I know I’ve been gone for a long time, and I know that so many of you wonderful lovelies have reached out through FB, Twitter, and email, and I’ve been awkwardly silent. Honestly, I haven’t been on FB at all in over a month. Pretty much the only people who were able to get a peep from me are those who have my cell phone number to text me. And I know I owe you guys at least some semblance of an explanation, so here’s my best attempt (with GIFs where possible).
But for those not in the mood to read about my life, just know I’m sorry I’ve been gone, and know that I’m working to get back on track.
For those who want to, here it is. <3
You know that feeling you get when everything is going great and you start to get really nervous because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop? For something bad to happen to balance out all of the good stuff? Like you’re walking a very thin rope over disaster, just trying to keep everything going so you don’t fall?
No? Well, maybe that’s just me.
I’m a realist, and on the spectrum of optimist to pessimist I generally lean towards cautiously pessimistic to prepare myself for disaster (and it blends oh so seamlessly with my anxiety)… but, whether you’re an optimist / realist / pessimist you probably know what I’m talking about by now, and in December and January I was riding a high like no other. ‘Destruction’ was killing it, people were loving ‘Imperfect Monster’, and we had the next Black Light Roulette box set getting ready to go. I felt amazing. It was like I finally felt like I’d figured out this whole author thing.
On top of that I got a major promotion at work, one I’ve been working towards for three years. It was something I wanted really, really badly because I was already doing so many of the responsibilities – and when the stars suddenly aligned and I got the opportunity (and the job) I felt like I had exploded through Cloud 9 and into the stratosphere of unbelievable good luck.
My kiddo was doing better, my mom was feeling well, everything just seemed to be perfect.
Which, is kind of the issue. I want to be perfect all the time. I hold myself to that, and as many of you know by now, I’ll kill myself to do it. I could almost see it from the very beginning, right after I took the new job at work, because the huge project I was supposed to take on in the role was… much larger than anyone involved had ever expected. It was one of those things where from afar it doesn’t look like such a big deal, kind of like driving in the rain and seeing standing water on the road. It never looks deep, but sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s deep enough to take you, the car, and the road with it.
In Texas they say “turn around, don’t drown” all the time during epic storms, because as humans we have this weird sense of invincibility that we definitely shouldn’t have. We drive the car straight into the water, and realize too late the water is deep, and we’re fucked.
I was drowning pretty soon after I took on the project. We figured out just how screwed we were based on the deadline, and we got to work. Except, this was unlike any other work I’ve ever done for this company. At first it was just stress-filled days that left me exhausted in the evenings, ineffective at pretty much everything except keeping my kid alive. I managed to do a cursory edit on the Thalia series to get it ready for the epic re-release, and my PAs (Michelle Brown and Niki Roge) made miracles happen to help me get those books launched with any kind of fanfare. The covers were gorgeous, people loved them, and then Amazon bitch-slapped many of us into erotica categories (and I still don’t have some of my books fixed) and fucked up the connections on the ebooks to new paperbacks, which took every ounce of energy I had at night to try and fix.
And then things just got worse.
The Dark and the Day Job
As my author stuff fell apart, with no new word counts, falling behind on promises and commitments and fixing KDP issues… work just went to hell. It was like every time we got one thing checked off, two more things exploded. There was always more to be done, and everything was urgent and important and omg on fire, Jen, we need to fix this right now. So, long stress-filled days turned into working nights and weekends. All of my usual “author time” was eaten up by this apocalyptic project that we had to get as close to perfect as possible because every leader in our company was aware of it, talking about it, and waiting for it.
And I was the main person for all of it. The project manager, the senior on it, the owner. I’d volunteered for it, and wanted it… and I still did. I just couldn’t breathe, couldn’t find a single moment to come up for air.
It was a never ending cacophony of chaos that seemed to only get worse and worse. I can’t even explain how stressful it was, how exhausted I was, and how insane I felt to be spending every waking moment of my life on it with the ever looming deadline threatening to ruin everything we’d worked so hard for, threatening to destroy my reputation in this new position before I’d even had the chance to prove myself. I was running on empty, but there was no choice but to keep going.
During this mess we lost several employees on our team at work (people who could have been working on this project). Two got promoted to other positions, one quit, one went out on leave, and one position was never even back-filled from when it went empty last year. Our department had never been so understaffed in three years, and we were working on the largest scale project we had ever attempted in the shortest timeline we’d ever committed to. In the middle of this, my manager also got promoted and I got a new manager, the other manager in our department left, and if you’ve ever worked in a big company you probably have an understanding of the constant hum of internal screaming and anxiety / panic / fear that I lived with for months.
All of the light I’d started the year with was getting blotted out by the darkness, and I was getting sucked into the pit no matter how hard I clawed to stay up, to pull my head above water, and I hadn’t even reached the bottom yet.
You know how people say things get worse before they get better? I hate how fucking true it is.
It had been months of killing myself for this project, and it was set to launch on April 9th. The week before that, I hit the lowest point in my corporate career that I ever have. You see, I don’t write under my real name because I have a day job. I need my day job to pay my bills and take care of my daughter, because I’m a single mom, and I need health insurance, and a car, and an apartment, and currently author income just isn’t reliable enough to do that. So, I protect my corporate career by using a pseudonym. I don’t share my pseudonym with people very often, especially at work, because I don’t want to lose my day job. It has always been my worst fear that somehow my company would find out what I write and either make my job life so uncomfortable I’d have no choice but to leave, or straight up fire me.
But, that’s a ridiculous fear, right? Why would a company care what I do in my personal time?
I’ve seen people rant on social media about how people who write under pseudonyms are fake, or hiding, or whatever… but those people probably aren’t facing the backlash that many of us are.
Before I continue, let’s get one thing straight.
Pseudonyms are Fucking Important
And they should be respected, and protected, and if you are fucking lucky enough to learn the true identity of an author you should understand how precious that knowledge is.
Why am I on this soapbox?
Because the week before my giant monster of a project went live for pilot testing, the week when we were all working long hours to get every last minute thing done, when none of us were sleeping… someone called our anonymous HR report line and reported me for being an author, writing / promoting myself on company time, using company equipment, handing out “pornography”, and a host of other ridiculous accusations that left me stunned and broken by the end of my investigation interview with one of our HR people. Someone who, by the way, I work with regularly in my position at my company.
This person not only revealed my pseudonym, but also provided links to all of my social media, my website, Black Collar Press, and links to my specific books on Amazon. I spent an hour being interviewed by HR about my “sadomasochistic sex books” and being asked whether or not I had ever “pushed pornography” on my coworkers, and a lot of other humiliating and traumatizing shit. This HR coworker of mine has read through my social media accounts and my website. She knows more about me than anyone at my job has any right to know. Then, they took my work laptop to have IT review it to see if I had done any of those things (which I had not), but it meant I wasn’t able to work for an entire night on this insane project, while I waited to see if I’d be fired / written up / etc.
Now, I openly talk about myself here, I write the ‘Ask Me Anything’s to help people, and I do all of that under my pseudonym. I don’t talk about those things at work, I don’t do any of the things I was accused of by a person who was clearly after me for some insane reason, and while I am 99% sure who reported me… I don’t know for sure, and I can’t really say anything else on that topic except that I hope that karma is a bitch.
I was cleared by HR the next day, which was appropriate since I’ve never done anything author related on my work laptop, but as I told a few of my close friends… “You can’t unring a bell.” Whether or not I’ve been cleared of anything wrong at work, I still have to wonder now A) who knows this about me, B) who has looked up my information and now looks at me differently, and finally, C) how will this ultimately affect my career for as long as I have it.
All questions I can’t answer, but honestly, I wish that was all that happened that week.
On top of all the chaos of the actual project and the looming deadline, the nightmare of an HR investigation, and my entire world crumbling around me – the Dom decided that now was the time for me to make a decision on whether or not I could make him a priority in my life.
It hit me out of left field, and was not what I had expected, but we’ve always had the agreement that this was about mutual gratification, and I wasn’t available for him. In fact, I hadn’t been available to him for weeks (between work and getting sick because of work and my kid’s bday and everything else). So, I told him I would think about it and respond after I’d thought about it. And I did, and agreed that we should stop seeing each other because he deserves someone who can spend more time with him than I can. Not sure what that means for the future, and I have no idea what it really means at all actually, I just know that right now I’m too numb and overwhelmed to really process anything.
So, for now at least, the Dom is out of the picture.
Within all of this fucked up mess, my mom’s health has been on a constant rollercoaster of chaotic ups and downs. One of my close friends who was my parent-with-cancer buddy lost her father, and it was a wake-up call that it really does end in death. All of it does. Everything. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, but I’m sure I failed her just as much as I have the Dom, my other friends, and all of you. I was at the hospital with my mom on Tuesday this week looking at how skeletal she looks, how frighteningly frail and thin and weak, and it feels like a constant ticking clock that runs under my whole life.
Because, let’s be honest, none of this is going to matter the day she dies. Not the day job, not authorlandia, not my responsibilities, or my commitments. I’ll function for my kiddo, and that’s it. Everything else is going to dissolve for a little while, and cancer is a blessing and a curse in the sense that I get to say all of the things I want to say to my mom, and I get to take photos, and do things for her, and hold her hand – but I also have to constantly ask myself “Is this it?” every time she gets really sick.
The rollercoaster of that is just one more piece of tinder on the overall dumpster fire that my life has been the last couple of months.
But, now you know why I haven’t been around. Why I’ve been a total ghost, and haven’t responded to your emails or your messages or comments or tags, etc. I am very slowly bringing myself back to reality, but reality is new and different now. So many things have shifted and changed. Work is a very different landscape, my home life is changing, my world is just… different, and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with all of it.
Just know that even when I disappear, I’m never ungrateful for everything you guys have done for me. You guys make all of this possible, and even the fact that you care when I disappear is incredibly uplifting and warming. I hope to one day be a full-time author so that my pseudonym doesn’t matter quite so much, and then we can all look back on this dumpster fire and laugh about how terrified I was to lose my day job (or at least I can dream about it, right? borrow a little optimism from the optimists?).
The world is a pretty screwed up place, but at least we always have each other. We always have our tribe here that never judges us, or tries to ruin our lives, or tells us to pretend we’re okay when we’re definitely not. Because it’s okay to not be okay sometimes, it’s okay to be a dumpster fire sometimes, and it’s okay to disappear when we need to and come back when we’re ready.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn.”
Here’s to the coming dawn, lovelies.
I am sorry to hear about the rough time you have had. Each thing on its own would be bad enough, but to put it all together? Insane. I wish your Dom would have been a little more supportive for you. It seems like he pick the worst time imaginable to push for more and I find that a little selfish. Hope you moms doing ok. My husband is almost 2 years cancer free. ( fingers crossed ) Don’t know what to say about the job or the jealousy of other people trying to bring you down when you feel adrift at sea and treading water for so long you’re beyond exhausted. I like to think that what comes arou d goes around! Sorry you got outta at work for your writing. You are an amazingly talented writer and I wait in eager anticipation for the next book. I have most of yours already. Your readers will still be here when your ready. Keep your chin up. We are here for you for more than the words you put in your books. Best wishes, positive thoughts and energy from me to you!
Thank you so much for saying that, Heidi! <3 It’s been one of my biggest worries that after doing so well at the beginning of the year, this extended absence would screw it all up, on top of the rest of the chaos. It’s been a huge relief, and so comforting, to have so many people be there like a big safety net of hugs as I’ve come back. I am so so grateful. <3
Sub or not your child is your top priority. Taking care of you is a huge part of that. . I am am a newbie to authorland but also struggle as a single mom that has 3 kids……2 with chronic medical issues. What you write is fiction and is not what you have done , not that its antones business. You got this babe. I have had similar things going on with no family support while struggling w to write my second book being released soon. You got this!!! Do it and life at your pace. Haters get karma slaps all the time.
I’m wishing you all the luck, lovely! Being a single parent of one is hard enough, and I am lucky that she is healthy, I can’t imagine the strength it takes for you to be the incredible mom you are to three children, especially when two need extra TLC. Just know, if you ever need a boost for a book release, just drop it in my email and I’ll share it and send you out in my newsletter. We’ve all got to support each other, or we don’t get anywhere. <3 Keep fighting right with me, and I know we’ll both make it, lovely!
One thing at a time, one day at a time, hour by hour. You’re a wonderful person with good intentions and a beautiful mindset even if that means you’re pessimistic at times. And because of that, you’re going to come out on top. We’re here for you, all of us. ❤️
Take your time with each part of your life, and right now, mom is most important. Everything else is background noise.
You are so awesome to read this and even comment. <3 I am so damn lucky to have found you in authorlandia! Thank you lady!
Jen,
I am so sorry life is such a clusterfuck right now but you are correct in saying life is always darkest just before the dawn. Concentrate on yourself, your child and your Mom. Everything else is secondary, including a Dom. When you see the light at the end of the tunnel it will be glorius and uplifting. Bigger and better things lie in store for you. Tie that proverbial knot and hang on tight sweetheart!!! This too shall pass!
Thank you so much <3 <3 That’s exactly what I’m doing!
Oh, sweetling, I am holding you in my heart. <3 Ceci
Thank you so much! <3 You’re always wonderful.
I’m terribly sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be the subject of an HR investigation for what they do in their personal time. Author pseudonyms are critically important. It’s horrifying that a co-worker felt that it was in some way okay to break your pseudonym. Although you’ve been cleared, I think you’re right to wonder if this will affect your career, and this might not be the worst time to send out some CVs/look for a new job, even though that’s more stress, more things to think about and do, when you already have too much on your plate. Sorry, but having worked in corporate America for far too long, I know how decisions are made, and it’s not always on a logical, unbiased basis. You may be carrying this around for as long as you work for the same organization, even though you were cleared. :(
Good luck getting back on the horse and I hope this doesn’t sour your love of writing.
I know, right now I’m just going to work on building my author career in case that happens. <3 thank you for reaching out, lovely!
so sorry this happened to you darling. I am one of those who believes everything happens for a reason. I believe there is something better out there and this is showing you time to find it. I am asking Mother Karma to crap on the person who felt it necessary to out you for your other life. That is no one else’s business. What we do in our homes and behind closed doors is just that our business. There is a reason you use a pen name or pseudonym…. and that alone is the key. LEAVE My Name and family out of it. I will lift up prayers for your Mom and for you to better times in the coming days. As for the Zon and books placements… they are fighting the never ending battle against Trump so who knows where that is going. I think it is time for our Indies to open their own “Amazon”.
Thank you, lovely! I’m really so touched and heartened by the outpouring of support I’ve received after I was away for so long. It means so much to me that you guys have my back like this, even when I’m behind on publishing books that I know you’re waiting for. To have you guys as friends and not just readers is the best thing ever. <3 Thank you so so much!
I refrained from responding when I first read this, because I was having a hard time processing my reactions. On the one hand I felt a great deal of empathy and hurt for what you went through, and then there was this very real and visceral sense of anger that came to the surface about certain specific things that you wrote about. So much so that even my wife picked up on it. I shared with her your post, and then we spent some time talking about it. I’ve shared with her every book of yours that I’ve bought, and though her tastes are not the same as mine (she’s very much a princess / brat, and not so much into pain / noncon), she recognizes that I have an affinity for the literature that you write, and she can appreciate it at that level. Her takeaway, after we’d talked, was that my anger reaction at you being outed, and then less so but still at some level about your Dom’s timing, was because I treating what you wrote as if it had happened to someone who was a real life friend, rather than a random, unknown person out in the ether of the internet. Essentially, I wanted to lash out at what was happening to you in the same manner I would if these things happened to someone who was a physical personal friend, not just a series of ones and zeros on a page.
“Hey, wait a minute! I am a real person, dammit!” Yeah, we both know that is true, but the ‘real’ you is whatever you’ve given us through your blog, the AMA’s, and all of your social media , and you have total control and agency over that. To be brutally honest I have to take it on blind faith that everything you write is a direct and real reflection of exactly who you truly are, because you need to protect yourself because of your life situation. To achieve that level of protection requires that you conduct your craft behind a pseudonym. And that is how it should be, because God knows if you aren’t protecting yourself, there’s a whole world of people, whether they be asshole co-workers, or internet trolls, who love nothing more than to take your life and personal privacy and shit all over it. But, here’s the thing I find most powerful about all of this, Ms. Bene; even if everything you’ve told us about yourself were a lie, even if all the details were just as carefully crafted as the plot of one of your stories, I would say that none of it matters in the end. Look at what you’ve created. Here we are, all of us who hurt for you, and – yes – even those of us who burn with anger for what has happened to you, and it is all because of what you have shared with us, and how you have shared it. It is the power in the gift of your stories, the power of your words that both inspire us, and give us degrees of comfort that we’re not alone in these crazy, kinky spaces we occupy. You’ve personalized things for us that go beyond wading through the dregs of Fetlife, and acted as a sympathetic fellow-traveler who allows us to feel safe in the things we take pleasure in, and remind us that we are not alone. In short, you have become our friend. And while we cannot force our friendship on you, you’ve opened yourself up to this, given so freely of who you are, and this is the result. So, that’s what my wife helped me to understand. You could be a total fake, a 54 year old basement dwelling man slapping at a keyboard and laughing all the way to the bank at the end of the day. Doesn’t matter. To us you are an incredibly inspiring human being, a person we’d all love to actually be able to sit down across a table and listen to, to laugh with, to enjoy time and company in the presence of. You are our friend. And when friends get hurt, we hurt. And sometimes we get. Fucking. Angry. Because no one wants to see their friend hurt, and in pain.
I live for the day when you can cast aside the pseudonym, and speak to us without that mantle of protection. I freely admit that is a selfish desire. You may never wish to not have that level of anonymity, and I respect your decision if that is the case. But as your friend, I don’t like seeing you vulnerable to the pain and hurt that a pseudonym can’t fully protect you from. I would like to see you free of that.
One day. Something to look forward to, right?
All the best you, and I hope that the coming days will be filled with brightness, happiness, and joy.
Regards,
MSP
MSP, you have totally wow’d me and touched me with this comment, and so I really really hope you see this response, because it absolutely touched me. First, I am so very very grateful to you (and everyone else) that has felt anger and sadness on my behalf in this situation. It really makes me feel so fucking lucky to have such an amazing tribe of people that I’ve found on the internet, whether they originally found me from my books or my AMAs or just a random social media comment, I am so so glad you all did. Especially because, Second, as much as you feel connected to me because of our mutual interests, I feel the same way. I felt so alone for so long with my kinks and the stories in my head (that I thought no one would want to read) and so I can’t even describe how much it means to me as a person, an author, a 31 (almost 32!) year old single mom to know that people give a shit about me and what I go through, even if they haven’t had the chance to meet me at an event and hug me in person. Which, for the record, would be awesome if I could do that with you and your wife as well. I promise we can drink wine and chat about kink, and all the rest. Just please know, that for you to feel this way makes me feel so fucking SAFE in this space, even after it was violated by someone so heartless and cruel. I know that at the end of the day, even if someone chooses to hate me for who I am, I have been lucky enough to gather together some pretty amazing people on the internet (outside of the insanity of fetlife) and be a part of their lives as much as they are a part of mine. So, third, thank you MSP (and your wife) for supporting me across the digital waves. I am working towards making this a full-time thing, where I can be open about who I am, and share pics of me, and not hide behind the anonymity of my logo anymore. But, in the meantime, just know my inbox/FB/comments are always open to incredible people like you, because this tribe is always here for each other, and that works in all directions. <3 Thank you for this, lovely. You absolutely made my night.
PS – We are totally friends. Most of my friends are “internet” friends anyway. ;p
“…so I really really hope you see this response”
:-P
Of course I did! Do you think I am not one of the many of your fans who check their inbox at least once a day to see if there is a notification that you’ve posted something new? :-)
I leave you with this, from my wife:
“Tell her the lights not at the end of the tunnel. Its right there with us always. The trick is not to let the darkness cover it up, but to push it away and let it shine. Oh, and wine. Always wine. :) ”
Be strong!
I agree with all of the above comments. I am sending positive energy and hugs. I love and admire you, your writing, sometimes life sucks, hopefully you’ll do what’s best for you. ????????????????❤️????
Laurel
I think you are a fucking grade-A rockstar for getting through all of these things and keeping your head up! One of them alone would have been enough to throw most people off track. The fact that you had to fight through all of them at once is unfair, but I admire you so much for pushing through and kicking ass regardless. However things turn out, and if you need more time to just do you, know that no matter how long you’ve got to be gone, we’ll still be here, and still be supporting you.
See you around Twitter!
Alecia
Gahhh, thank you, lovely!! <3 I adore you for reading this and even more so for commenting! I swear I don’t know where I’d be without all of the incredible authors I’ve found on social media, and I love our little Twitter tribe. YOU ROCK!
So sad and angry to hear about the person who outed you at work as everyone else has said Karma will come back at them. An old saying is “God pays his debts without money” hopefully that will happen. Take comfort in that all of your readers are patiently waiting and understand some of what you are going through. I have been out of work since July due to various events happening. I am applying for jobs but I have an acquired hearing loss which makes the work I am qualified for virtually impossible. Also although ageism is supposedly not still an issue, I am now beginning to wonder if it is. Unfortunately, I am not clever enough to be an author or I could be at least earning something!!! Take care of yourself and your young one you two are the most important things that matter in your life right now.
I am so soooo grateful that all of you have been patient to wait for me, because I know I should be way ahead on my writing plan for the year – and instead I’m just a giant mess. :( Still, I know that I’ve got so many amazing people at my back and I’m damn lucky for that. I do wish you wouldn’t put yourself down! People have different strengths, but “clever” is not a requirement of being an author! Seek out the innate skills and talents you have, seek out what makes you happy, lovely. It may mean working twice as hard for a while (like me with my two jobs) but it does mean that you may get to a place where you can earn something even when the dark times happen. *HUG* Just know I’ll always be here!
????. Okay, JUST S.T.O.P. I’m sorry your life blow a gasket so to speak. Your friend or co-worker who stuck their nose into your professional business needs to be reprimanded and if I were you I would push almighty HR into it! As for your DOM he needs to be horse whipped for putting his needs before his subs. If there is one thing I have learned from all of you wonderful writers, is that it’s their job to take care of and support their sub. With what you had going on in your life he should have pitched in to help. You are not alone in your challenges but I wish for things to settle a bit for you. Never fear that your readers will abandon you (your too yummy). I also wish good things for your mother and have been there. As for putting your precious little one first is just what a Great mom does. Please know we understand and care. Keep the faith and above all please smile.
Good luck ????
Pam
Awww, thank you so much! I really do wish that I had any kind of real recourse at work, but since she cowardly used the anonymous report line, I technically can’t file a complaint against her for the false accusations and character assassination. Otherwise, I would. It’s been a rough road, but thanks to real-world people and all of you guys, my life is finally on an up-swing. Thank you for caring so much! <3
(((((Jennifer)))))) I think of life as a journey and we have challenges on the way but you will meet them, deal with them and move on. On the path are bumps, I try not to make them into hills or mountains – just keep on walking, stomped on them!! And, leave the nasty people in the dust! We are WOMEN! WE ROAR! I am older than you, so I know this is true. I don’t refer to myself, as a Senior Citizen or older, I am “on the other side of the Rainbow.” LOL
First: you are correct that your life is yours and it should be private, if you wish. Your business is private. Well, you found out the nasty people exist and don’t care about your privacy, they even revel in spreading what they know. But, you did everything correctly and it only took one day for your job to clear you. And, karma is at work, because now that person (who they know outed you) it on their red flag list for many reasons.
Second: Please try not to allow society to judge you. OK, not everyone is kinky but you aren’t hurting anyone or recruiting, because we know this is a personal decision. And, now they know about you – so what? You stand PROUD. You stand TALL!
This is who, you are and too bad if, society has other standards. which brings us to three:
Third: You are good at your job. Where you work, they know that and that is why you got your promotion. And, when they heard about your private life, they didn’t let you go because you are a VALUES employee! And, don’t forget that, please!
I am confident when I speak to you about this because there was a time, when I went against societies standards. First husband was a nightmare – abusive (almost killed me) but I was told my job to stay and make it better…..Ummm, now how does that happen? It doesn’t! LOL Got myself and my daughter away from this situation – single parent here, so I understand your stresses and worries. She is grown, college degree from a very nice college (Skidmore) , yes, I paid for it – see, we women can accomplish much! She is married and I have 3 beautiful granddaughters. So much for standards of society.
Third husband was the charm and he was an amazing Alpha, Dominant man. He passed away, but that story is for another day. We were the lifestyle but he couldn’t spank or flog me – it’s OK, he did keep me on edge and was my soul mate. Have met a true Dom who also pushes my limits and has me doing things, never would think I would do – e.g. takes nude pictures of me and posts on FETLIFE! Oh, my, I was really embarrassed but I thought about it and the hell with what others expect! I am me! And, he helps me accept this “over the Rainbow” body. LOL I chose not to be embarrassed by my photos but proud that I can be me. Has taken me a long time to learn this. And, usually those that object the most it is because they are jealous, they probably harbor a kinky side and can’t free themselves to enjoy it and they know they aren’t are intelligent as you and could never produce a book that people would read. lol
Let them look at you funny or avoid you – know what they don’t deserve you or your friendship. They are missing out on a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! and AMAZING, TALENTED author!!!
As, for your Dom – he isn’t the one. My husband/ Dom was there for me, in every way – if, work kept me busy, he made sure I ate, laundry was done, that I slept – he was protective and cared for me and knew just how to help me relax. The Alpha heroes that you write about, they do exist – I had that and hope to find a caring Dom again. Your Dom will be here for you and all will be well.
I am sorry, I wrote more than I expected but when I read what you shared with us, I just had to share with you – I went through a lot and I am still here and I am PROUD of me and you be PROUD of you. We haven’t met in person but I feel, we know each other through your emails. You have many friends here and we don’t offer our friendship to just anyone, we know your true value and as an author, you are outstanding.
Remember,
We are here for you,
Diane
You are so awesome!! And I feel that confidence in my personal life, but not when it comes to work because I still rely on this paycheck (for now anyway). I look forward to the day when my writing supports me and I can be brave and loud about what I do for a living and in my own time. I’m not ashamed at all, but I definitely never planned on sharing that side of me in the office.
Either way, I am so glad to have incredible people like you in my corner! <3 Love ya lady, and keep being a badass!!
Whoa! So I had major drama and since then I’ve been languishing in the hell that is China for the past month and Facebook and a lot of other stuff is banned here, so I cannot convey how excited I was to get an email newsletter from you, but holy crap it’s all so heartbreaking. I was wondering the other day how you were getting on with everything. I’m angry on your behalf that some fucktastic tosspot dobbed you in. That’s disgraceful and *they* should be the one called up to HR and raked through the coals, not you. It sounds like you’ve got WAY more on your plate than anyone should have to deal with and I can’t really do anything from China but if there happens to be anything I *can* do let me know. There’s always a spot for you in my newsletter even though I don’t have many subscribers. *Many, many hugs* I said this to another author lately too, but with life sending all these lemons, if we get some cheap sugar and bottles, we’ll be putting Minute Maid out of business soon.
Awww! I’m so sorry, lovely. I haven’t been able to keep up with everyone, but I do hope things are improving for you, because things are getting better day by day for me! Just trying to get back in the swing of writing now! <3