It’s Sunday, and that means Ask Me Anything day! This week I was talking to my friend Measha Stone (a fabulous author, check out her website) and she challenged me to discuss my relationship with my Dom, because we’re a little … different. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What kind of relationship do you have with your Dom?
A: Ahhh, this question. I’ve had a lot of conversations with friends about the unique relationship I have with my Dom, and when Measha suggested I talk about in on Ask Me Anything, I figured that it would be a perfect thing to cover this weekend, especially following my “Being Type-A and Submissive” AMA from last week.
My Dom and I are both very driven people, very Type-A perfectionists, and so I’m lucky that he understands that side of me and my drive to do everything at 100mph without stopping to breathe (usually until I have some kind of mini-breakdown, and then he’s there to pick up the pieces and remind me I’m not a horrible trainwreck of a failure). In short, if you don’t want to read this whole thing: he’s there for me, and I’m there for him, and we have a lot of kinky fun sex.
But what’s so different about your relationship?
Well, the big reveal here is that we are not monogamous. I was married a few years ago and one of the things that broke it down was that my ex decided that he was no longer okay with me playing with other people, specifically women. I’m bisexual and I was always upfront that if I married him, I wouldn’t be okay never touching a woman again. He was fine with that … for a few years, and then he changed his mind. About the same time he changed his mind on kink, and having fun, and ever doing anything. Can you see why I got divorced?
Anyway the result of having to go through a divorce made one thing very clear to me. A) I’ll never get married again, because it was a nightmare to get out of, and B) I’d never be monogamous again. I know that it’s just not something I can do, and so now I’m extremely up front about it, and clear that I won’t change my mind on it. Just like I’m clear that I’m a submissive and a masochist/painslut and so if that stops, I won’t be sticking around either. When I first met my Dom he was attracted to my intelligence and my masochism (his words) because he’s a sadist, and a definite alpha-Dom, and he likes to play hard – which not everyone can handle. So, we saw each other for a while unofficially, and we were both seeing other people, and then because I got busy and life got in the way, there was a period of several months where I only saw him / played with him / fucked him. This led to a delightful misunderstanding that I had decided to be monogamous, which I shattered when I told him I wanted to play with someone we had met at the club.
Yikes – what happened?
We talked about it. (See? I practice what I preach!) Yep, we talked and talked and talked in our strange hyper-logical, unemotional way. He admitted to struggling with the idea of me being “his” but also playing with other people. And the challenging thing to explain to people who don’t have an open relationship is that my Dom is my primary, and if he really objected to someone – then I wouldn’t play with them. We talk whenever I want to go play with someone, but I don’t have to ask permission… it’s more that I ask if he’s okay with me playing on that particular night, and if he has any knowledge from our community about the potential play partner. Now, the first night I played after “the talk” was with that Dom I mentioned before, and it was difficult. He worried about me the whole night, because this guy was a very clear sadist and he’d met him so he knew it, and then he got angry (not at me, just in general) with the idea of someone else touching me, and told me he spent about four hours at the heavy bag in his garage letting out that aggression. But you know what happened next? We talked again. And again. And again. And I explained that feeling boxed in, trapped, would make me run faster than anything else. He said that he wanted me exactly as I was and he just needed to realign his Dom brain to encompass the idea that I would be with other people than just him.
So my Dom read books. A lot of books. Because that’s what he does when he struggles with something, and he now has a small library on open relationships, polyamory (which we are not), and swinging. Then, he started to play with others again, and to be honest he plays with others way more frequently than I do because he has the time, and that has made a huge difference over the 2 years we’ve been together. He “gets it” now, and we’re solid. Great. Fantastic.
You said you have an ‘open relationship’ but isn’t that the same thing as polyamory?
Nope. An open relationship literally means that neither side is expected to be monogamous, but we treat each other as the core relationship and everything else is just fun. Polyamory is exactly what the word means ‘many loves’ – and I’d have to be “in love” with my Dom to even broach that… which is a whole separate issue that I will do my best to explain before you all panic. I’m a very caring person, I adore my friends, I am protective and loyal and will go out of my way to help someone “in my circle”, but I don’t fall in love. Just the idea of my Dom saying “I love you” makes me feel like I’m bordering on a panic attack, because I know I can’t return it. This is yet another complicated thing that I suck at explaining, but the gist of it is that I don’t connect on that level. I just can’t, and I’m sure it’s because of a lot of crap that happened when I was a kid, but at the end of the day, I need someone in my life who is okay with me never saying the magical “L” word, because I’m not going to mean it if I do.
So, what DO you say to each other?
His favorite line when we’re in a serious / borderline emotional (which neither of us are) conversation is: “You are very important to me.” And I know that is true. He puts me first, he would do anything in his power for me, and he cares about my health, wellness, and happiness. He is important to me as well. We talk on the phone every single night (unless it’s impossible) and I have told him that I care about him, because I do. But, unlike the fabulous things I read and write in our genre, we’re not a love story. We’re not even romantic. We’re kinky as fuck, we are great in bed together, and he likes to hurt me until I’m crying and coming like the twisted little masochist/painslut I am because it gets him off too. In short? We’re perfect for each other.
And for all the complications I’ve talked about in who I am, and who we are – our relationship is actually pretty uncomplicated. We are loyal to each other, and we are each other’s primary relationship – and any other play/sex/fun is secondary, peripheral to what we have together which encompasses great conversations, good company, and a shared taste in dark humor. He can play with anyone he wants, and I can play with anyone I want. When I’m in his house I serve, I obey (and I often do in other situations as well). More importantly, I am always his, because I’ve agreed to be. He’s my Dom, my Master in our own version of the kink (I got pierced last year as a version of a collar, 4 rings in my labia).
And this is what BDSM is all about.
It’s about finding out what works for you, what YOU need, and then seeking it out. It’s about talking through your needs and seeing if your partner can meet you there. It’s about give and take (although he gives so much more than I do in my opinion, but he would argue that point). And it’s about respecting the major rule in the community, that play should be safe, sane, and consensual, but all of the other rules can bend. In fact, there are a lot of OPINIONS in BDSM, but there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to how you label yourself or what you do. Kink comes in a billion different flavors, and you pick and choose what works for you and your partner. It’s what makes it so fucking amazing.
So, are we odd? Yes. Are we fantastic together? Absolutely yes. Do we have mindblowing sessions and incredible sex and still sometimes go out to dinner and talk for hours about a million things? Fuck yes.
I always say how lucky I am to have found him, and because he’s insane enough to like me he says that he’s lucky too.
And really, I have to agree with both of us.
PS – I hope you enjoyed this peek into my relationship, and I hope it doesn’t change your opinion of me too much! Remember to send me your own Ask Me Anything and maybe next time I’ll answer your question! Hope 2017 is going well for you so far! <3
This is amazing! As you know from my comment on last week”s AMA, my husband and I recently split and are getting divorced. We had an “open” relationship for quite a while and I use that term loosely because I was totally cool with him playing with other women, but he was never exactly open to me playing with other men. I could play with women no problem, but not exactly with men. This lead to a lot of issues for me, things happened and we are where we are now. I think the relationship you have with your dom is amazing and I am so happy to hear that it works so well for you. I do have a friend I recently met who says he is dominant and recognizes that I can be very submissive and that I like to please. He has said he would love to help me explore that side of myself more and I really hope we can have a lot of fun together. I have told him though that I am in no way, shape, or form ready for any kind of committed relationship right now and he says he understands that. I hope that one day I change my mind on that, but I also think I will be totally OK with not having that again. Only time wI’ll tell.
*HUG* You sound a lot like me and I’m so glad that you’ve taken the steps to go for what makes you happy. It’s absolutely wonderful, and whether or not you ever get married again, you know what you want and need now and that’s half the battle. <3
It took me about a month to come to terms with things after we had a big blowout and he told me to leave, but something just clicked one day and I am embracing the change and finding the positive in it. Thank you!
I’m always here to chat if you want to talk about anything, lovely. <3 <3 <3
You are amazing and I adore you. :)
Awww, thank you Livia! ^_^
For some strange reason I missed this AMA in January. I’m so glad I found it.
I’v been maried for 52 years but not once during that time have the infamous three words come out of my mouth. For a long time I felt there was something wrong with me and maybe I should get over myself and just say it. But then I realized that would be the beginning of a very long lie. And that would make me feel even worse.
Your explanation came so close to my feeling about it.
The peek into your relationship did change my opinion of you. I always felt your work transported your deep understanding and love of your genre, but your personal involvement makes the affinity even more clear to me.
Your description of your relationship with your Dom made me very envious, and on the other hand confirmed that this kind of relationship is possible in real life.
I wish both of you a long and satisfying bond.
Thank you for beeing so very generous. With your time, your knowledge, and just with yourself !
Awww! I’m so glad you enjoyed this, Gab! :D It’s definitely not something that people understand very easily, and if they don’t feel the same way they can have a lot of judgments/opinions. I used to let that pressure me into trying to be someone I wasn’t (which was miserable) but now I’m comfortable enough to just be me, and people either accept it or don’t. I’m glad you’ve never felt pressured like that!!
Oh, don’t get me wrong. I did pressure myself for many years. But beeing 19 when I got married, what did I know! It took until I started training for my day job and had to proof 350 hours of self therapy, that things became clear(er)! Not that I don’t get “hickups ” from time to time, even now. It took even longer to admit to myself that I had a very strong kink “leaning”. So now I’m a kink-friendly-therapist. Yay !!
*HUG* That is SO AWESOME!! You’re even more cool than I thought!
Blushing thanks !!!
This is so cool. I love the story of you and your Dom. I am also a kinky person. Bit where I live, in my country, we dont have BDSM clubs because people see it as morally wrong. I am.submisdive by nature and I love to please people and always loved to try it. I did try an online thing but I did not like the Dom at all. The only way I would try one is when I visit US and check out clubs. I have realised that I am not vanilla. I am a very dominant petson in my day to day life but I have read your books and other BFSM books to realise what gets me off.
Just make sure you safe if you come to the states to play! <3 I love that you know what you want, and find your ways to get your enjoyment of it right now. That’s sometimes the scariest part, admitting it to yourself. Next step is just being safe when you dip your toes in! I have another AMA about getting into the lifestyle.
Wonderfully written article. I love that you stated that we are all different and there is no “one way” to express our kink.
As long as we are true to outselves and openly honest to potential partners we have no reason to justify our lifestyle.
At 59 I am looking for a lifetime partner with the same bend as I have and to be honest it isn’t easy. But I will continue to look because to settle for anything less would leave me extremely frustrated and unhappy.
I love how you and your partner work through any differences and move forward.
Thanks,
Lisa
EXACTLY! We have to be true to what we want and need in life or we’re just setting ourselves up for unhappiness and disappointment. I am wishing you aalllll the best, lovely, in your search for someone! <3
I didn’t know how much I needed to hear this.
Thank you.
❤
*hug* I hope it helped, lovely!
I am in a relationship and my man is Vanilla. I recently met a man who really knows how to treat a woman in bed. Yes I cheated, not proud but I need more excitement. Anyway, he want to be my Dom and me his Sub on the side. This man has made me experience feelings I have never felt before in bed. I want to be his Sub but I can’t tell my man. I would prefer an open relationship but he’s not into it. I need advice please.
Cheating is never going to bring you happiness in the end because it’s going to come out sooner or later. My recommendation is to be honest that you’re unhappy and that you want to separate. Sure, it may take some time (especially during this pandemic) but it’s better to be up front and honest than have it blow up in your face later, lovely. I wish you luck in pursuing your OWN happiness, because you deserve it, just don’t forget to do the work to get there the right way. <3
I’m very new the bdsm lifestyle. I met a dom and we’ve been talking for about a month. I have experienced the paddles, whips etc receiving his marks and bruises. Although it hurt like hell I do my the safe words and he respects them. He has told me he likes my personality and my open mind but is not attracted to me. Although I appreciate his honesty it still hurt. He wants to continue seeing me but he also wants us both to have a win win relationship but obviously it’s not with each other. He looks at it like he is introducing me the the lifestyle and wants to spend a long time getting me ready to explore. I don’t know if I show stay and hope something will come out of what we have going on or run. I don’t want to get emotionally involved only to get hurt. I am completely turned on by him and ready to commit to being his but clearly he is not. Should I stay or run? Can you help me with my decision
Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry I didn’t reply to this sooner. I lost my mom last year and stepped away from social media for a while. :( I’m disappointed that your dom would say something so hurtful to you, and I do hope you sought out someone who would care about you as a whole person and not just a play partner. Please remember that you are ALWAYS worthy of respect and love, no matter what kinks you’re into or what scenes you’re trying out. No one deserves your submission if they can’t meet that bare minimum. <3