This is another post from the Ask Me Anything series and it’s late because I’m still a little unsteady at the moment. Hooray for anxiety! Curious what the #AskMeAnything normally is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: This post is late because of anxiety, and I’m writing it because of anxiety, aaaand because due to anxiety I got to have the fun moment where my body (my kink and my sexuality) did not agree with my brain.
A: Ahhhh, anxiety. It fucking sucks. When I was younger anxiety used to come with bouts of really intense and violent depression, but I’m kind of glad to say that at thirty I’m just experiencing the panic attacks and total meltdowns (which in the scheme of things are not anywhere near as bad). This weekend was supposed to be me back to normal. I had a to-do list to tackle of pretty awesome stuff, I had my weekend planned out well, and started it off on the right foot on Friday by ticking absolutely everything off on my list.
On Saturday I didn’t do as well, but I did get 4k words down for my next book and I was damn proud of myself for that. In fact, I left in a pretty good mood on the way to the Dom’s house. We had dinner, had some sexy fun, and crashed.
Then, on Sunday morning (mere minutes after I woke up) the Dom started talking to me about how we hadn’t seen much of each other during my stressed out/panicky weeks, and that he wanted to spend more time with me. Now, we’d had some spectacular sex, a lot of fun, a delicious dinner, and my body/my kink/my appreciation of the relationship we have/allll of that was saying “Yes! This sounds great! I like this idea!”.
But as he kept talking my brain started to spiral. It started listing all of the things on my to-do list for that weekend (of which I wasn’t even 1/3 of the way done), then it started to list all of the things I need to do this week, this month, this year, and calculating what would happen to me if all of the times HE was listing for us to spend together actually happened.
So, I did what any normal sub/girlfriend does when her Dom/boyfriend says he wants to spend more time with her because he enjoys being around her – I hyperventilated, starting crying, and walked around the house completely nude trying to choke in air while waving him away every time he tried to touch me.
You know… the sexiest of all responses.
It was a fucking mess, and it took a long while for me to calm down, which meant that by the time he coaxed me into a shower like some kind of feral creature he discovered roaming the woods behind his beautiful new house … I’d wasted most of the morning. So, I couldn’t stop crying in the shower. I forgot how to shower for a few minutes and just stared at the shampoo/conditioner completely overwhelmed by the idea of washing my own hair. He made us coffee and breakfast while I managed to remember the basics of hygiene, and I left the shower like a damn catatonic zombie because somewhere in the depths of my non-responsive brain I was doing what I usually do when I’m in full-on meltdown mode…
I was calculating.
Calculating the number of hours I’d spent crying that morning, calculating my average word count per hour which told me how far I was behind on my word count for the weekend. Then I started calculating that if I left his house right then how long it would take me to get home, and if I should run some of those errands on my to-do list, or get to my writing to try and catch up. Which resulted in me standing in a towel in his living room frozen because my brain couldn’t calculate the greatest ROI (return on investment) for the time I had left on Sunday.
What ended up happening was my Dom worried about me, he felt terrible for sending me into a damn tailspin when I was just coming back to my functional level of being a real person, me refusing to eat/drink, and by the time I did get home I was so fucking useless that I literally curled in a ball in my bed and watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix while doing absolutely nothing else. (Which is a fantastic show btw, and I give it a 10/10 for watching during a mild nervous breakdown, or re-breakdown, or whatever).
And now you know why I didn’t post an ‘Ask Me Anything’ yesterday, which was definitely one of my to-do list items that did not get done.
I had some people surprised last week when I shared my struggles, because mental stuff is something we don’t often address, but I had even more people reach out to tell me it helped. So instead of writing something clever or funny on why I missed yesterday’s post, or haven’t replied to messages/emails, I decided to be honest.
I’m better than I was during my social media break, I promise, but if yesterday taught me anything it’s that I’m not completely well yet – but that’s okay. It is okay. And I will be okay… eventually. The Dom has been checking on me all day, I’ve had friends cheering me up with good news and messages, and I’ve got a ton of work done at the day job today.
Personally, I’m looking forward to the day when my brain steps back from the edge. I’m sure it will happen when my to-do list is a little lighter, and I get out some of the BIG writing projects I have this year that are looming over me.
I adore you lovelies, especially for caring about my crazy. It’s pretty awesome to have.