I’ve got another Ask Me Anything for this week, and this question comes anonymously from someone who was brave enough to share their experience with long-term violence and abuse. Curious what the #AskMeAnything is? Check out the official AMA page on my site over here. I hope you lovelies find this helpful, but I sincerely hope you never need it. <3
Q: What if things go wrong? Either on a date, or in a relationship, or at random? (specifically violence / assault / abuse)
A: First, I want to have a brief conversation that a lot of readers struggle with. Some of us like to read the darker things, dubcon/noncon/capture fantasy because it turns us on. I am one of those people. I write it because I like it, and that is what is wonderful about fiction. We can explore these darker fantasies and be completely safe at the same time. No woman (or man) would want to actually be in those situations, but they can be wonderful to fantasize about. Sometimes we even imagine ourselves in those situations, but we have the benefit of coming back to reality (as boring as it can be) whole and safe and sound. So, before we even get into the post, I want you to let go of any guilt you might feel. What turns you on in your head, turns you on, and that is okay. You are not damaged or broken (it took me years to believe that, and there are days I still question it) and there’s a reason lots of people buy these books, because HEY, you are also not alone in your fantasies.
So, there’s a pretty good (and super depressing) chance that you, or someone close to you, has been a victim of sexual assault. According to RAINN (https://www.rainn.org/) 1 out of every 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime and 1 out of every 33 men will. I wish I could guarantee your safety, assure you that you’ll never run into a terrible person, but I can’t, and so I want to do what I can to prepare you.
How can you try to stay safe?
Well, the most important thing to remember is that no matter what happens it is never your fault. It’s the fault of the person who did it. There is no victim blaming in this corner of the internet. I don’t care if you walked down the street at 3am butt-ass naked while watching porn out loud on your iPhone – it is not your fault when you are assaulted! That being said, there are some things we can do to try and keep ourselves safe. Having a safe call system in place and informing them of it is probably the best way to avoid it when you’re meeting someone, because if they refuse to participate that would be a red flag for me. A safe call system is where you get their phone number, a picture of their driver’s license, and the location you’re meeting the person and provide it to a friend. Then you tell that friend what time you will call them by, if you don’t call by then the friend is to try and call you (just in case you’re having fun and miss the time), but if you don’t answer they’re supposed to call the police. Then inform the potential play partner of this safety precaution. A good Dom will respect that you’re watching out for yourself, an asshole/bully/predator will refuse to do it, and then you’ll refuse to play with them. I made some stupid choices when I was young and suffered for it and now I never stray from ^these^ rules now when it comes to safe calls. You can also trust your instincts, if someone feels wrong, they probably are. We don’t use that old school lizard brain for much, but it sure as hell knows when someone is a creeper.
What else should I know?
Some people believe that just by identifying as a submissive they should now obey every asshat who approaches them or messages them. This is not true. Submission is a gift, and you are under no obligation to give it to anyone. Even if it is some super hot, super dominant guy. If a guy demands you send him naked pictures, and you don’t want to? Don’t do it. If he demands you meet him somewhere, and you don’t want to go? Don’t do it. If he refuses to participate in the safe call procedures and tells you to meet him anyway? Block and ignore. Being submissive does not mean you put your safety and life in jeopardy. It means that when someone earns your submission, you can trust them not to take advantage of it and to respect your limits. (Want to know more about limits? Read this post.)
As a side note, download apps like Kik to your smartphone to avoid giving out your personal number. Don’t provide your home address until you’re comfortable with someone. I’ve been stalked before and it sucks. Meet in public until you’re pretty sure they’re not insane.
So, what if things go wrong?
If the worst happens, and you get hurt by someone, you have some decisions to make. Do you need the hospital? (If so, don’t change clothes/shower as much as you want to.) Do you want to go to the police? You might, and you might not. It is completely up to you, and the important thing to remember is: Your assault is no less real if you don’t report it. USA Today recently released an article saying that up to 80% of sexual assaults go unreported. I didn’t report mine, I know friends who never reported theirs. It’s not uncommon, and your assault is no less real if you don’t report it. If you do want to report it, seek out support. Build a support system around yourself that will help you when you’re asked questions and as you go through the police and the courts. You will need that wall and those people to lean on. Also, you are brave as fuck, and I respect the hell out of you. I wasn’t brave enough for that.
Bad things don’t always happen on dates, or at parties, or at random. Sometimes it comes from someone you used to trust. If things go wrong in a relationship that used to be good, a support system is even more important. Whether it is verbal, emotional, or physical – abuse is abuse and you are under no obligation to put up with it. It doesn’t matter if you’re married, if you live a D/s or DD lifestyle, you do not have to stay – and especially in those roles you know the difference between SSC play and abuse. Listen to your gut. Now, that’s much easier said than done. If you’re in a relationship you probably live together, your finances may be intertwined, you may be monitored and at risk if you seek help. What I will say is that things will never get better until you reach out and seek help, and I plead with you to do so because you are worth it.
Where can I get support?
I am posting a list of hotline numbers below to help, no matter your situation. Some of you may not be able to go to friends or family, or have friends or family to go to, and in that case these hotlines can help. Some are even text-based and online based. You may talk to one of these hotlines sporadically for a long time before you figure out a way to leave – and that is okay too. You need to believe that there is no perfect way to deal with an assault or an abusive relationship, and you also need to believe that there is a way out. It may be messy, it may be hard, and it may take time – but you are worth it. You are worthy of being loved, being safe, and being secure. You are worthy of healing and feeling whole again.
- Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) – (800) 656-HOPE
- National Domestic Violence/Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse – (800) 799-7233
- Men’s Domestic Abuse Helpline – 1-888-HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)
- Abuse Victim Hotline – (866) 662-4535
- Crisis Chat
- Crisis Text Line (on your smartphone)
- Planned Parenthood Hotline – (800) 230-PLAN (230-7526)
“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.”