom do something ridiculous and/or dangerous. When I read a story where in a consensual play scene someone whips all the way down the sub’s back, I cringe. No responsible Dom would land an implement on the small of the back where important organs like the kidneys and liver are pretty much unprotected besides a layer of muscle. The upper/middle back are protected by the rib cage, but the lower back can cause serious issues. It’s something simple, and totally researchable, and whenever I see it show up I just shake my head and get a little pissed off because there’s enough people in the world who get inspired by the books written in this genre and want to try things out – and they often mistake fiction for a how-to guide, and things like ^this^ can put people in jeopardy.

Also, SSC Dominant partners trying out implements for the FIRST TIME on a submissive. Same issue I just mentioned on this subject. When couples start to dip their toes into BDSM, if they were inspired by kinky, fun fictional books, then they will sometimes believe it’s totally okay to go out, buy a cane, and start cracking away with it. Whenever I see a Dom in a book that has admitted they are A) new to the lifestyle, or B) never used/touched the implement in question, I want to toss my kindle when they start using it without even a casual mention that they, you know, researched how to use it, or took at least ten minutes to practice. Even “lighter” implements like a belt or crop could really hurt someone, and there is a technique for each implement. It’s why at the bare minimum everyone should read, watch some YouTube videos, etc. before even trying to use something the first time. When we make our characters able to innately understand how to snap a bullwhip against someone’s skin without tearing them open, it’s not only stupid, it’s dangerous.

We may know it’s fiction, and we may expect people to know it’s fiction, but if we’re depicting a healthy, safe, sane, consensual BDSM relationship – then we should do it right, and that might mean spending our time researching before we write a scene.

The good news? My author friends don’t make these mistakes, which is why I love them so much. They’re all so committed to doing the responsible thing when writing their stories that sometimes they get lost down the research rabbit hole (just like I do) in their effort to make their story the best possible it can be.

So, now you know what someone like me both as an author and an active submissive, gets irritated by in our genre. Obviously, these are just my opinions, lovelies. Do you agree? Disagree? Tell me!

I’ve got another Ask Me Anything again! Today, I’m picking up on a topic I started in the ‘Ask Me Anything’ discussion from two weeks ago about subspace, over here. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. Enjoy!

Q: What is sub drop?

A: Well, as I started to discuss in the original AMA on subspace, sub drop can happen to anyone who experiences an intense scene/session/whatever you want to call it. It can appear in a lot of different ways, and you may be someone who consistently gets it, or you may be someone who never does – but then spontaneously your body reacts oddly and you’re going to want to have an idea of what you might be feeling and why. It could happen anywhere from an hour or two after the session, to 48 hours, and the feelings can last up to two weeks (depending on your body’s reboot needs).

So, what the hell is sub drop?

Technically, sub drop is what happens to your body after you’ve drained your brain of all the hormones and chemicals that it releases during the scene or session. Just to remind you, this is a direct quote from that other post: “During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense.” That super sciencey language boils down to the idea that your body releases a bunch of happy chemicals from your brain during a scene, and it can put you into subspace, which as I described before is glorious.

But, that sounds awesome!

It is! All of those happy chemicals are why we submissives / masochists / painsluts do all the fun BDSM things we do. We get a high from the interaction, the intense intimacy, the flood of fun all-natural drugs… but there’s a teensy eensy problem with it. See, on a normal day your body is dripping those chemicals out at a super low rate, and you may get small dumps during exercise (yay!), but during a scene it can flood you with them and your body/brain can only replace them at the normal rate. There’s no magical way to speed up the creation of all those happy chemicals, and it takes time to rebuild your store of them. If you’ve used a LOT of those chemicals, that’s when sub drop can come in. It’s kind of like all-natural withdrawal from drugs, with all the nasty consequences.

What does sub drop feel like?

There are a lot of different ways it can show up. Let’s talk about the physical things first. It can show up as feeling like a hangover, or like you stayed up too late (even if you got more than enough sleep), or you could wake up feeling just off. Drop can be associated with feelings of loneliness, mental and physical exhaustion, confusion, insecurity, tremors and many other physical symptoms. Obviously, if you’ve had a pain session then there’s going to be the bruises, the soreness, the general pain from post-session fun. Not so random fact: pain can make you tired. It’s one reason why pain disorders are such a fucking nightmare, because just existing is exhausting when you’re in pain. Now, despite what many books will tell you, you’re not going to feel a normal spanking the next day. Seriously. You will be able to sit down just fine (if you can’t tell, this is one of my pet peeves when reading our genre). But a caning? A whip? An intense rope tie or suspension? You’re going to feel it and it’s going to wear your energy down, and your body is going to be short on chemicals to give you a boost. This can make you crash and suddenly become exhausted, and being tired can make you emotional.

Honestly, the emotional side is the more dangerous half. Emotions can wreak havoc on our logic, and then suddenly (even though we’re normally all okay with our play partner/Dom/Daddy/etc) we can suddenly feel abandoned, depressed, or unloved. It can hit you like a surprise too. I don’t often get sub drop, but the times I have it can show up while I’m in the middle of something innocuous like my day job, or ordering coffee, and the next moment you can feel like you might cry, or you’re upset at your Dom for a reason that can feel totally logical at the moment.

Whatever happens… stop, evaluate, and communicate.

Text or call your Dom as soon as possible. A good Dom will know what sub drop is, and they’ll be there to talk to you about what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it. But if you can’t get a hold of them, you need to stop and evaluate. Remind yourself that sub drop is normal, remind yourself of what happened during and after the session. There should have been aftercare, and sometimes that is helpful to hold on to. Even if it happened quickly on-site at the club, or if it was a whole night of cuddling in bed together – think about how much your Dom cares for you and appreciates the time you spend together in a scene.

What else can I do?

Put together an aftercare kit for yourself. A lot of BDSM sites recommend these, and while I don’t have a formal kit in a bag, I know what makes me feel better. If I’m tired, caffeine helps. Specifically, a 5-hour energy or a sweet latte with an obscene number of espresso shots. It helps to provide some artificial chemical substitute to what my brain might actually provide if I hadn’t binged on the ones my body normally has.

If you’re feeling a little emotional, think of what makes you feel better when you’re sick (because you kind of are). A warm blanket, a bubble bath, candy, a favorite drink, music, etc. If you are someone who likes to journal, keep a notebook with you to write out how you feel to get the words out and down, this might also help you clear your head before you talk to your Dom.

Most of all, don’t blame yourself.

Sub drop is totally normal, and while it can really suck, the benefits of kink and subspace and the powerful relationship you can form in the BDSM lifestyle is totally worth it. Right, lovelies?

What can I do to avoid sub drop?

Drink water before, during, and after play. A glass of something high in simple sugars like orange juice right after can help as well, because it will give your body a boost as it’s adjusting to the loss of happy chemicals. Mostly? Aftercare, aftercare, aftercare. Get wrapped up in a blanket to stay warm, get cuddled and snuggled and doted on. Let your Dom take care of any marks you might have. Eat something. Indulge in lots of warm and fuzzy physical touch to balance out all the kinky touching. Basically, give yourself a huge bank of good stuff to remember and think of if sub drop happens.

Make sure you and your Dom have talked about follow-up. Will they call you? Text you? Will you be able to reach them if drop happens? Communicate about the possibility and know what the expectations are on both sides (because if you don’t have this set out before hand then that drop might make you spontaneously upset/angry with them if they are unreachable).

The most important thing to remember is that while sub drop may happen, it’s no one’s fault. It’s just the natural reaction of your body to the loss of all those happy and fun chemicals. You’ll be back to normal and ready for more kinky fun in no time.

Hope this was helpful, lovelies!