It’s Ask Me Anything time again! Today, I’m answering a question that was sent to me on Facebook about subspace. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here.
Q: What is subspace like?
A: I actually had a different post planned for today (you’ll get that one next week now!) but yesterday I had someone on Facebook send me a message asking if I could define subspace, and I did my best to give them my answer as to what subspace is like, but then I thought it would be a good topic to have in this AMA collection. I’d like to remind everyone reading that this is just my perspective on it. Subspace may feel similar or vastly different to what I describe, but I will say that no matter who I’ve heard describe it – it’s so, so lovely. ^_^
Wait, what the fuck is subspace?
Okay, so for those just dipping their toes into the BDSM community, you may be asking what the hell I’m even talking about, so I’m going to steal a quick medical explanation from submissive guide, because they can toss around the scientific jargon (and save me the effort of a lot more research than I need to do since this already exists: here). Subspace is a state that submissives can reach during an intense scene with their Dominant partner. “During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response, produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense. Producing a sort of trance-like state due to the increase of hormones and chemicals, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives once reaching a height of subspace will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimuli causes the period to prolong.”
What does all ^that^ scientific jargon mean in plain English? Basically, when you experience pain and pleasure together (and you are someone who has at least some level of enjoyment from both) your body can get all kinds of crossed-wires in the brain, dump a bunch of happy chemicals into your brain, and it’s phenomenal.
Alright, so what do you think it feels like?
In short, the best thing ever.
Subspace is the primary reason I think I’m such a masochist/painslut. I’m high-strung pretty much all the time because of my type-A personality, which means that if I’m not going 100mph in my life in all areas I basically feel like a useless sack of flesh. The clear downside to being this kind of type-A is that I’m almost constantly stressed out and I never relax. My Dom likes to point out that the bar I set for myself is so high that it’s impossible to reach, and I usually respond that if it was achievable I’d be bored to fucking tears. But, being constantly stressed and having your brain constantly telling you the endless list of shit you should be doing is exhausting.
When I play (specifically pain-based play) I’m just like everyone else in the world that at first my body panics. A lot of people seem to assume that masochists/painsluts just don’t have pain receptors, but we ABSOLUTELY do. Taking a cane strike feels like taking a cane strike, whether or not you’ve got some crossed wires that let you enjoy the after-effects of the pain a little differently than other people. Our bodies are meant to urge us, sometimes aggressively, to avoid pain. It becomes a situation of mind over matter at first, the cane lands, there’s that beat of nothing at all, and then searing fiery pain in a perfect line that slowly spreads out. It’s in that moment where the pain has peaked and the sensation starts to spread into a dull ache that the body tries to give you a little chemical nudge to depress the pain that you’re still actually feeling in the form of endorphins and enkephalins – basically, happy free all-natural brain drugs. While in a normal session this allows you to keep taking the pain, the real magic is when all those chemicals build, and build, and build, and then suddenly you’re so soaked in them that your body/brain gets so confused that it actually does stop processing pain in the normal way.
That is subspace. You still feel the cane land, you’re aware on some level that there was pain, but the drug cocktail of your brain makes it just a blip on the radar. On top of that, because more pain stimuli were introduced, your brain produces more of the chemicals, and the effect just amplifies and amplifies.
For me, entering subspace is that instant where I go from tense and fighting to hold whatever position he’s put me in so I can keep taking the spanking/belt/crop/cane, then I find myself leaning back into the strikes for a moment (when the high starts to take over), and then I sort of feel like everything melts. Like the way you feel after a really good massage, just languid and soft and warm. Each new strike sends you further out into subpsace, and it is a perfect place where my brain is blissfully empty and quiet. Where I feel safe and protected and cared for, because I know my Dom is watching out for me and that knowledge allows me to let go and just… float.
That sounds… awesome. How do I do it?
Well, there’s a few things to understand here that I feel like I need to say. For subspace to take over, you really do need something to induce all the chemicals described above. I’ve heard that some people can get into subspace just from really really intense submissive experiences (that don’t include pain), but I’ve never had that. Reaching subspace is a challenge, and many people miss out on experiencing it, because of the body’s fight or flight response. And here is where I want you to please listen to me very carefully – at all times, if you feel the pain is too much and you are concerned for your safety, you should absolutely safeword. Trying to reach subspace should not put your health and safety in jeopardy, and you and only you know how much pain you can take. For a first timer trying to reach subspace, I would beg you to attempt with something like a spanking or a flogger. Flogger subspace seems to be the easiest for most people to enter, and it’s the most “gentle” in my opinion, and pretty fucking phenomenal. However, no matter what, you take care of yourself first. Safeword if you need to, for your own sake and your Dom’s (because they’ll feel like absolute shit if you let them really hurt you).
So, back to the fight or flight response. Before all those happy chemicals start to compound in your head, you’re going to feel panic. It’s your body’s way of saying what the fuck, this hurts, get the hell out of here, and you know what? That’s a good thing. That’s the reason we’re still alive as a species! Yay for fight-or-flight! The problem is when we’re trying to be our naughty, kinky selves and just want to get our ass belted for a bit, and our body pulls the fire alarm like we’re about to be mauled by a fucking bear. You will feel panic, you may break position because your body’s urge to “RUN, NOW!” is so strong your body literally tries to throw you into action (it happens, especially with high or sudden pain experiences) – the real challenge is the old mind-over-matter mantra. It’s forcing yourself through the fight or flight instincts to hold position, to shiver or shake if you need to as you ride the initial wave(s) of adrenaline, to breathe and accept that the pain exists, and hold on.
I’m not even going to pretend that’s easy, and I sincerely wish I had a better explanation for it. I also won’t pretend that everyone is capable of taking pain in such a way to reach subspace. I’m a masochist, and I always have been. I had issues when I was younger because pain has always given me a little rush as soon as it passes, and that rush is what I chase all the time. There’s this little bite of bliss after the agony – and subspace is the gigantic ice cream sundae after all the little bites build up. It is, to this day, the most perfectly peaceful experience in my life, and it’s why BDSM is something I cannot live without. It’s also why my alpha-male, super-sadist of a Dom is perfect for me. We both play hard, because he gets his own high from the experience, and it works out magically.
But remember, subspace can be very dangerous.
Remember that little line towards the beginning of this post about subspace being kind of a morphine-like drug? That thing about detaching from reality, and blah blah blah? Well, that can be a pretty fucking big deal when you’re in a situation with a serious implement. Every single Dominant has the responsibility of A) knowing the signs of subspace, B) understanding what their sub can take safely, and C) knowing when to fucking stop. Because, here’s the deal lovelies, the sub will not stop the session after they’re in subspace. The submissive is off in floaty la-la land and at that point the Dom could keep going until their arm fell off with whatever implement they’re using, and each new introduction of pain would only push the submissive farther and farther into subspace.
BDSM is dangerous, I’m sure we all know that. Hitting anyone with anything is in general not the best idea. There are good reasons for this. Our skin and muscles get damaged when we hit them. It’s why we get bruises, it’s why we can have muscle tears and tendon tears. It’s why pain responses and fight-or-flight responses fucking exist – it’s our body trying to protect itself. But, when we play around with it and override all those very smart signals, we stop getting them. Which means we stop protecting ourselves.
A good Dom will recognize the physical shift as the sub “drops” into subspace. I think they call it a drop because of that sudden physical languor that hits as the chemical cocktail takes over, I know that I’ve been told I physically drop as all the tension melts out of my muscles. Now, the Dom shouldn’t just end the scene, they need to let the sub enjoy subspace, give them enough to drag it out for a bit, but subspace is not the time to ramp up the action. It’s the time for the Dom to watch very very carefully, and after the sub has spent some fun time in la-la land, slowly wind down the session. My Dom likes to switch from harder implements to something like a flogger, and then something like a soft mitt or a fuzzy flogger that just continues to provide sensation, but not anything that could damage me since I’m not going to react if it did actually damage me in some way.
- SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: If you can’t trust your partner to take care of you in this way, please do not attempt subspace.
Then what?
I think aftercare is even more important post-subspace than just a regular session. You’re so out of it that you may fall asleep as soon as the sensation ends, or you may get really emotional as your body tries to process the chemicals flooding it. Many people can get very cold and start shivering (I’m like this) and so, again, the Dom has to be very aware and very confident in handling it. They need to wrap you in a blanket/put you in bed, and provide physical contact. A lot of Doms (including mine) will just start talking to help bring the sub back “up” from subspace. As wonderful as subspace is, the coming out of it part can be very nice too. Listening to your Dom tell you how wonderful you did, how you’re a good girl, how happy you made them, and lots of other lovely things is something fantastic to come back to reality hearing. The timeline on coming up changes person-to-person and scene-to-scene. I’ve been up and around in fifteen minutes, and there was one time after a caning that I fell asleep in the playroom and he woke me up three hours later with bourbon and dinner already made. The most important thing is that they stay with you until you’re okay, and keep an eye on you.
That means the next 48 hours too. A good Dom will probably check-in waiting to see if you “drop”. I can talk more about sub drop on another post sometime, but the most important thing to know about sub drop is that over the next 48 hours you can have a sudden response to the loss of allllll those brain chemicals. It can show up as exhaustion, suddenly being emotional/irritable, or even feeling depressed. There are things that can help: my Dom always sends me to work/back home with a 5-hour energy to take if I feel it coming on, and he sends me messages checking in and reminding me of how much he enjoyed the session/how much he appreciates my submission and me. Just remember that if you feel sub drop, the first thing you should do is reach out to your Dom for that confirmation that everything is okay – it really does help. (And I promise to put sub drop as a more extensive post some time).
Alright, lovelies, this one was soooooo long but I realized I’d never written about it and since it likes to show up in books and discussions a lot, I felt like subspace needed to be a talk for all of us. I hope you enjoyed this! Please comment here, or on FB, and tell me what you thought, and send me more questions/suggestions for posts!
I’m always here for you to ask me anything,
I have a couple of questions re:subspace.
I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening or what is actually happening. I am trying to read up on it but it is not any clearer. I’m hoping you can bare some light in it for me.
Of course! What questions do you have? I can try to answer!
Hello i am new to BDSM. I was introduce by my new boyfriend. I have been reading upon it. What i am trying to understand is what is the difference between being a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship or being a DOM/ Submissive. I am confuse in understanding what is the difference. Sorry i have never even heard of the lifestyle.
Everyone defines those things with their partner. You’ll have to decide how much power exchange (dominance or submission) you want in your relationship. Just like how people interact as a boyfriend/girlfriend varies from couple to couple, the same is true for dom/submissive. Talk things out, try things and discuss them after, and you’ll write your boundaries together. Just remember that being the submissive never means that you have to sex yes, consent is always the name of the game! <3
During our sessions I seem to do great to a certain point then I feel like I’m going to faint. I can still talk but it takes a lot of effort and I’m light headed. I can hear but it’s like I’m in a tube and everything sounds hollow or distant. I usually need help to sit down (happens only when I’m standing) After a few minutes I’m ok but can’t continue with any standing play. I then move to a special table and lay down. There we can continue and it doesn’t happen again? My question is, is this subspace or am I just fainting from pain? I tried to look up signs of subspace. In some articles I think yes it is but in others I’m like nope. Before it happens something intense is being done (like a lot of pain) and I just start thinking it doesn’t hurt, don’t focus on the pain, think of the pleasure your giving, go to your happy place. Then things start to go hazy. Any clarification would be great.
I always eat a good meal before play so I knusmy glucose is ok.
Thanks for taking the time to listen
Jill
Hey Jill! Honestly, that could be quite a few things. Sometimes (especially in standing positions) when you’re in pain and your body is doing a lot of different things at once, you can experience a drop in blood pressure (which would cause the dizzy/fainting feeling), and you can also just faint from pain/excitement/chemical overload/etc. There’s so much happening in a pain-based session that the smart thing to do is just listen to your body and do what you can to keep blood-flow going (i.e. don’t lock your knees, flex your limbs as often as possible to keep bloodflow traveling, etc). This can be especially important on something like a whipping post or cross where your arms are above your head, clenching and releasing the grip with your fists can encourage the blood to keep pumping. Also, make sure you’re eating something with enough caloric energy (or at least drinking some juice) because you could be bottoming-out on blood sugar during the sudden adrenaline rushes from pain if you’re just eating something light/empty like a salad.
To be honest, due to the fainting elements it doesn’t sound quite like sub-space to *me* but it can feel different to everyone! I feel more like my head is swimming, or that I’m a little tipsy/high. It’s more dreamy than faint-like (for me).
The most important thing is to LISTEN to your body though, and be very clear when you need to come down. Losing consciousness in a session is never a good idea, especially if you’re tied to something where you may accidentally injure yourself if you lose consciousness. Play safe, lovely. <3
From a medical/scientific standpoint, what you may be experiencing is called orthostatic hypotension. Basically, it’s a very rapid drop in blood preassure. Many, many things can precipitate it, and yoir pain response may very well be one. To prevent this from happening I would recommend drinking lots of water beforehand, and when you feel light headed or like you will pass out, drink water again before you continue to play. Your Dom should be able to incorporate this into the scene if necessary. Also, eating very salty food before your scene might help keep your blood pressure from dropping.
Hope this might help!
Hi Lovely!!!
I’ve had a couple of experiences where after some intense play (rough without a lot of pain though, lots of dom talk and edging though) I feel very spacey(in a good way) and like my mind is just quiet and incredibly calm, I know subspace is different for everyone but do you think that that’s what it is?
My partner and I are just getting into this kind of thing and i’m incredibly grateful for your blog honestly!! I’ve been trying to find some more stuff about it but nothing ever really speaks to me like your description of subspace does! The calmness and quietness of your mind, that’s exactly how i feel after
Yes! That absolutely sounds like subspace, and it means so much to me that my blog is helping you explore this. Subspace is so freaking special and magical and if you’re just starting out and already able to hit it with your partner, it sounds like you two are very lucky to have each other. <3 Feel free to message me anytime, lovely!
I just wanted to thank you for this well written and informative article. The scientific explanation helped me a lot after an odd experience post session that I was wracking my brain to figure out what we did that caused the issue. It was a normal session for us, with nothing new or dangerous. I’m one of those subs you mentioned that doesn’t need much pain and can get there with an intense dom *laughs*. I often enter this sort of fugue state that I’ve identified as the line before dropping. I have the floaty feeling starting but not the euphoria and total physical laxness that is subspace for me. But we’ve not really been able to get me fully there more than once, and so my dom didn’t notice the drop and I couldn’t exactly communicate this. The session didn’t last long after, but the intensity didn’t drop. He finished, and started right on our normal after care, but as soon as my brain noticed the session end, my chest filled with panic and I had a full anxiety attack: tears, not being able to breathe, the works. He properly cared for me and brought me down, but he was really concerned that it was something specific where he went too far, and if I held back from using a safe word at any point of the session. I legitimately didn’t recall anything like that, that didn’t sit right, so I was just as confused as him.
While reflection and talking about the session, I decided to research subspace some more and lo and behold this lovely article. I really like that you went into the science behind it. It really explains it so much better than the guesswork I was doing. So again, thanks so much~ I’ll need to go check out your other posts now :D
Awww!! I’m so glad this helped! That’s all the AMAs are supposed to do, and I’m so glad you have a good Dom who provided the aftercare I’m sure you’ve needed. I’ve had panic attacks before too and they’re never fun. <3 Hope to hear more from you, lovely! Never hesitate to email me directly too! jbeneauthor@gmail.com
I have been a sub to my Sir for almost 20 years. Sir has not always been agreeable. He use to see this as abuse. So Sir has been in this about a month. I experienced sub space the first time yesterday. Today I feel wretched. None the less, I do question when coming down from sub space, why would I feel rage? It was so strange really. Is there something I can do to eliminate this rage upon discovering myself not in sub space anymore?
Hi lovely! I think you have to remember that the way we experience sub drop is different for everyone. I highly recommend reading through my AMA on sub drop to help understand why rage could be one of the feelings coming up after you leave subspace. You’re without all of those warm and happy chemicals and you’re having to wait for your body to restore them! Creating a self-care kit, or having a plan with your Sir so that you feel comforted and safe post-subspace is going to help, but it still may not eliminate the feelings. Just remember that it’s completely natural, and it WILL pass. <3 And, of course, keep playing and experiencing! I’m so glad you’re both exploring D/s after so long together, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship!
My question is related to non-pain subspace. How long can a sub remain in subspace? If there is no physical danger and needs are taken care of within the context of play can a sub just stay in subspace indefinitely? I’m thinking specifically of pet play. Your article is well written and informative, but I am interested in the question of duration.
Let’s say a sub is in subspace as a pup over a long weekend and all the activity they need for physical survival is carried out as part of the scene/play? For instance they need to eat and that’s provided with a nutritional meal in a bowl. Rewards in training are human edible. Bathroom break is provided outdoors if there’s enough property or inside in a litter box. There’s a doggy bed/mattress on the floor in the Dom’s bedroom, etc.
Is it possible to have a sub just remain in subspace as long as nothing jars him out of it or the Dom doesn’t bring him out? I’ve never seen this brought up and am curious.
Thank you.
This is a great question, and while I never claim to be an expert, I think that we only know the possibilities when we experience them. While (as a masochist) I only hit subspace during pain play, I’ve talked with other submissives who reach that state of mind through deep submissive experiences. I think pet play would qualify as that, and so, as you said, if a sub’s needs were taken care of by the Dom and their sub never lost their “headspace” I see no reason why that wouldn’t be possible! Obviously, you’re not dealing with the same levels of chemical depletion that happen during pain play, as that has to do with the body’s response, but the sub’s ability to make decisions / evaluate themselves / etc. could still be compromised due to their mental state. I think the longer that state continued, the more attentive the Dom would need to be as the sub could become dependent on the Dom to direct things that have become a part of the submission. I’ve never done it, and so I’m speaking in mostly assumptions based on discussions with other submissives – but BDSM is definitely not an exact science, and each and every person is different! GREAT QUESTION, LOVELY!
I have a question. Have been reading a number of articles and have not found my issue addressed. When being vibrated by my Dom or fingered, I have this feeling of climbing to a clif and teetering on the edge. Then with some concentration I fall off the cliff and float. Is this sub space? If it is how do I make this falling easier. It takes a lot to fall off the cliff. Afterwards I am very weak I can not stand my arms and legs feel like jello. He holds me under a blanket rubbing me until we agree it is time to get up. My Dom is a wonderful lover and we have been together nearly 45 years.
It could be subspace or just a really amazing orgasm! The real difference in subspace is that the chemical haze usually lasts for a bit and can distort perceptions of sensations. Only you could be the real judge though, lovely!
So my question is, does your staying despite the “fight or flight” mode being triggered makes it less effective overtime? Like when it is time to actually need the fight or flight technique, you’d stay still and not react as you are supposed to because, well, that’s what you have trained yourself do react when you it is triggered.
I haven’t found that at all because the situation is completely different. I have developed a higher pain tolerance in general, but my reaction time to situations has not been affected!
Great read, answered all my questions. My husband and i are new to this type if play/lifestlye and interested in the experiance. Your blog was very informative in what to do, and not to do for first timers
I’m so glad you found it helpful, lovely! Researching + exploring together is so awesome, and I wish you both the best. ^_^
Is it possible for someone to be pushed so far into sub space that they stay there never to return? Do you know if anything like that has ever has happened? Sounds like with right person (or maybe the wrong person) it would be easy to push a person beyond the ‘event horizon’ in to a place they would never come back from.
Not that I’m aware of, but I’m not a doctor or a psychologist! Anything is possible, I’m sure, but BDSM should always be taken with care.
I loved your post. It was very spot on to my first experience with my dom. And subspace is the most beautiful, amazing experience I have ever felt. Thank you for sharing!
Subspace is totally fantastic! I’m so glad you got to experience it, and that you’ve looked into resources so you can always know what’s happening in your body. BDSM is the best, right? :D
I think I entered subspace by myself one time but I’m not entirely certain so I thought I should ask. I had a very painful physical experience one time which, I THINK, dropped me into subspace:
All pain stopped, I felt high, and everything whited out, even my vision. It was as if I was dropped in a silent white room. My mind literally had no thoughts, just calm, clear, and I felt like I was floating in a different reality. It felt so pure, just amazing. Almost like I’d reached an enlightened state of mind. My body felt like a wet noodle, zero tension.
Took me awhile to return to reality, then I felt very exhausted and sore afterwards but my God, it was the most amazing, surreal experience. Was that subspace?
It definitely sounds similar! Obviously not safe to really do on your own because there’s no external party making sure you’re okay, but I hope you managed to provide yourself some self-care after you came out of it. :)
Great article! As I am getting into BDSM and am wanting to explore my own limits and possibilities, I very much appreciated your thoughtful and well written views and experiences.
As I’m a bit cautious by nature, and also do lots of research before embarking on experiments, I’ve been reading up on solo BDSM and thinking about what I’d like to try.
Your article prompts me to ask whether someone like myself – who will be engaging in solo play – could drop into the subspace you’re describing. Or, is a partner prerequisite?
I’d be grateful for any advice and leads that I might follow.
While I’ve never personally experience subspace without a partner, I’m of the mindset that you can “never say never” when it comes to BDSM. Subspace is such a deeply personal thing that there’s really no “rules” about how it happens, or doesn’t happen. I think the main difference if you did hit subspace on your own, is that the play would (obviously) be over, and you’d kind of wind down on your own, since subspace sort of makes you loopy and you wouldn’t maintain the concentration to continue whatever was going on. Still, as long as you’re being safe when you’re trying things solo, I say good luck, lovely!
Have you ever experienced memory loss as a part of subspace? I’m pretty sure what I’ve been experiencing would be considered a drop into subspace but I’m also not really able to remember much from the scene after reaching that point. My partner states that I have some pretty physical reactions and that even my eyes look different. Just wondering if that’s normal haha
I think “memory loss” is a little too strong of a phrase, but I do always get hazy when it comes to subspace. So I’m definitely not going to remember everything perfectly once I’m riding that chemical high! If you can’t remember anything at all, definitely be careful that you’re not losing consciousness at some point and be sure that your partner is paying attention, lovely! Your safety is most important!
This was a great description! I am completely brand new to the lifestyle (like a month old) and I’m pretty sure my role (based on a couple tests and how I feel in general) is some version of sub. I’m slowly easing myself into finding out my likes, dislikes and finding partners to play with. A few days ago I went to an event at a playhouse and was flogged/spanked for the first time by a Dom I’d had a connection with a party I’d gone to previously. It was somehow both painful and glorious at the same time. I was nervous and confused by what I felt as that type of impact play had never EVER appealed to me (more into electric and wax). After it was over the Dom rubbed me and kissed all over and kept telling me what a good job I did. I felt like I was floating! I sure I was more stumbling than anything. The sub that he’s in a relationship looked at me and told the friend I was there with that I was in subspace and look as if I was about to drop. This was the first time I had heard any of those words! “What is subspace?” I couldn’t even be bother to panic as I was SUPER relaxed and ready to go to sleep! So I’ve been looking up books and articles on ways to be a good sub and what subspace actually is and this article is perfect! It’s the best description of what I felt I’ve read about so far! Thank you for also sharing the dangers as well as this will help me in my search to find a wonderful Dom of my own!
I am so glad this helped you, lovely!! And congratulations on looking into the lifestyle and finding something that makes you so happy, I wish you all the best! <3
I used to be into BDSM years ago, but got out of it and my spouse is vanilla. I miss it sometimes, so I’m exploring some solo play. Is it possible to hit subspace in solo play, and if so, how might I go about it? Thank you, love this blog.
Sorry about commenting twice, I didn’t catch the error in my email address until after I’d hit the button.
No worries, lovely! I kept this one for you. <3 I think anything is possible in BDSM, especially if you’re able to let go and relax into subspace on your own. I’ve never tried it myself, but no one else in the world knows your kinks quite like you do so if you’re exploring it… it’s possible! If you succeed, I’d love to chat about it! Email me if you discover any solo-play fun, or if you wanted to cowrite an AMA on it!
I am the girlfriend of a dom that has a sub. He asked me to come back to our hotel after he and his sub had “daddy” time. Their words. I dont do bdsm. Why is it awkward? I feel like I am intruding. I was expected to sit and color with them. She is also a little. Then we all crawled into bed and he fell asleep.
I think you have to talk about this with your boyfriend. If participating in their kink makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn’t have to be involved. Boundaries can be really important in a relationship, especially when any kind of kink is involved. I wish you luck, lovely!
Hi, I read your post just after a weird experience…and I would like to well…I don’t even know…
May I ask you sth about subspace…?
Of course! You can always email me directly as well. It takes me a while to respond sometimes, but I always eventually do, lovely! <3
Hi, thank you for this great article! I’ve recently had a weird experience during an intense spanking session, and I’ve been wondering if what I experienced was subspace or something else. I’m still not clear on it. It was mostly like what you describe, except I wouldn’t describe it as pleasant at all, so maybe it was something else? We had been going for quite a while with a number of implements and then the spanking got even more intense, and I remember considering if I should safeword or not, because it was getting too much (but still just about bearable, so didn’t say it yet). And then suddenly I sort of spaced out. I wasn’t unconscious, I think I was even still thrashing around, but it was like I was out of my body. I didn’t feel the pain anymore, and it was like I was barely conscious, but I didn’t feel “high”, at least not in a good way. I came back down from that the moment my dom talked to me, Afterwards I felt really really exhausted and emotional and vulnerable, and I regretted not saying the safeword when I first thought about it. I’m new to this whole thing, so I’m still trying to figure out where my limits are and what I’m comfortable with. Unfortunately this wasn’t a dom I was familiar with, it was an experience I paid for, so I had to leave right away. I felt so disoriented that I had to sit in a nearby park for an hour before I was even capable of making my way home. Do you think that was subspace/subdrop? Or does it sound like something else?
I’m very sorry I didn’t reply to this earlier, lovely! It was a very hard year for me last year, and I stepped away from my website for a bit.
Now, subspace can be very different for everyone. I think it’s easier to enjoy something like that when you’re with someone you know well and trust because you’re making yourself very vulnerable when you “space out” like that, and that could have led to the uncomfortable feelings you had. It also sounds like afterward you experienced some subdrop, which also wouldn’t make you think of the experience very positively. Please remember that every scene is different, and we can have positive experiences one time, and not-so-great ones the next time. The key to all of it is communication, even if you’re in a situation like this one again. Take the time after the scene to get some aftercare and discuss how you felt, and hopefully you’ll get some support. If not, make sure you’re prepared at home with a “subdrop kit” where you can provide some self-comfort. **HUG** No matter what, remember you’re worthy of love and exploring this lifestyle safely!
Omg Thank You for this article. I needed it and your others last night was my first experience of sub activity, my pain threshold is low but I was surprised to find myself not reacting to the spanking as I thought I would, it was a very intense session (for me at least) and my Dom put me to bed and wrapped me up b4 leaving, but gosh I felt like I was dying last night… I was cold and shivering I could feel full body tremors for Hours (I also bled a bit) I was so tired which has continued today tired, moving at slower pace etc
I also read your article about failure as I send Dom text talking of not continuing not cause I didn’t want to but because I wanted him to be better satisfied, someone with higher pain threshold.
Your articles were brillant and I look to reading more.
I had a time during t intensity where my mind was utterly blank.. My Dom wouldn’t allow me to close my eyes only look at him, it took all my focus. Like fuzzy in my head,Could that be subspace?
I’m very sorry I didn’t reply to this earlier, lovely! It was a very hard year for me last year, and I stepped away from my website for a bit. As far as your comment — first, I’m so glad that the articles helped you. That’s exactly what I want them to do! It sounds like you experienced subdrop, which is something that many people encounter, and if you felt fuzzy / dizzy that could absolutely be subspace. The body is a fascinating thing, and when we’re involved in a BDSM scene it’s the mind + body combined that give us results. Always protect yourself, take care of yourself, and communicate! You deserve to enjoy yourself, lovely.
Hello, I have always been a Dom amd done things as far as the bdsm goes however in my current relationship my sub/little has given me a lot of responsibility which im perfectly capable of handleing amd more than happy to be allowed such control I was just curious from a submissive perspective with giving your Dom control over alot of things in your life etc. what initially is the sub getting out of the lack of control, ive asked how it makes them feel however they dont have to many or descriptions besides happy and im just trying to be the best Dom/Daddy i can be.
So sorry for the late reply! I think everyone gets something a little different out of giving up control, but in general it allows the submissive to let go. As adults we’re always spinning over all these responsibilities in our minds, what “should” we do, what do we “need” to do, and giving up control / submitting allows that voice in your head to just go quiet for a while. It becomes only about doing what your dominant wants you to do, and it lets the whole world go quiet and peaceful. It’s wonderful! Kudos to you for continuing to try and be the best dom/daddy you can be! You have a very lucky little!
So i think i may have experienced subspace 2x today or close to it but im not quite sure if i did hit it. Everything went away. I heard nothing, saw nothing, no stress, no worries, felt no pain (flogging session) just felt like light tapping on my back like someone knocking. I dont know how long it lasted. But then BAM! I felt everything all of the sudden and it hurt 10x more than before i drifted. He eased up and in a few minutes same thing happened again. With the same jolt out of it.
So my questions:
Did i hit subspace?
What would make me jolt out of it?
Also if it was subspace:
How do i make it last longer?
I want it back and i want it to last longer.
Also during impact play what is a healthy amount of time to be in subspace and how long is too long?
Can it be dangerous to be there too long?
Hey lovely! There’s no way for me to know for sure if you hit subspace, but that does sound like it. As far as getting pulled out, there could have been something happening in your body or the room around you that distracted your mind for a second and when you relaxed again the chemicals took over and you slipped back into subspace. I think the best way to make it last longer is just to stay relaxed and not fight it or think too much about what’s happening, just ride the high! Your dom should always be monitoring your breathing and whether or not you’re still conscious. If your breathing gets too shallow or you start to hyperventilate, he should stop. Same with consciousness! Then just remember to have lots of aftercare, lovely, and enjoy!
As a dom I am wondering how horrendously bad is a dom who has managed to break a little or a pup in their respective head spaces my sub was in a relationship with said dom prior to me and is still struggling with the fact that her last dom had broke two others a little and a pup … I can’t picture how bad that is I love my sub and I want to help her be able to go into her subspaces without fear of having the same thing happen to her any advice would be appreciated
Talk together before you play on what kind of aftercare she needs, especially after subspace because she can have subdrop. There’s another article on my site that covers it and it could be very helpful to you: https://jenniferbene.com/2016/12/ask-me-anything-what-is-sub-drop/