Okay, lovelies. Time for another one of those posts where I blog about my life and my issues, and share gifs to make it all a little more tolerable. As usual, this will be a lot of info, so if you don’t wanna know – watch the sunrise, move along, play some candy crush. It won’t hurt my feelings, I promise.
Ready? Let’s start with the highs.
About a month ago Royally Mine hit the USA Today bestseller’s list and there was much excitement. I actually found out on a wednesday due to that fun trickery with the posting system on the USA Today website where you can see the next week’s post as soon as they’ve built it. I was actually with the Dom that day, both of us working on real-job stuff, when I got the text from Livia Grant. The best part? Not only had we hit the list, we had hit the top 50 on the list!
There was disbelief, and ecstatic screaming. I interrupted the Dom in his office to basically freak out in a high-pitched tone about how amazing it was, and how thrilled we all were. There were texts and phone calls and FB posts and SO MANY GOOD AND WONDERFUL THINGS! I basically looked like this:
and then this where I kept having to double-check and verify, because it just did NOT feel real…
then my Dom, my friends, my lovely readers would confirm with posts / comments / messages that, holy shit, yes, it’s real. I’m a USA Today bestselling author. Holy fucking shit. It’s REAL!
I was ecstatic and so distracted I couldn’t get work done anyway (and I was sitting on about… 40-50 cane marks from the serious caning session he and I had done the night before), so the Dom decided it was time for a celebratory late lunch / early dinner sushi & sake marathon. While I texted / facebooked in the passenger seat with a stupid grin on my face, the Dom drove around to a bunch of different sushi places that were closed mid-afternoon, and then we finally found a place. It was mostly empty, but the food was delicious, and I didn’t care because I was so fucking excited. Literally, mid-sentence of me saying how thrilled I was and how excited I was to do SO MANY THINGS in September, I got a text message from my grandparents saying my mom wasn’t feeling well.
^ me in the restaurant staring at my phone ^
We texted back and forth asking questions, and the answers were… not good. It was one of those things where once the knowledge was in my head, it overwhelmed everything else. Kind of like a solar eclipse (hey, timely reference, right?) because the bright, shiny thing was still there. It was just hidden behind this giant other object and I couldn’t see past it. I felt myself sliding into a low point, away from all the glitter and joy, but in a slow way. Like quicksand, or plunging into darkness at the speed of a sunset.
Yep, the highs and the lows, right?
For those of you that don’t know, my family does not know I write, and my mother has Stage 4 cancer and is not doing well in general. Every text / call like that sends me into immediate thoughts of *is this it*? It’s a constant buzz in the back of my head, and has been for years, and having my grandparents tell me “this doesn’t look good” pretty much guaranteed a full-stop to all things.
I told the Dom I needed to get back to his house, get my stuff, and then go home because I didn’t know what was going to happen. When I did get home I stared at the computer, at all the happy posts and congrats and sweet messages and celebrations from others who had hit the list for the first time… and I couldn’t feel anything. So I just went to bed.
The next day, my mom was hospitalized. Underweight, weak, dehydrated. I went and saw her, which helped a little, but I couldn’t shake the doom & gloom that was keeping all of the golden joy from the USA Today blocked, leaving me in a gray-toned shadow.
She spent about three days in the hospital, got out, but was told she couldn’t do chemo until she was “stable” again. (Side note: she’s still not stable enough for chemo, which means pain because cancer is a dick).
If that were the only thing happening, I would have dealt with it. I’ve dealt with it before, but there were also health concerns for me that I had been putting off and was finally peer-pressured into handling. Without boring you with details, I was having some odd pains, some other stuff, and needed to see my doctor… who literally closed his practice the week before my mom went into the hospital. So I had to find a new doctor, get an appt, and get a bunch of tests done. The good news? I got a diagnosis, but it doesn’t explain everything, so now I’m *also* getting a cancer screening at the end of the month. I’m still having issues / pain, but life doesn’t stop for anyone and so I just tossed another log onto the proverbial fire and said, “Let it burn, I’ll deal with it.”
^ this gif is EVERYTHING right now ^
I really kept telling myself that everything would be okay. Mom would level out, or she wouldn’t, but it’s always pending on the horizon and I would be there for her. My health would get in order, I’d get myself fixed up, and be fine. EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE. At least, that’s what I kept screaming into the aether while my family in South Texas dealt with a hurricane, then another hurricane hit Florida, and the wildfires, and earthquakes, and political hell…
aaaaaand then my usually stable life as a single mom with my kiddo exploded. I don’t talk about her much, mostly because I don’t think her life / image is mine to share with the random internets, but I am going to talk about the situation right now because it’s the straw that broke me – utterly fucking broke me – this month. She’s only four, in a daycare based preschool (because there is no pre-k in our school district), and I’m sure there are a hundred reasons why she could have suddenly lost her mind (including being stressed about her grandmother’s health, and being aware of my stress from that), but about a month ago she started losing her mind all the time. Epic tantrums lasting 30 – 45 mins where she just screamed and sobbed until she choked because she was so upset, completely nonvocal, and so they kept sending her to the director’s office because… well, class can’t really continue with a kid losing their shit for 30 minutes on the floor where a bunch of other 4 year olds are trying to work on writing the letter A.
I already felt like a terrible mom. A terrible fucking mom who had that kid in public and at daycare.
This rapidly escalated into her hitting/kicking other kids, teachers, and more violence, and then the school started to talk about kicking her out. Basically, if she can’t stay in the classroom, then she can’t stay at the preschool, because the director’s job isn’t to watch kids, it’s to run the school.
Since she was also doing this at home with me (and at her dad’s house) we were at a loss for what to do. Long story short, it has been chaos, panicked insurance talks to find therapists, desperate meetings with the preschool asking them to keep her, convos with my bosses at my day job pleading with them to be understanding, late nights where I did day job work to make up for missing time. Blah blah fucking blah. The main issue is that while this is seriously fucking stressful, IF my kid gets kicked out of this preschool, finding a replacement will be very hard for a TON of different reasons (please do not try and list suggestions on replacing her preschool, I promise I’m researching all options and I’m exhausted enough over it).
This clusterfuck of events, coupled with a bunch of other tiny things that normally wouldn’t wreck me (UPS refusing to deliver packages to my apartments, an ant invasion at my front door, having to stop eating things I like, breaking a glass so I don’t have two of them for bourbon with the Dom) has turned me into a useless mess in the last couple of weeks. Coming to work like an exhausted, stress-addled shell of a person that caught fire at some point and doesn’t have the energy to realize they’re burning because that would take too much effort.
^ something like this. this is how i feel at the day job. ^
The craziest part is that I’m not even listing all of the chaos going on, and the Dom and my friends and everyone keep offering to help, but the problems aren’t things that are easily fixable. My life has just exploded, and I’m so exhausted all the time that the handful of days I’ve written anything this month have been a miracle.
I’m incredibly behind on writing deadlines, not keeping up with promises I’ve made to readers / fellow authors, not being around on FB, not posting my weekly stuff, not participating in an author event I signed up for… and it’s just another nest of things making me feel like shit.
And the thing is, writing it all out helps a little, just because it turns down the screaming in my head for a few minutes to pour it all out into words, but I can’t even tell you when I’m going to feel more like myself. I don’t know when this fucking eclipse will end, because it just seems to be getting darker, and I’m so tired. People keep telling me that things will get better but I’m cursed to be a realist (have never been an optimist) and I am well aware that my mom will die eventually from this cancer shit, we just don’t know when. I know that my preschool can’t keep my kid if she’s injuring other kids, so they could kick her out. I know that the results from my health screening could be good, or could be bad, I won’t know until it’s done – so I do need to do it and I am. I know that my boss won’t continue to be understanding forever, so if I’m not careful I could fuck up at my day job which pays my bills (because USA Today bestseller or not, writing is not bankrolling me). And I know that my friends (online and real life), my Dom, and my family will only put up with me being a trainwreck for so long.
Eventually, I’ll have to not be on fire anymore, or I’ll have to shut up and burn in silence because this shit is fucking depressing.
I think that’s the main reason I just disappeared after the USA Today announcement got eclipsed by my mom’s health, and then the life shit in general. I didn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade. So many people are doing amazing things right now, and I just want them to go and be happy and successful without thinking about the mess that I am.
So, hi. I’m alive. I’m not in the pit with the demons, I’m in a grayscale haze, and my life is on fire, and I’m doing everything I can to get it under control but right now there’s only chaos and I’m sorry. <3 I promise I’m doing my best, my best just isn’t exactly good enough lately, and it’s probably easiest to just ignore the smoke coming from my corner, lovelies.
Trust me, I’ll be fine. Eventually.
Do what you need to do for you and your daughter. Only you can determine what that is. Take your time and take care of yourself. Your fans and readers will be here when you come back, because we all love your writing. Some of these things you are dealing with will get better eventually. Some will get worse and that sucks, but there is no way around it. No matter what though, you will be ok eventually. It just takes time.
*hug* Thank you lovely <3
Hang in there. You can get through this. Just hang on and know that life is what it is. You are intelligent and talented. You met Shadow in Charlotte NC. Some days, he is all that gets me through that day. When I get a new car and take my road trip, Dallas is one of the places I will be going to. Just hang in there. When I get to go on my road trip, you will get a chance to play with him again. Don’t give up.
Sandra & Shadow
Hope you’re doing better too, Sandra! And I hope Shadow is feeling better and keeping you company. <3
I’m so sorry to hear everything that you’ve been dealing with. I know lots of people would say that God only gives us what we can handle but I’m not going to go that route. I’m just going to say that this shit sucks. Of course overtime things will shift and settle but right now it sucks and you deserve some happiness. I hope you can find something to ease your mind and stress and know that your readers will always be here to support and love you.
I really appreciate that. I feel like I’ve dropped so many balls lately that I do worry I’ll disappoint too many people and alienate them, knowing you guys will stick around helps a lot. <3 Love you lady!
I’m sur you have heard all of the comforting words you can handle so I’m just gonna say you are deeply cared about in this community and on fire or not, thats not going to change as far as I can see.
*hugs*
Ally
*HUG* Thank you so much Ally! You are wonderful.
Is it possible to leave your child with someone for even one night and go away with your DOM (lucky you!)? Somewhere you can see water or a mountain range, or go hiking? I am reading the anthology now, but am unable to review a ‘single’ book within it, or I would review yours. Do you have another book that you would like read and reviewed for Amazon & Goodreads. I would happily do this little task for you.
I too have had much pain in my life, both physical and mental anguish. sometimes I just “pay it forward” into the ether and hope a little comes back to me. I let someone in during rush hour, I pay for someone’s drugstore or grocery bills anonymously. Sometimes when things are getting me down, I smile at everyone I meet or see. They sometimes smile back. I purposely dress as well as I can and do my hair and makeup. People respond to me better and that, too makes me feel a bit better, even though I am simply putting on a ‘mask’. We all wear multiple masks. How about getting your GP to give you a couple of tranquilizers or sleeping pills to get over the bad bumps. I always have a small supply at home when PTSD strikes. I wish there was more I could say or do, but know that I am ‘with you’ in this time.
Hey Susan! I do get nights away from her, there’s just a lot to do when I don’t have her so I rarely have time to do anything like that, although he and I have plans to go camping in the Fall when it’s not 90* during the day! We both love to hike.
As far as the review, I’m not sure which boxset you mean (possibly Royally Mine?) but many people only post a review referencing 1 or 2 stories they read, so feel free to post a review where you only talk about a few stories (or just mine if that’s all you’ve read!). A lot of people do it, and every review that references my story will help encourage people to go and read it, especially since it’s 2nd to last in that boxset. ^_^
I am sorry that you’ve had a lot of pain. I try to do RAKs (random acts of kindness) when I can, building up the karma bank and all that. Xanax does help, but nothing can fix these situations but time. Thank you for reaching out, lovely! <3
I’m sorry you are going through this shit. I completely understand as I have had the worst year with so many terrible health issues, crashed car twice, may have to go to assisted living with my darling, 92 year old hubs who has severe memory issues. The golden years are not for sissies. Sorry about my rant and sorry about your mess. Hopefully we will survive and look back and rejoice. Love Laurel
*HUG* I’m so sorry, Laurel. I have been thinking of you because I heard about your health things. I’m so sorry that you’ve had car issues on top of it, and are dealing with your husband’s health concerns too. That’s so much on your plate! <3 I am sending you positive thoughts right back, lovely!
I hope this note finds your situation in a better place. My only recommendation is that you put you and yours above everything else. Take care of yourself because you are important and NOT a failure! Everyone has times in their life they wish they didn’t have to deal with and this is definitely one of those times for you. Hang in there and don’t let anything stop you from pressing forward. You’re a wonderful author and a strong woman that is capable of doing whatever she sets her mind to do. I pray for my friends and family as well as others. I will be praying for you and your family during these trials. Please take care and keep your priorities in order, whatever they are and don’t give up the fight. God bless you precious ????
You are so sweet! Thank you, lovely. I am trying to put myself first right now and focus on what needs to get handled in my life. There’s just an endless to-do list, and I don’t feel very successful at the moment, but I’m trying to keep moving forward because it’s the only option! <3
Damn, that’s a lot. That’s more than a full plate of shite. I am so sorry you have to deal with so much. I wish there were something I could do to help, but I don’t know what that would be. How do one stop a shitstorm of this proportion?!?
If you need to rant and scream, don’t hesitate to pop up on me
All the (((hugses)))
*hug!* Thank you, Eli. You’re always so wonderful, and I appreciate your support more than I can say. <3 I promise if I feel the need to rant, I’ll drop by your messenger. ;p
XOXOXO to start….. take the time you need because your faithful readers will wait and be very excited that you are in a better place than you are now, and believe me you will get here….. my heart goes out to you but please remember your never a failure if you keep one foot in front of the other. Give yourself a break…. we love you. May the sun shine warm on your face.
XOXOXO
Pam
Awww, thank you lovely! You are so sweet, and it really does reassure me to know that my readers are willing to wait and support me even when I’m a little on fire and off-kilter. <3 You’re wonderful!
I’m not going to go into the litany of rotten things that have happened and are happening to me and my loved ones. I’m just going to say, I understand and send you best wishes and strength. A few things that have helped me: a short note in a journal every night noting the positive things that have happened that day. I thought this was an original idea. Turn out, others thought about it way before me and you can actually purchase a gratitude journal! A short walk (because walking is painful) in the cool of the morning. I just enjoy the sights of trees and plants changing. A funny movie when I don’t feel like watching anything. I love the old Arthur with Dudley Moore, another old one is Night Shift with Henry Winkler, the first Bridget Jones, and a new one is Spy with Melissa McCarthy. They are stupid, funny, and always can wring a laugh from me. I listen to old favorite songs for a few minutes. My favorites are Boz Scaggs oldies. I also sometimes feel better when doing something I have no time to do. Like organizing craft supplies. I can’t help but think of things I want to make and that means looking to the future. I sometimes call a friend, even if they are at work, to talk for just a few minutes. I don’t usually tell them why I’m calling, it just helps to hear about someone else’s life instead of worrying about mine for awhile. None of these things will “fix” anything, but they might allow you to take a deep breath and gather the strength to get through the next hour. You are not alone! You will come out on the other side of each problem, but perhaps not the way you wish. Reach out, please! Feel free to email if it would help you in any way. Very best wishes!
I have definitely been enjoying snippets of “me” time whenever I can grab them, even if it’s just late night binges on Netflix, or staying up too late to read a book just for fun (and not because I’ve made a promise over it, etc etc). I think the idea of focusing on the positive things can help a lot, and I know I should do it more, it’s just hard! <3 You’re sweet for reaching out and it means a lot, lovely.